DEAR MISS MANNERS: Say that I am on a subway car with a small child who does not want to be on the subway and is expressing that opinion at the top of her lungs. Say that I have tried everything I can think of to get her to quiet down, and neither reasoning, sympathizing nor firm warning has any effect.

What should I do?

On the one hand, I know she is disturbing the other passengers, and it would be polite to get off with her at the next station and so stop the noise. On the other hand, if I do that, it will teach her that a tantrum is a great means to get her own way, and I can expect an even louder tantrum every time we're traveling when she doesn't care to. (Not taking the train isn't an option -- we need to get to places too far to walk and can't afford a car or taxi.)

How do I stay considerate of the other passengers without teaching the lesson that screaming loudly enough is the best way to get out of something unpleasant?

GENTLE READER: In the rearing of small children, results may vary, but effort counts. When Miss Manners gets complaints about children, they are invariably followed by "and the parents did nothing to try to stop them."

If your fellow passengers see that you are trying to calm your child, they still may not like the noise, but should be satisfied by the attempt. Those who don't have or dislike small children won't be satisfied no matter what you do. And those who have been in your shoes, well, have been in your shoes and will sympathize.

But say that you have no particular plans one day and this small child begs you to go to the zoo or out for ice cream. Say that you agree to it, but tell her that you must travel by subway, and if there is a tantrum, you will return home immediately (on the subway, of course).

If the expedition is without incident, commend the child, but tell her that there will be no such fun trips in the future if there are protests on the routine ones.

"Threats and bribes" is the way one parent of Miss Manners' acquaintance described this method. "Survival" is what Miss Manners would call it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper wording for ordering food in a restaurant? My grandmother says it is "I will have ..." but my mom says it is "May I please have ..."

I am about to go to college, and I want to make sure I am polite when I order food since I know how waiters feel because I work in a restaurant.

GENTLE READER: It is good of you to think of the waiter's feelings, and Miss Manners has no wish to discourage you from saying "please." She only asks you to understand that your grandmother is not being rude. Ordering food in a restaurant is a business transaction, not a petition for a favor. It is not customary to say, in a store, for example, "May I please buy this?"

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it acceptable to sing aloud while others are working?

GENTLE READER: Certainly, presuming that you are a chorister or a monkey grinder.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a proper way, on a birthday invitation for a 1-year-old, to ask for no gifts but a monetary donation to college?

GENTLE READER: What a forward-thinking child you have. Only 1 year old, and his birthday wish is to save up for college.

But first you must teach him manners. Specifically, birthday parties are the occasion for teaching the manners of hospitality.

Miss Manners suggests starting with the definition of a guest. A guest is someone to whom refreshment and entertainment are freely given. It is not someone to whom these are sold in return for control over the targeted person's money to buy or fund whatever the so-called host demands.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been a high school English teacher for 15 years, and while scores of students have asked me for letters of recommendation, I've noticed a burgeoning trend.

Several students have not just asked for a recommendation for college or a summer program, having faith that I will indeed speak well of them; they have asked if I could write them a "good" letter of recommendation.

This newest request mentioned a handful of flattery toward me, and then asked if I could not speak as well of the student, that I let him know so he could ask someone else. And this request came via email; the student did not even have the decency to ask in person.

I would like to respond to future requests of this nature, but I don't want to extend rudeness back. Were he to ask without the flattery and request that the letter be good, I would happily do so.

Now, I want to tell him I cannot do it, as his request seems to somehow go against a moral grain. It seems insulting on top of that. Would it be better to say that I cannot fulfill the task and ask future students of his ilk to ask someone else, no reason given?

GENTLE READER: Not many people are looking for bad letters of recommendation. The problem is one of trust, which is not, as you have noticed, flattering.

The shrewd student would, when asking for the letter, have also requested a copy "for his records." The shrewder student would have said how much a letter of recommendation from you would mean, and asked if you felt able to give him one -- heeding any hesitation on your part.

But as a high school English teacher, you are used to being the only adult in the room. You are also, Miss Manners trusts, used to the awkwardness and insecurity of teenagers. She would therefore recommend that you save your dander for more egregious behavior and provide letters -- or refuse to do so -- based on whether you feel you can give the student in question a letter that truly recommends.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper thing to say to a co-worker who has just had breast augmentation done by choice?

It will be obvious that she had this done. Some of us who work in the office with her don't know what to say once she comes back to work.

GENTLE READER: Usually, those who claim that they "don't know what to say" mean that they are reluctant to use conventional phrases, not realizing that those are the time-proven best. However, in such cases as yours, it may be that they dimly suspect that they should shut up.

That would be Miss Manners' advice, immediately after saying, "Glad to see you back." There is no polite way of saying, "Wow, I see that your bosom is a lot bigger."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I thought I had seen everything, but recently we received a wedding invitation via Facebook.

If that was not bad enough, it turns out that the wedding couple, both musicians, decided to have the ceremony in the context of a concert performance by them. The invitation indicated that because they have decided to rent a concert hall, in lieu of buying a gift, we would be required to buy a ticket to help defray the costs of the performance.

Again, because of financial restrictions, we were instructed that we could order food and beverages off a menu at our own expense, but cupcakes would be provided for dessert.

Last week we received yet another online notification indicating if we could not attend, we may choose to donate at various levels toward the couple's honeymoon. Depending on what amount we gave, the gift giver would be given a variety of different "thank you" responses from the couple.

I realize that times are changing, but we were flabbergasted by an invitation like this. While I don't expect people to go into great debt to throw an extravagant wedding reception, it also doesn't feel appropriate for guests to foot the bill.

We paid for our own simple but elegant wedding and reception, and kept it within a budget we could afford. I should add the couple are middle-aged, so I would think they would know better. Any thoughts on this?

GENTLE READER: Who are these musicians? Franz Liszt and Nellie Melba?

Even then, the price would be rather steep. Especially as you are expected to bring your own Peach Melba.

Because of the deft touch about different levels of thanks, Miss Manners will do this couple the courtesy of assuming that they meant it all as a joke. However, she feels obliged to warn them not to hope to make a living as comedians.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My grandmother and I were at a restaurant that used paper napkins. Is it proper to put the paper napkin on the lap, or is that only necessary with cloth napkins? Please let me know as soon as possible.

GENTLE READER: How quickly were you hoping to trounce your grandmother?

Miss Manners' guess is that you will be disappointed, as she presumes that the lady is gracious enough to treat that pathetic piece of paper as if it were what it pretends to be.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)