life

'Yours Truly' Is Not an Expression of Love

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | February 9th, 2014 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have noticed that, in professional correspondence, it is common to sign a letter or email with "Yours truly" or "Sincerely yours." These sign-offs have always struck me as oddly intimate, even romantic, so I use "Best regards."

Since those closings are used so commonly, I assume that I am probably misunderstanding the meaning of the phrases. What is the origin of these phrases, and are they to be considered intimate or formal?

GENTLE READER: How odd -- Miss Manners has been noticing the opposite. Even in business correspondence, she is now seeing breezy substitutions for the conventional salutation ("Hi!") and closing ("Best," sometimes with "wishes" or "regards" but more often alone).

In part, this comes from the Faux Friendliness phenomenon: the notion that the only polite attitude is that of friendship, even in situations where friendship does not exist or, in the case of strangers, could not exist.

But it also arises, as in your case, from unfamiliarity with conventional phrases, and the resulting habit of guessing at their meaning.

It is not unreasonable to suppose that declaring oneself "yours" indicates an emotional attachment, but it happens that the opposite is true. "Yours truly" is the most businesslike sign-off, even when "very" is thrown in, and "Sincerely yours" is the formal closing for social correspondence when the writer is not inspired to offer something in the range from "Affectionately yours" to "Love and kisses." Similarly, "Dear" is the conventional salutation, by no means indicating that the correspondent holds that person dear.

These phrases, with variations, go back at least as far as the Renaissance, and seem to have been intended both as reassurance that the writer is who he claims to be and is making honest statements, and as flattery, that timeless way of getting someone's attention.

Miss Manners understands that conventions change over time. It would be startling, nowadays, to receive a letter signed by "Your most humble and obedient servant," although in its time, that suggested neither humility nor obedience nor servitude.

But she regrets seeing the use of widely understood phrases disappearing in favor of individual interpretations. They save so much time, worry, misunderstanding and tedium.

life

Miss Manners for February 09, 2014

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | February 9th, 2014 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work at a state hospital where we receive lots of prisoners from the state Department of Corrections facilities. For this reason I, as well as other employees and visitors, frequently run into prisoners as they are being escorted to their varying destinations.

It has become a big debate in my office on what is the appropriate way to handle this situation. Do you ignore them as if they were not there, or do you acknowledge their presence with a polite "Hi"? My office is split down the middle and needs your official opinion.

GENTLE READER: It is Miss Manners' understanding that hospitals are dedicated to helping all people, without prioritizing them according to their moral worth. She hopes that you will apply this principle to the way you treat them as human beings. If you customarily greet patients and visitors in the hallways, you should do so to them all.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Announcement of Baby's Sex Is Not Occasion for a Party

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | February 6th, 2014 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am pregnant and would like to throw a gender-reveal party, but I worry that this party might be construed as a rude attempt for gifts. I don't want any gifts; this isn't a baby shower, nor am I expecting one.

I just want to share the joy with family and friends, provide food and games. But would the whole idea still be considered tacky?

GENTLE READER: Yes.

Believing that you simply want to share the news, Miss Manners hates to be a wet blanket (in a gender-neutral color, of course). But she feels compelled to tell you something that will save you time and friendships in the future that is about to become yours:

Not everyone is as excited as you are about every detail of your child's life, let alone the pre-life. It is best to know this now, before you start going on social media announcing baby's first spit-up or throwing parties for when he or she sleeps through the night.

The particular new ritual you mention -- and there really isn't a correct term for this made-up event -- is farcical. Cakes are cut to reveal pink or blue insides, bets are taken and teams are formed.

An acquaintance of Miss Manners' who attended such an event said that the mother-to-be was so distraught when she didn't get the gender she wanted that she started blaming the guests for jinxing it. It is no wonder that guests assume that a present is required as the price of admission to these absurd theatrics.

The fact is that you will actually get more profound and prolonged joy if you reveal (or "identify") the gender (or "sex") one by one to individuals who you think might genuinely be excited by the news. Gathering around waiting to hear and celebrate the announcement of one of only two possible choices is not a party-worthy event -- and it is simply not dignified. There will be plenty of parties in your future filled with games and silly cakes. Save the fun for then.

life

Miss Manners for February 06, 2014

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | February 6th, 2014 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a dear friend who is marrying for the third time and is going to do a bridal registry. Her future husband is 81 (she is 73) and very, very wealthy.

They will have two homes -- a condo on the beach and the primary residence. She says that they need new pots and pans for the condo, as she thinks his are too old.

She has never been wealthy but has lived well. Also, any friends she invites will not be permitted to bring a spouse, fiance, etc. They are having a brunch.

This attitude doesn't feel appropriate. Please let me know if I am seeing it wrong.

GENTLE READER: Do you really have any trouble seeing through it?

If so, Miss Manners is sorry to be the one to tell you that your dear friend is more interested in pots than people.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Host With Good Attitude Trumps Bad Guest Manners

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | February 4th, 2014 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I hosted a football watch party where I instructed guests to arrive at a certain time and that I would be providing food and beverages for everyone.

My sister and her family arrived two hours late and were upset to discover all the food was gone. I hurriedly offered to make more food, and she then proceeded to instruct me on what not to put in the dish because her children had various allergies.

Am I wrong to feel annoyed at her behavior? While I understand that as a hostess I should strive to make my guests feel as comfortable as possible, I felt her demands were unreasonable.

GENTLE READER: Did she also expect you to have recorded the game, so that you could show her whatever she missed?

Arriving two hours late, short of an emergency, and being visibly upset are, indeed, rude, although reminding you of the children's allergies as you look for additional food is not unreasonable. But while your sister exhibited bad guest behavior, Miss Manners commends you for exhibiting good host behavior.

life

Miss Manners for February 04, 2014

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | February 4th, 2014 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the elementary school where I work, our principal is a lovely woman. A fabricated recognition for bosses (Bosses Day) came and went without us teachers giving her a gift. (Can the shame be outlived?)

Well, one fellow teacher won't let it go. She wants us all to contribute to a card and a gift.

I think I remember you saying once that it is inappropriate for an employee to give a gift to the boss, lest it be interpreted as something akin to a bribe or something like that. I don't want to give my boss a gift, but of course I'll look like a malcontent. What say you, Miss Manners?

GENTLE READER: As a teacher, you are aware of the power of peer pressure. It is time to put that knowledge to work.

Miss Manners recommends that you explain to the other teachers why this is a bad idea: It will establish a bad precedent; it will look like toadying; it will cost everyone money; and it may well embarrass the boss. When others agree, the lone holdout will have to concede.

life

Miss Manners for February 04, 2014

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | February 4th, 2014 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a frequent patron of casual dining and fast-food establishments, I often encounter a staff member who is cleaning, spraying or sweeping within inches of my table and my food.

I realize that these are not fine-dining restaurants, which offer ambience as well as a dining experience, and that their high customer turnover requires tables to be washed and spills to be cleaned. However, I find it extremely distasteful sharing my sandwich with a broom or spray rag.

Could Miss Manners suggest an appropriate comment that I may offer to the offending employee? Or would Miss Manners approve if I left an anonymous clipping of Miss Manners' response for the establishment's manager?

GENTLE READER: Please do not leave such a clipping. Miss Manners fears the manager would exacerbate your problem by ordering its immediate disposal.

Instead, thank the broom wielder for his efforts, and then ask if there is a section that has already been cleaned, in which you might finish your meal. If this does not work with the employee, repeat with the manager.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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