DEAR MISS MANNERS: A family friend that my wife knew growing up, but was never close friends with, sent her a notice of her son's high school graduation, along with a picture of the son. Never in all these years did my wife receive any other pictures, holiday cards or even an announcement when the son was born, so this is the first we've known of him.

Now I'm curious as to what to do about the notice. I always send family and close friends monetary gifts upon graduation, but those are kids who have been close to us in terms of contact and such.

Do we ignore the notice as just a "my son has made it"-type thing, or are we obligated in some way to send a gift? Sending a congratulations card with no money in it would be disappointing to the boy in my eyes.

GENTLE READER: And you wouldn't want to disappoint someone who is expecting to reap money from people he never met and who didn't know of his existence?

But, then, you have not heard from the son, so Miss Manners sees no obligation to address him. The polite thing for your wife to do would be to write the family friend, saying how nice it was to hear from her after all these years and congratulating her on her son's graduation. There is no need to speculate on the motives of the mother, and no need to pay him.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband has a chronic, debilitating illness. Frequently I field phone calls from his family or queries from friends I run into, and I don't seem to have the right answer for "How's Bob?"

I hate telling people the situation is awful every time I talk to them. Some people don't really want to know, and it's depressing for everyone else. I've tried out, "There's no change," "About the same" or "He's managing," but even those are getting stale. I already know I can't respond with a casual "He's fine," because people often take that to mean he's improved, inevitably leading to a need for clarification.

He has one family member I would like to tell this: "When I say he's OK, what I really mean is that nothing has changed, some days are worse than others, we don't expect it to improve, he's not in the hospital and he's not dead. That's what 'OK' means to us."

My husband emphasizes his poor condition to this person, and wants me to do the same, so the family member will leave him alone. I haven't observed it to be effective. Any suggestions I can add to my repertoire?

GENTLE READER: "About as well as can be expected, thank you. I'll tell him you called."

Miss Manners realizes that this is no better than what you have been saying, but it's longer, and the last part is a sign-off, so she hopes it will help. Please allow her to say that she also hopes that you don't dismiss everyone, but are frank with the people whom you and he really care about -- for their sake, yours and your husband's.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my mother was visiting for the weekend, we ran into one of my neighbors, who had met my mother once prior. As we were getting into my car, the neighbor waved and said, "Hi, Mom!"

My mother thought that was very insincere and that the neighbor should have remembered her name from their first meeting months ago. She went on to say that "Mom" is reserved only for her children and spouses of her children.

I totally disagreed and felt that the neighbor calling "Hi, Mom" was somewhat a term of endearment and was better than just waving or not saying anything at all. Thoughts?

GENTLE READER: The line between friendliness and impertinence is getting thinner and thinner. And contrary to the usual development of vision, it is harder for the young to see than for older people.

Miss Manners agrees that the neighbor meant well, that calling a greeting was better than ignoring your mother, and that he or she cannot reasonably be expected to have remembered your mother's name.

That said, your mother had a reason to be upset. She was being patronized. It is not endearing for an outsider to assume use of an intimate form of address; it is cheeky. The implication is that she is some sort of generic mother.

Probably, however, the nice neighbor merely registered the fact that the lady is your mother and blurted that out. At least that is the possibility that Miss Manners suggests emphasizing to your mother.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Who should a husband seat first at the dinner table, his mother or his wife?

GENTLE READER: Whoever is older.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter, who is 33 and has been married for 13 years, with two children, is about to graduate from college. She, of course, wants to celebrate with a nice party. She has asked for my help.

What is my obligation financially to her, if any? I'm on a limited budget and cannot afford the party she deserves and wants. What is the proper etiquette?

GENTLE READER: Etiquette could hardly call itself proper if it tried to make people spend money they could ill afford.

Parents are obligated to feed, clothe and educate their children until they come of age. It would be nice if they also civilized them, teaching them consideration of others. But at no time are they obligated to give them parties. Even birthday parties for young children and first weddings, however charming, are discretionary.

Miss Manners would like to believe that what your daughter meant was that she would like your expert advice. But if not, you might volunteer the excellent advice -- just the sort that parents ought to teach -- that one should live within one's budget.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it OK to ask guests attending a college graduation to pay for their own dinner afterward? The dinner will be at a restaurant, and we have estimated the cost for 14 people to be $1,000 excluding gratuity.

GENTLE READER: Do you understand that these people could in no way be considered your guests? And will you please make that clear to them beforehand? Miss Manners has heard too many laments from people who thought they were invited out, only to be handed a bill.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A rather despicable married friend has been estranged from her husband for years, yet they maintain a home together. She has had several love interests in the past few years. I suspect I've been used as her "beard" for some of her escapades.

I don't really wish for her to be at our wedding, but nonetheless must invite her. I despise her husband and he feels the same of me. Is it permissible to simply invite her? I know her husband will not attend, and I fear if I address the invitation to Mr. and Mrs. it will encourage her to bring a guest.

If I've painted a portrait of a woman who lives beyond the conventions of etiquette, I have painted well, so please don't say she'll have sense enough not bring a guest other than her husband. She will not, and I can't abide the thought of a married woman bringing a date to our wedding.

GENTLE READER: Are you seriously sticking Miss Manners with the premise that this person is your friend and you must invite her?

All right, but then she also accepts your premise that your friend is beyond the conventions of etiquette. In that case, if she wants to bring a guest, she will bring one, regardless of what you put on the invitation.

So you might as well do the correct thing and invite the couple as a couple. If a couple maintains a home together, etiquette does not investigate whether they are getting along.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my husband and I are invited to the home of new friends for a meal, the first thing that happens is that we're offered a tour of the hosts' house, from top to bottom. Obviously we are expected to admire their views, their choice of furnishings, their craft projects and so on. What do you think of this practice?

GENTLE READER: That such people should offer their houses to be on a local house tour, such as are given as charity fundraisers in the spring. If accepted for such use, the owners will be able to garner widespread admiration and/or criticism. If not accepted, Miss Manners hopes that they may come to realize that gaping at their possessions is not all that entertaining.

We are supposed to believe that the reason for socializing is to enjoy the company of others, not to admire -- really meaning to appraise -- their possessions.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like to know the proper etiquette for giving mother's rings. More specifically, is it proper to place the birthstone of a son who committed suicide in the ring? Wouldn't it be rude not to include it? Also, it is customary to present the ring as a gift for Mother's Day, but is that etched in stone or may it be given at any time?

I am desperate for the answer; the trials and tribulations that our family have endured this past year have produced a perfect time to honor my mother-in-law for all her strength and enthusiasm.

GENTLE READER: There is no specific rule about such rings, but there is one about recognizing a mother's children. Miss Manners assures you that your mother-in-law has not forgotten her son who committed suicide, and however painful her memories, it would be more painful to think that you have forgotten him, or worse, that you believe that she has.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)