DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have discussed with our children sending them to "Manners Camp." Despite our efforts, our children do not have the best manners.

GENTLE READER: If there is ever a case for home schooling, plus home camping, this is it.

No one is more aware than Miss Manners that there is major remedial work to be done in instilling manners in succeeding generations. Administering this is what keeps her from a pleasantly quiet life on the porch swing.

But she is the first to admit that manners, the principles of civilized behavior, and etiquette, the customs of one's own society, are too complex to be learned in one gulp. Like language, manners are more or less painlessly absorbed from childhood, not only through instruction, but through daily example and practice. Also like language, they are harder to master as an adult, which is when one is more likely to see the need.

Miss Manners is therefore immensely grateful to parents like you who are making the effort. She also understands that it is a long, sometimes discouraging process, and the idea of outsourcing it for a quick fix is tempting.

But as there is no quick fix, your discouragement is premature. Child-rearing takes a couple of decades, but is about as rewarding a pursuit as exists, and the greatest boon you can give to the child and to civilization.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper etiquette for an ex-spouse going to the other's home unannounced?

GENTLE READER: The same ban on unauthorized drop-ins prevails as for any non-resident of the house. And more so, Miss Manners notes, if the other ex-spouse has taken out a restraining order.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last week I visited a home, last occupied in the early 1900s, which has been turned into a museum. In the formal dining room, they had set the table with china and silver from that time period.

What was odd, however, was that the knives and spoons were on the left side and the napkins and forks were on the right side. They also put the pickle forks with the salad and dinner forks.

I'm guessing that was just to show the pretty silverware. The museum guide didn't know why the table had been set that way, since she didn't know it was wrong. She said she would ask the curator.

I was wondering if you know if that was the proper way to set a table around the turn of the century, or did someone just get confused?

GENTLE READER: Confused, or sadly ignorant of the most basic and traditional dining habits of our own society. Miss Manners has observed similarly mis-set tables in several museums, and fears that the curators are unaware of how people behaved, and of how embarrassed they would have been at this sloppiness.

Eating habits have changed over the centuries and vary among societies. The biggest early 20th-century change in regard to flatware was that the great variety of specialized eating instruments that appeared in the late Victorian era began disappearing during World War I, melted down for the silver content.

But no, the surviving forks and knives did not jump over the plates to change places.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a Caucasian man and my wife is Chinese. Often when I am out with our daughter but not my wife, strangers will ask questions like, "Where did you get your daughter?"

What is a good reply? I usually just try to look confused by the question and joke, "In the usual way."

GENTLE READER: Although amused by your joke, Miss Manners finds herself urging you to amend it. These impertinent strangers are presuming an adoption, and you surely don't mean to imply that adopting a child is unusual.

Perhaps you might want to try, "I'm sure your family wouldn't want you to be picking up information from strangers on the street about where babies come from."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My pearl earrings are simple and classic, but they dangle from small gold hooks. Are they still proper to wear at a funeral?

I ask because my mother is passing, and as I am not a family favorite by any means, the last few months have been quite difficult. The funeral promises worse.

It would be nice to know I am at least correctly attired from an official perspective. If I wear no jewelry, I will be considered "frumpy" and disrespectful. If I wear the wrong jewelry, I will be "flashy'" and disrespectful, which is probably worse. It would mean a lot to me to know exactly where the lines of propriety are.

GENTLE READER: Plain pearl earrings (Miss Manners gathers that yours are not the long, swingy sort that should be reserved for evening parties) are beyond ordinary reproach when worn with black clothes to a funeral. But as your relatives are determined to get you, one way or the other, she cannot promise you immunity from the nasty nitpicking that they apparently consider respectful behavior at a funeral.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband's hobby is building model airplanes, ships and automobiles. A few weeks ago, a friend dropped in with her 3-year-old granddaughter. My husband had been working on a model and the materials were spread out on the kitchen table. Glue and paint were drying.

My friend asked me to put the materials away because they were not "kid-friendly." I told her my husband had gone out and I did not want to disturb his fragile project, so we should visit another day. Even though I was sincerely polite, she left in a huff and is now telling other friends how rude I was.

Miss Manners, was I rude?

GENTLE READER: Well, there does seem to be a bit of childish behavior here, on the part of everyone except the actual child.

Since your friend "dropped in," it was presumptuous of her to think that she could set the terms of the visit. And the term "kid-friendly" strikes Miss Manners as implying that your husband is a monster for pursuing his own hobby in his own house.

Still, your solution was a bit drastic. Were there no other rooms or outdoor areas in which to visit? It should take more of a rampage for a guest to be thrown out of the house.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband's parents visited us recently from out of state. About two weeks after they departed, I received a terse note from my husband's grandmother, in which she expressed concern for my relationship with my mother-in-law because I had not written to thank them for visiting.

I felt a bit hurt because we have a new baby, and it was a real effort to clean, shop and cook for their visit. My mother-in-law spent some time playing with the baby, but she did not pitch in with any chores.

Am I truly remiss in not writing to thank them for enjoying our hospitality? More important, what shall I say in the letter I must now write?

GENTLE READER: That your mother-in-law did not "pitch in" does not, at first glance, relate directly to your question -- except to indicate that you are attempting to defend yourself by making a countercharge of in-law rudeness.

Miss Manners has no objection to the strategy, merely the tactics.

Nice as it might have been for your mother-in-law to help, they were your guests and cannot therefore properly be criticized on this point. She suggests writing to your grandmother-in-law that it was always your understanding that the guest thanked the host, not the other way around -- but that you are not expecting a letter from your mother--in-law, as you know that the rule does not apply to immediate family.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am one who is always on different committees, such as the retirement committee. When my grandbaby came, these same people on the committee didn't have the decency to celebrate the new arrival with a grandma gift. What to do?

GENTLE READER: Grow up?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a "couple" in our neighborhood who have decided they do not want to associate with the rest of the neighborhood when it comes to BBQs, parties, etc. Over the past year they have turned down multiple invitations.

At the last event we had, another neighbor approached them to let them know we were having a party with a band. They kindly went out for the evening.

There was some sort of incident that happened over a year ago that triggered this. I was not present, so I don't know all the details, but it appeared to be petty. The neighbors in question have remained cordial by waving, saying hello, etc., to the rest of the neighbors -- they just don't want to go beyond that.

After a year of inviting them, over and over, is it OK to finally say enough is enough and stop leaving an invitation at their door?

GENTLE READER: Although Miss Manners has not heard directly from the "couple" you name, she has no trouble imagining what their question to her would be, namely, "How do we politely avoid endless, unwanted invitations from our neighbors?"

It seems to her that as they probably picked up on your considering them a "couple" in quotations marks, they are behaving very well.

Her advice to you is to stop. Not only will they not be offended if you stop issuing invitations, it is their most fervent wish.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)