DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had an overnight guest who proudly informed me the next day that I need not change the linens on the bed since he had not slept between the sheets!

I was appalled but did not feel it was appropriate to inquire exactly where he actually slept. I assumed it was on top of the blanket and under the quilt since this occurred in the wintertime.

This is not the first time this type of thing has happened, although in the past the guest was a young adult and I assumed it was just youthful ignorance. This time the guest was my father-in-law!

Of course, I still had to strip the bed of all linens, including the blanket and quilt, and launder everything. How does a hostess politely explain that she expects her guests to sleep between the sheets and that not doing so creates more, not less, work for her?

GENTLE READER: Guests who invent odd schemes to avoid being troublesome can be a nuisance, Miss Manners agrees. It is not only annoying, but also faintly insulting to presume that a host so resents the normal housework connected with entertaining as to be grateful to a guest who refrains from using the simple amenities. Plus, as you point out, it can create extra work.

Presumably, your father-in-law will be visiting again. You should invest in a washable blanket cover, which is something very like a sheet. Or a duvet with a washable cover.

Another precaution would be to say graciously, on the next visit, "I know you like to sleep on top of the bed, so I've had the blanket cleaned for you." If he protests, you must reply, "No, no, it was no trouble at all. I want you to be comfortable."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A young cousin has recently graduated from high school. His mother asked my uncle, another aunt and her husband, and my fiance and me to pitch in $200 each to purchase a computer for him to use in college.

All of us agreed to do so. She decided that the computer we chose was inadequate and took it upon herself to upgrade it to a more expensive model. She is now requesting that we increase our contribution to $600 each.

Understand that I love my cousin dearly. However, I feel substantially burdened by this request. It was a pinch for me to find the $200, and another $400 seems unreasonable. I would like your opinion, please.

GENTLE READER: It is that this is what naturally comes of allowing people to dictate their own -- or in this case, a son's -- presents. Instead of gratitude, you get a demand to upgrade.

Miss Manners advises the contributors to give the mother one answer, so that those who feel shamed into giving more do not put pressure on others. It should be a polite but firm statement that you regret that your present isn't satisfactory, but of course she is free to improve upon it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm writing a memoir and want to write honestly how I experienced incidents involving other persons, while including the caveat that the other persons may have felt very differently about the same incidents. I think these other people would rather I not write about them at all. Where does self-expression and one's right to tell one's memories end, and other people's right not to be included in my written memories begin?

GENTLE READER: Every writer must be a voracious reader. Miss Manners recommends that you read libel law.

It is true that your parents will probably not sue you for saying you had a rotten childhood, and that plenty of successful writers have written about people they know in ways that may not have pleased those people.

Miss Manners is not saying that you should not attempt this, thus possibly discouraging what may be a great piece of literature illuminating the human condition. She is only asking you to be aware of the effect on others and not sacrifice their feelings unnecessarily.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: There is a line in one of my mother's favorite country music songs -- something to the effect of "he stopped loving her today; they placed a wreath upon his door."

I believe the song's author is saying that "he" died. What can you tell me about the tradition of hanging a black wreath upon the door of a house in mourning? Is this a symbol that would be recognized today? Is the practice still in use? Should one have a black wreath on hand in the event a household member passes?

GENTLE READER: Etiquette used to have dozens of ways that the bereaved could warn people to treat them gently, such as black clothes, black-edged writing paper and black wreaths on the door.

But those were the days before the bizarre notion arose that what they really needed was to be urged to get past their grief and get on with their lives. Formal mourning has been dropped so thoroughly that few now understand what is disconcerting about bridesmaids in black dresses.

Miss Manners is afraid that conspicuous mourning would probably now have the unfortunate effect of encouraging the self-appointed therapists who think they can solve what they see as an attitude problem. If you put a black wreath on the door, they would only tell you that you should have taken down your Christmas wreath before it atrophied.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The vendor I hired to make my wedding invitations has printed the following: "at half past six in the after evening."

Is the use of "after evening" appropriate? I cannot find it anywhere online.

GENTLE READER: "After evening"? Isn't that the time when the guests are supposed to have gone home?

Miss Manners hopes that you are not being charged by the word. Not only is that "after" senseless, but "in the evening" is also superfluous. Formality eschews word clutter, and believes that people have the sense to realize that weddings are not generally held at 6:30 in the morning.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have found myself in a curious position. As a server in a prominent restaurant, I was accosted by two women who took offense to me referring to them as "young ladies." The ladies in question were possibly mid-50s to mid-60s, and one became irate, informing me that to refer to her as "young lady" was an insult and condescending.

She went on to say that all her friends agree, and at her age she knows she is not young and I was just being rude. After being surprised by that outburst, I was verbally thrashed by the "lady's" husband for referring to a man as "sir." He indicated that "sir" was, as well, condescending and indicated old age.

I have been a server for many years. I refer to ALL my female guests as "miss," "ma'am," "missus" or "young lady." I refer to ALL my male guests as "sir," "gentlemen" or "young man," regardless of age.

My mother -- 70 years old -- takes no offense to the "young lady" -- in fact, she loves it. My father expects "sir"; there is no other address.

Miss Manners, is it wrong to refer to women of any age as "young ladies" and men of any age as "sir"?

GENTLE READER: What an ill-matched and ill-natured couple you had the misfortune to encounter. The wife accuses you of being condescending for not recognizing that she is old, and the husband accuses you of being condescending for supposedly implying that he is.

What Miss Manners recognizes is the temptation to dismiss them both as cranks whose accusations have canceled each other. She commends you for using the incident instead to ponder the bizarre emotions that modern Americans have about age.

It has come to be generally considered disgraceful, if not disgusting, to age. The commercial world and the promoters of mental and physical health bombard us with products and techniques that claim to retard, if not reverse, aging. The implication is that ignorance or laziness is what keeps us from staying young, and the elderly have only themselves to blame.

As a result, an elaborate system of dissimulation has arisen, with which people conceal their own ages and reassure one another of eternal youth: "Oh, I'm too young to remember that," "You haven't changed a bit," "Your daughter? Why I thought you two were sisters," and so on.

Failing to observe this convention brings on the accusation of "You make me feel old." There can hardly be a more self-defeating complaint, as only the old have been known to utter it.

It is taken to such an extreme that many old people forgo -- and claim to be insulted by -- respect and consideration. To accept the offer of a seat or, as you discovered, a dignified title, may inspire rudeness.

Yet the two complaints you received are not parallel. "Young lady" is not a title of respect, but an apparent comment on age, born of the notion that everyone wants to seem young. Your mother may enjoy it, but with strangers, you should stick with "ma'am" or "miss."

You will still get complaints, like the one about using "sir," from those deluded enough to think that giving up the privileges of age will make them seem young. But no reasonable person can fault you for showing respect.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)