DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a Caucasian man and my wife is Chinese. Often when I am out with our daughter but not my wife, strangers will ask questions like, "Where did you get your daughter?"

What is a good reply? I usually just try to look confused by the question and joke, "In the usual way."

GENTLE READER: Although amused by your joke, Miss Manners finds herself urging you to amend it. These impertinent strangers are presuming an adoption, and you surely don't mean to imply that adopting a child is unusual.

Perhaps you might want to try, "I'm sure your family wouldn't want you to be picking up information from strangers on the street about where babies come from."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My pearl earrings are simple and classic, but they dangle from small gold hooks. Are they still proper to wear at a funeral?

I ask because my mother is passing, and as I am not a family favorite by any means, the last few months have been quite difficult. The funeral promises worse.

It would be nice to know I am at least correctly attired from an official perspective. If I wear no jewelry, I will be considered "frumpy" and disrespectful. If I wear the wrong jewelry, I will be "flashy'" and disrespectful, which is probably worse. It would mean a lot to me to know exactly where the lines of propriety are.

GENTLE READER: Plain pearl earrings (Miss Manners gathers that yours are not the long, swingy sort that should be reserved for evening parties) are beyond ordinary reproach when worn with black clothes to a funeral. But as your relatives are determined to get you, one way or the other, she cannot promise you immunity from the nasty nitpicking that they apparently consider respectful behavior at a funeral.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband's hobby is building model airplanes, ships and automobiles. A few weeks ago, a friend dropped in with her 3-year-old granddaughter. My husband had been working on a model and the materials were spread out on the kitchen table. Glue and paint were drying.

My friend asked me to put the materials away because they were not "kid-friendly." I told her my husband had gone out and I did not want to disturb his fragile project, so we should visit another day. Even though I was sincerely polite, she left in a huff and is now telling other friends how rude I was.

Miss Manners, was I rude?

GENTLE READER: Well, there does seem to be a bit of childish behavior here, on the part of everyone except the actual child.

Since your friend "dropped in," it was presumptuous of her to think that she could set the terms of the visit. And the term "kid-friendly" strikes Miss Manners as implying that your husband is a monster for pursuing his own hobby in his own house.

Still, your solution was a bit drastic. Were there no other rooms or outdoor areas in which to visit? It should take more of a rampage for a guest to be thrown out of the house.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband's parents visited us recently from out of state. About two weeks after they departed, I received a terse note from my husband's grandmother, in which she expressed concern for my relationship with my mother-in-law because I had not written to thank them for visiting.

I felt a bit hurt because we have a new baby, and it was a real effort to clean, shop and cook for their visit. My mother-in-law spent some time playing with the baby, but she did not pitch in with any chores.

Am I truly remiss in not writing to thank them for enjoying our hospitality? More important, what shall I say in the letter I must now write?

GENTLE READER: That your mother-in-law did not "pitch in" does not, at first glance, relate directly to your question -- except to indicate that you are attempting to defend yourself by making a countercharge of in-law rudeness.

Miss Manners has no objection to the strategy, merely the tactics.

Nice as it might have been for your mother-in-law to help, they were your guests and cannot therefore properly be criticized on this point. She suggests writing to your grandmother-in-law that it was always your understanding that the guest thanked the host, not the other way around -- but that you are not expecting a letter from your mother--in-law, as you know that the rule does not apply to immediate family.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am one who is always on different committees, such as the retirement committee. When my grandbaby came, these same people on the committee didn't have the decency to celebrate the new arrival with a grandma gift. What to do?

GENTLE READER: Grow up?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a "couple" in our neighborhood who have decided they do not want to associate with the rest of the neighborhood when it comes to BBQs, parties, etc. Over the past year they have turned down multiple invitations.

At the last event we had, another neighbor approached them to let them know we were having a party with a band. They kindly went out for the evening.

There was some sort of incident that happened over a year ago that triggered this. I was not present, so I don't know all the details, but it appeared to be petty. The neighbors in question have remained cordial by waving, saying hello, etc., to the rest of the neighbors -- they just don't want to go beyond that.

After a year of inviting them, over and over, is it OK to finally say enough is enough and stop leaving an invitation at their door?

GENTLE READER: Although Miss Manners has not heard directly from the "couple" you name, she has no trouble imagining what their question to her would be, namely, "How do we politely avoid endless, unwanted invitations from our neighbors?"

It seems to her that as they probably picked up on your considering them a "couple" in quotations marks, they are behaving very well.

Her advice to you is to stop. Not only will they not be offended if you stop issuing invitations, it is their most fervent wish.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Not so long ago, when only heterosexual marriages were publicly recognized, society had easily understood terms for a person's spouse. A lady's spouse was her "husband," while a gentleman's spouse was his "wife."

Thus, I could easily introduce a couple as "John Smith and his wife, Mary Jones," or "Mary Johnson and her husband, William Johnson."

However, with the advent of same-sex marriages, I sometimes find myself at a loss as to the correct form of introduction. Is each gentleman in a same-sex marriage the "husband" of the other, with each lady in a similar relationship the "wife" of her spouse?

Or alternately, is a gentleman's spouse his "wife" regardless of the spouse's gender, and a lady's spouse likewise her "husband"?

I recognize that the equality or inequality of forms has taken on substantial symbolic importance these days. I would like to treat all couples with equal courtesy, but our traditional language creates ambiguities when applied to our new circumstances.

GENTLE READER: No, it doesn't. A married male is a husband and a married female is a wife, just as two male parents are both fathers and two female parents both mothers.

Please don't make trouble. Miss Manners is still weary from the emotion-laden battles over designations for couples who are not married. Perhaps "partner" is not the best solution (because it also describes a business relationship), but it is better than the explicit, overly cute or puzzling terms that were being suggested.

At any rate, it is now generally understood: "partners," unmarried; "husband" and "wife," married. Using any other terms for legally married same-sex couples would appear to cast doubt on their status and throw them back into the partner category.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate for my boyfriend to attend adult children's and grandchildren's birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc., events that take place at his ex-wife's house? The child with the grandchild lives there, and all events seem to be there.

I don't feel comfortable with him always going over there and do not think it is normal. He won't say anything.

GENTLE READER: Not normal? To want to see his children and grandchildren, wherever it is that makes that possible?

You could argue, Miss Manners supposes, that your discomfort -- or, should we say bluntly, jealousy -- is also normal. However, there is a difference between open-hearted normal and begrudging normal. The former is to be encouraged; the latter is to be decently hidden, if not suppressed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister is in her second week of recovering from a double mastectomy for breast cancer. Her husband is asking her if she has responded to well wishes and flowers, meals, etc.

Of course, she has thanked those who personally delivered these things, but has not gotten around to writing thank-you notes. I believe she needs to concentrate on getting well right now, and that most people will understand the delay.

Her husband is making her feel negligent about this; is he wrong? I love my brother-in-law, but am a little put out with him right now!

GENTLE READER: Making people feel negligent for neglecting their etiquette duties is a major part of Miss Manners' job. In this case, she would direct it at the husband, who could have written those letters, saying, "Natasha asked me to tell you how touched and grateful she is ..."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)