DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend and I attended a pre-recorded broadcast of a live opera performance, and during the applause segment, we began quietly discussing aspects of the performance. At the time, there were no titles being shown on the movie screen, just the bows by the cast from the audience perspective.

Shortly after our conversation began, an audience member in front of us turned around and inquired if we realized we were the only people in the theater who were talking. When I asked if our conversation was distracting her from listening to what was merely the sound of applause, she responded that it was.

Were we honestly being rude to discuss the performance during the applause (a camera shot of the audience in the Royal Opera House in London where the performance was recorded showed people standing while applauding and engaging in verbal conversations with each other), or was the individual in front of us simply being overly critical?

GENTLE READER: As admirers of a 400-year-old art form, opera lovers (among whose number Miss Manners counts herself) are not always vociferous advocates for novelty or change. They are also a passionate bunch. While they have forgotten that pre-19th-century audiences countenanced talk during the singing, the relatively recent advent of theater broadcasts into suburban movie theaters has left many disoriented.

This is the only explanation Miss Manners can give for a constituency whom she would otherwise expect to insist that opera house manners be maintained in spite of the change of venue. In either location, once the performance ends and the applause begins, you are free to talk, whether about the details of the performance or where you parked the car.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it OK to ask someone how many carats are in her diamond ring?

GENTLE READER: If you are the owner's insurer or pawn broker, certainly.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As part of my job, I am sometimes required to attend lunches and/or awards events. If I am seated at a round table with my back to the speaker, is it rude to turn my chair around to see/hear better, or should I continue to face (and converse with) the other guests at my table?

I am instructed to network, listen to speeches, note key names, describe my own organization's work if asked, and broaden my understanding of how the featured guests fit into the landscape of my field.

GENTLE READER: You are concerned because turning one's back on a dinner partner is rude. But so is conversing during a speech, both to the speaker and to any other people who happen to be listening to the speech.

That both you and your dinner partner are listening to a speech not just excuses, but requires, your attention. Rather than move the furniture, however, you might simply turn your neck and cock your head to show that you are listening to the speaker. No one will worry about your actual sight lines if you don't, and it will save you the trouble of turning the chair back around for dessert.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have hosted Christmas dinner for my family for many years. This year, my nephew's children, while unsupervised, destroyed a decoration.

My nephew's stance was that my home is not "child-proofed." I informed him that children need to learn not to touch everything that they see. His response, in essence, was that I am too particular.

I no longer desire to invite this nephew to my home. How do I leave him out without offending his mother (my sister) and his cousins, who are very close to him? Shall I inform him now that he and his family are no longer welcome, or just leave him out next year?

GENTLE READER: Ah, the holiday spirit lingers on.

Are you seriously telling Miss Manners that you are cutting off members of the family because children broke a decoration?

Mind you, she does not care for your nephew's response. Not only should he have apologized and offered to replace it, but he should have instructed the children to apologize.

Still, you have a whole year to work this out. And if you don't, you will not hold another family Christmas dinner, because those relatives who are close to him will join him in banishment.

That is one of your choices. The graceful way to arrange that would be simply to say that you have given the dinner for many years, but now feel that it is someone else's turn.

The alternative is to have a quiet talk with your nephew and the children's mother, if she is in the picture. In a charmingly self-deprecating way, you should admit to being particular, and having a household that is not geared to the infrequent visits of children.

But, you should add, you enjoy those visits, and ask their help in making them pleasant for all. Could there be some organized play, with adult supervision? Or would that not be necessary by next year, when the children will be older and more responsible? Or would the parents rather take over being the hosts so that their children will be at home?

If kindly said, this will serve as a warning. But as a precaution, Miss Manners suggests enlisting another family member to watch the children.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At the last minute our friends backed out of a New Year's plan that they initially suggested. We were planning on spending time together, but they decided to attend a party of people we didn't know.

This left my husband and me in limbo on New Year's Eve. We eventually salvaged our night by finding an alternative, but the situation left me with a very unpleasant feeling toward the friendship. We've known the couple for a few years and spend a lot of time together. Recently they've been going through a difficult time in the relationship, and I'm feeling that the husband is initiating more distance, while the wife and I are becoming closer.

I don't know if I should voice my disappointment, let the situation slide, or even distance myself from the couple (mostly due to the husband's increasing coldness, but also this New Year's event itself). Please suggest a tactful course of action.

GENTLE READER: Too late. It's not only the husband who has distanced himself from you, but also the wife, in acquiescing to the rudeness of standing you up. Miss Manners would advise you to avoid making other plans with them. Should they notice, she hopes that any overtures they make will begin with a big apology.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our two children are in day care and have a lot of friends they play with every day. Often when one of them has a birthday, the parents will throw what I consider to be a lavish party and invite all of the other children, who are 2, 3 and 4 years old.

These events seem to be universally overstimulating for the birthday child, and the idea that one child gets all the toys for the day is quite a challenge for the guests, as well. I think it's crazy that it's come to this so soon.

For my own kids, we have done very small parties. We have dinner with one or two other families we are close to, let the kids play in our yard, have a small cake, and any gifts that are given we open after the party or the next day, to avoid fights.

However, I am feeling that I am not being appropriately gracious. Year after year, we are invited to these parties, and I have no intention of inviting these children (and their parents and siblings) to our birthday parties, because it would just be too many people.

Is it OK for me to keep going to their parties and not invite them to ours? At this point, my kids won't notice if we don't go, but I feel rude for refusing. I usually enjoy attending the parties -- visiting with other parents, letting the kids run around together. It's overstimulating, but we have a good time.

Luckily for us, my son's birthday is in the summer, when many people are on vacation, so sometimes I just say we celebrated his birthday when we were out of town.

GENTLE READER: Indeed, you are lucky. Many parents have regaled Miss Manners with the joy of their child's summer birthday (although the child in question was not so jubilant), when inviting the whole class to the party is not a necessity.

There is, however, no need to lie about your own plans, decline extravagant invitations or respond precisely in kind. When it comes to hospitality, reciprocation does not have to be exactly equivalent. Issue invitations for a play date or similarly low-key social interaction to the children whose birthday parties you have attended. You may find that the parents, whom you could also include, will appreciate the gesture all the more for its being a break from the (over)stimulation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was at a social civic club event held at a member's rather stately home. When refreshments were served, a member took aside our gracious hostess and informed her that her choice in window treatments just did not do her home justice, and told her she would have her decorator call her to correct the situation. I am curious at what Miss Manner would have said?

GENTLE READER: "Well, you know tastes differ. I'm terribly sorry that my windows offend you, and I apologize on their behalf. But we are actually very fond of them."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)