DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our two children are in day care and have a lot of friends they play with every day. Often when one of them has a birthday, the parents will throw what I consider to be a lavish party and invite all of the other children, who are 2, 3 and 4 years old.

These events seem to be universally overstimulating for the birthday child, and the idea that one child gets all the toys for the day is quite a challenge for the guests, as well. I think it's crazy that it's come to this so soon.

For my own kids, we have done very small parties. We have dinner with one or two other families we are close to, let the kids play in our yard, have a small cake, and any gifts that are given we open after the party or the next day, to avoid fights.

However, I am feeling that I am not being appropriately gracious. Year after year, we are invited to these parties, and I have no intention of inviting these children (and their parents and siblings) to our birthday parties, because it would just be too many people.

Is it OK for me to keep going to their parties and not invite them to ours? At this point, my kids won't notice if we don't go, but I feel rude for refusing. I usually enjoy attending the parties -- visiting with other parents, letting the kids run around together. It's overstimulating, but we have a good time.

Luckily for us, my son's birthday is in the summer, when many people are on vacation, so sometimes I just say we celebrated his birthday when we were out of town.

GENTLE READER: Indeed, you are lucky. Many parents have regaled Miss Manners with the joy of their child's summer birthday (although the child in question was not so jubilant), when inviting the whole class to the party is not a necessity.

There is, however, no need to lie about your own plans, decline extravagant invitations or respond precisely in kind. When it comes to hospitality, reciprocation does not have to be exactly equivalent. Issue invitations for a play date or similarly low-key social interaction to the children whose birthday parties you have attended. You may find that the parents, whom you could also include, will appreciate the gesture all the more for its being a break from the (over)stimulation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was at a social civic club event held at a member's rather stately home. When refreshments were served, a member took aside our gracious hostess and informed her that her choice in window treatments just did not do her home justice, and told her she would have her decorator call her to correct the situation. I am curious at what Miss Manner would have said?

GENTLE READER: "Well, you know tastes differ. I'm terribly sorry that my windows offend you, and I apologize on their behalf. But we are actually very fond of them."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an artist and interior designer. My client uses me for decorative painting and is always asking my opinion on this or that.

The problem is that I realize that we have extremely different tastes. How do I gently tell her that her choices for the accessories in the room are "too cheap" or not up to the standard I had in mind without offending or hurting her feelings?

GENTLE READER: It always surprises Miss Manners when artists disapprove of their clients' taste, given that the client chose to hire the artist.

Nevertheless, she recognizes that there are some patrons of the arts with limited aesthetic sense. She also recognizes the logic of listening to the opinion for which one is paying.

The artist's options in this situation, however, are limited. You may politely suggest alternatives. You may withdraw from the project, saying that upon reflection, you realize that you are not the right person for the job. (The latter option has the disadvantage of requiring you to also forgo remuneration, which may cause you to reassess your artistic standard.)

There is a third alternative popular in artistic circles, but Miss Manners discourages you from employing it, in spite of a few historical successes, as it is both impolite and bad business: namely, using the art itself to parody the client's taste.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother-in-law is a generally likable fellow and we enjoy our visits. However, my spouse and I cringe when he routinely addresses waiters, toll-booth collectors and other service people by the name appearing on their name tags. We feel that this practice is demeaning, given that no introduction has been made, and that the tag's purpose is to be able to identify the employee in later dealings with the company or to be able to report to management especially good or poor service. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: Although she fails to see any purpose for the name tags -- surely management knows who was assigned to which table -- Miss Manners is perplexed by the idea that it is demeaning to address someone by his or her name, particularly when the name tag has already supplied a preferred form of address. If your concern is the informality of that form, she notes that many company name tags read, "Hi! My name is Bill M." In which case your brother should feel free to address his server as "Mr. M."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received two gifts that included gift receipts. After thanking the donors, I returned the items because they were not to my liking. Having gift receipts made the process easy and possible.

One donor asked if I enjoyed the item and was disappointed to learn that it had been returned. What should one do if the situation repeats itself?

GENTLE READER: Tell the donor that you enjoyed the item, as of course you did. Miss Manners sees no reason to explain that your enjoyment came from being able to turn it into something that you wanted.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: You once described men wearing wing collars with black tie as appearing to have dirty necks. For two decades now, I have been quietly seething at the seemingly ubiquitous choice to provide just such an appearance as a misguided fashion statement.

Would you please do what you can to return us to the days when wing collars would never be worn with dinner clothes?

GENTLE READER: Would you settle for better days, rather than the old days?

The sad fact is that black tie was invented in the late 19th century, before there was a shirt to go with it. Perplexed gentlemen, eager to try the new, informal way of dressing in the evening, were staring into their closets trying to think whether to choose a daytime shirt, or a wing-collared one, such as they wore with their more formal tailcoats. They went with the latter.

It was not until the 1920s that the then-Duke of Windsor invented a softer shirt with a pleated front specifically to go with the dinner jacket. So there is historical precedent for wearing a wing-collared shirt for black tie. It just doesn't look very good.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Let me begin with the worst of it (Miss Manners would be advised to brace herself). I am 20 and have not written thank-you notes for holidays and birthdays for about two years now.

I'd like to make amends with my family members who sent me nice gifts that I didn't thank them properly for, but I'm not exactly sure what the right course of action is at this point. Do I just send out thank-yous for the gifts I received this year and try not to draw explicit attention to how remiss I have been in my correspondence? Can I apologize for not sending thank-you notes in the past?

I'd like to acknowledge what they sent me before, but I'm sure I've forgotten some of the things I've received (which is horrible), and I don't want to make it sound like I'm ungrateful by omitting them. I also don't want to make it sound like I'm asking for gifts in the future or try to furnish excuses (I don't have any).

I really just want to apologize, express my gratitude and move on, but I'm struggling to figure out how to do that.

GENTLE READER: You are not the worst. The worst are ingrates who, far from being repentant, try to cast blame on their benefactors for being so selfish as to expect any response to their generosity. In fact, your relatives have been especially generous in continuing to send you presents in the absence of responses.

Still, your record is pretty bad, and Miss Manners is gratified that you are ready to make amends. You are, she presumes, prepared to grovel.

Your letters should begin with enthusiastic thanks for the latest presents, and then go into high praise for their past kindness. For the past presents that you can recall, write specifically about how you have been enjoying them all this time.

Then comes the self-flagellation. The important part is to refrain from offering any excuses. Claiming to have been busy, even with examples of the demands upon you, only annoys people. It prompts them to reflect that they, too, were busy, but made time to send you presents.

Rather, it should be all about how ashamed you are not to have acknowledged their warmth and consideration, which means so much to you. Miss Manners understands that this seems a grim task. But she promises that you will feel better afterward.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)