DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an African-American woman whom some might call "elderly" but who still has a full-time career. I find, as you observed, that the "line between friendliness and impertinence is getting thinner and thinner."

For example, receptionists, bank tellers, store associates and others whom I have never met seem to believe that it is appropriate to call me by my first name. I do not know when this familiarity became acceptable. But I am old enough to remember when black women in the South -- the area where I was born and lived my formative years -- were never afforded the title Miss, Mrs. and now, I suppose, Ms.

Members of the majority population deemed the title one that conveyed gentility, class origins, purity of race and body -- statuses to which women like my mother and I could not lay claim. (Histories of black women teachers recount the campaign to be called by these titles.) It might be that I still smart from that memory; it might just be that I am old enough to recall when people asked for the privilege of this familiarity.

Often I say to the stranger who reads my name from my credit card or identification, "My name is Ms. -----." However, frequently the addresser does not understand the hint.

So have rules of etiquette changed this markedly? If they have, but I choose to remain old-fashioned, how do I make my request about the term of address known short of an aggressive correction?

GENTLE READER: This is what comes of people thinking they can change etiquette rules without Miss Manners' permission.

The practice of denying titles of respect to African-Americans (and female office workers, household employees, and whoever else was dismissed as inferior or childlike) violated the most basic requirement of manners, which is to show respect for others.

It took an unconscionably long time for people to realize this. But it happened in a period when the bizarre notion prevailed that the pretense of universal friendship would solve the world's problems. The greatest proponents actually urged hugging strangers, formerly known as assault, as a form of philanthropic therapy.

And so when it was recognized that forms of address needed to be equalized, the solution that Miss Manners would have thought obvious -- granting titles of respect to all -- was bypassed. Instead, equality was to mean that nobody would be entitled to that dignity. Under the pseudo-friendship model, people were no longer allowed to choose their own friends.

Well, that's how things changed. But, as you no doubt gather, it is not an authorized change, and you do not have to accept it. You will, of course, be polite, knowing that the offenders are ignorant of the history, but you should be insistent. If the first correction makes no impression, you should say, "Excuse me, but I said I prefer to be addressed as Ms. (surname)."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Would you please tell me what is the proper etiquette for inviting someone to a bridal shower if they will not be invited to the wedding? Is that an appropriate thing to do?

GENTLE READER: The proper etiquette is: don't. Miss Manners wonders why anyone would think that someone not close enough to be welcome at the wedding would want to participate in a less important but more intimate gathering.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My longtime boyfriend (we started dating in high school) and I bought a house together in 2009, and soon after decided to become legally married, mostly for financial reasons. He had a well-paying job and I had just started grad school. I assumed we'd have a wedding within the year, and decided not to let anyone know we were legally married.

Fast-forward a few years: I'm done with grad school, starting out in my career, and I recently found out that I'm pregnant.

I don't know how to let people know that I'm legally married years after the fact and that I'm expecting. I still plan to have a wedding, which I see as more of a community gathering, and we've both agreed that we'll do that when the baby is born and a little older.

How do I announce any of this, and what do I announce? Do I wait until after the baby? Before the baby?

GENTLE READER: So the plan is to appear as a bride, either pregnant or with a baby in tow, and announce that you were married several years ago? Good luck with that.

Miss Manners rather doubts that people care enough nowadays to keep track. But if you want to let them know without inspiring chortles, you need only confide, "My husband and I are expecting a baby." And if you want to have a party, throw yourself an anniversary party.

But don't imagine that you can fool Miss Manners into believing that "a wedding" is a community gathering that need not involve anyone actually getting married. She hears often from those who have attended such events, thinking they were being invited to witness a marriage taking place, only to discover that an already-married couple was acting the parts of bride and bridegroom. Those guests have some harsh things to say about the motives for staging this.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My late and very proper Bostonian mother insisted that it is inhospitable to have candlewicks that have not been lighted. As soon as she brought candles into our home, she would light the wicks.

I have taught my daughters this custom and have no idea why a lighted wick is hospitable! Can you shed some light on this, oh wise one? Is this an outdated custom from the Dark Ages?

GENTLE READER: In the Dark Ages, wax was an expensive necessity, and no one would want to waste even the amount it would take to darken the wicks. But in the Age of Enlightenment -- well, actually the Age of Electrical Enlightenment, which came later -- candles were no longer a necessity to see beyond your nose.

They are now used for a special effect. However, to keep a utilitarian object without using it smacks of pretentious display. Miss Manners is pleased to know that she is not the only person left on Earth who goes around singeing her fresh candles.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the last year, my husband and I have found out that the daughter of my best friend is, in fact, my husband's daughter. We had no idea. This little girl was conceived while my husband and I were separated. My husband and I have also had our own child, who is 6 months old.

We have moved the older child and her mother into our home and have started to provide for them the best we can (the mother does not work). We are now at the point that my husband has taken on a second job and is not home very often.

I still get along with my best friend and we are even closer then we were before, but I am at a loss of how to handle the older child. She is downright rude to me, will not listen to me, will cry if I so much as raise my voice at my niece, who is 4, and lies to me. I know this is a big change for her, but I do not know what to do to make this situation work. How do I not lose it with this child?

GENTLE READER: You have managed not to lose it so far, under what Miss Manners would think rather trying circumstances, so she has faith that you can carry on.

You can hardly blame the child for being confused about the lines of authority in this household. Who wouldn't be?

As you are both the lady of the house and this child's stepmother, you need to be able to exercise authority. Yet -- as you have discovered, and tyrants find out only when they are about to lose their heads -- no one can govern successfully without the consent, in some form, of the governed.

It will take a great deal of patience and warmth for this child to understand that you have her interests at heart. Your niece may or may not know that you love her even when you yell (oh, sorry, you just raise your voice), but the other child must feel that your displeasure will have terrible consequences.

You are fortunate that the mother is there to offer steady reassurance about you, and about their position in the household. The child should be able to observe, on a daily basis, that there is trust between you, and that the rules in regard to both morals and manners are endorsed by all three adults, not directed solely at this child but apply to everyone.

So please lower your voice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When setting the dinner table, why do we place the forks on the left?

GENTLE READER: Why do we drive on the right? In both cases, the actual position is arbitrary, but having a fixed position is essential.

Having to search around for your fork every time you have a meal may not be as dangerous as driving on the wrong side of the road, although if you snatch the fork of a hungry and volatile neighbor, Miss Manners would not be able to answer for the consequences.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)