DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is proper holiday dinner conversation when the age ranges and marital statuses are mixed?

I am a single aunt who is outgoing, not introverted at all, but when I go to my sister's house for a holiday dinner, I feel excluded from the table conversation, as does my widowed mother. It's all about the kids -- and the kids are loud. When I try to introduce a topic, it doesn't stick. It always seems that family units are just not interested in anyone but themselves and their lives.

What is proper, and what can I do besides not attending? All my single friends have similar experiences.

GENTLE READER: You could probably get a football conversation going among those slumped around the television set. And if you helped dish up in the kitchen, you could get an earful about those who aren't helping.

And don't tell Miss Manners that there isn't a rousing conversation at the table about what foods are evil, and how stuffed everyone feels.

Under other circumstances, it may be possible to talk with some of these people about books or the economy or the meaning of life, but not at a family holiday dinner. That's when families bond through announcements, questions and observation.

You should be grateful that the children are rambunctious. It at least distracts the adults from demanding to know why you are single.

What you and your mother should be doing is quietly asking less offensive questions of individuals, just to show an interest in how they are getting along. It would be especially nice to do so of any child who happens to be left out of the play.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I have been disagreeing on something for a number of years. Your response will not change anything but should clear things up.

When we visit friends or family, my wife says that we are their guests, so we should pay for dinners when we dine out. However, when those same people visit us, she then says that we are the hosts; therefore, we should pay for the restaurant meals.

We end up paying both ways. Is there a protocol for who pays and when?

GENTLE READER: If Miss Manners' reply will not change anything, and you and your wife will continue to disagree for decades yet to come, why do you ask?

But perhaps she can enable you to move on to more challenging pastimes by declaring that you are both right. Or would that make it worse?

Your wife is right that the host pays. And you are right that paying should more or less even out. The disconnect comes from your agreed-upon, but wrong, definition of the host.

It is not the person who is host to the houseguests, but the person who has issued the dinner invitation. Houseguests often ask their hosts out to dinner, in which case they pay. But if the hosts announce that dinner tonight is at Le Bistro, they should pay, or at least put forth a mild argument if the guests belatedly realize that they should have invited their hosts out.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm a single, 30-year-old gay male. Saturday night before last, I met a guy who's 12 years my senior. We spoke on the phone a few times, and on Monday he was persistent and asked me out to dinner.

When the bill came, he paid just his half. I was taken aback by this. Since he invited me, shouldn't he have at least offered to pay the whole bill?

Granted, I'm not someone who expects others to pay my way; however, good manners and etiquette dictate that the inviter/host should have paid or offered to pay. I would have offered to pay my half or the whole thing.

Am I being too old-fashioned, or does etiquette not apply to gay relationships where the passive (female) and active (male) roles do not apply?

Also, did my having him go with me to the ATM (I was short on cash and had a feeling something like this might happen) affect his decision in not offering to pay?

He's interested in me, but I don't know if I should pursue this relationship. Good manners mean a lot to me, and I don't know if can introduce him to my friends and family. After all, the first impression tells you a lot about a person.

GENTLE READER: And his first impression was of you at the ATM right before dinner. The gentleman likely assumed that either you intended to pay for your meal, or you were planning a quick getaway afterward.

You are correct that the person initiating the invitation should pay. Please forget about that active-passive angle. Everyone else has.

Your new friend could easily have been confused by your actions and not wanted to offend. Miss Manners suggests you give him the benefit of the doubt and invite him on another date. This time you should pay -- and if he protests, say, "No, no, I invited you." If he is the gentleman you hope him to be, he will understand for next time.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What do I take to Thanksgiving dinner when the hostess said to "bring nothing"?

GENTLE READER: An appetite, good cheer, sociability toward everyone there, and an attitude of thankfulness.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Over the years, I was taught that when setting a proper table, glassware is placed above the knives, i.e. water glass, wine glass(es). However, while attending a wine tasting and dinner, the glassware was placed above the forks, the indication being made that this was the proper setting, as set forth in the world of wine experts.

I turn to you, Miss Manners, for a point of clarification, please. Have the Certified Wine Experts changed the way we set our tables, or is the more traditional setting still proper?

GENTLE READER: As little enthusiasm as Miss Manners has for taking on the Certified Wine Experts, they do not get to trash the table settings. Besides, many -- probably nearly all -- of their very own admirers were taught as you were. Do they really want them reaching for one another's glasses?

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I like to be shirtless, but my girlfriend insists that when people are around I put on a shirt. I do not have an offensive body, so that's not the issue. She says it's respect. Who's right?

GENTLE READER: She is. Clearly you are offensive, because you are offending a lady who presumably likes you. Miss Manners doubts that you can expect more appreciation from others.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The invitation to a baby shower for my niece asked me to please not wrap the gift, and to please not put a tag on it, as the Mommy-to-be did not want to know who the gift was from. It also went on to ask me to please not buy a card, but to buy a book instead.

I thought all of these requests were quite rude, especially the one of not putting a tag on the gift. I took the time to knit this baby a blanket and would like the baby (and the parents) to know that it came from me, the baby's great-aunt. What are your thoughts on this?

GENTLE READER: That Mommy-to-be has cunningly planned yet another rudeness, as without identifying tags on the presents, she will be unable to write letters of thanks. Miss Manners is tempted to point out that without tags, Mommy-to-be will also not know if you opt out -- either by violating another of her many rules, or by omitting a present entirely. But she supposes that Mommy will also be standing at the door when you arrive, sizing up the loot.

If you expect this to be the case, you might mail the gift in advance, accompanied by a handwritten note. If your niece has the temerity to complain, you can look slightly hurt and say that surely Grandniece-to-be would want to know how much Great-Auntie-to-be loves her.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I was married to my first husband, I prepared the Thanksgiving meal for a crowd of 25-plus family and friends, and my then-mother-in-law would always announce, right when we were all sitting down to eat, that she wanted leftovers.

I found this to be really annoying and rude, as it was almost as if she was intimating to everyone not to eat a lot so she could have another meal. I always told her if I had to give leftovers to her, I had to give them to everyone, not to mention the fact that I always cooked a large turkey so I could have leftovers. She is now my ex-mother-in-law.

GENTLE READER: And you are both thankful to be rid of the relationship, Miss Manners gathers. Had you been willing to put up with the lady in the interests of continuing the marriage, you could have anticipated this admittedly rude order by saying quietly, before the meal, that you had prepared something for her to take home.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)