DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it the shape of the sleeves or the fluffiness of the skirt that separates a wedding dress from a princess's or a debutante's?

GENTLE READER: Sleeves? You have seen sleeves on wedding or debutante dresses in the last decade?

Since white strapless dresses became the standard for both debutantes and brides, Miss Manners fails to see any difference between them. Or much charm, for that matter. She at least hopes that young ladies who participate in both rituals do not expect their parents to spring for two such costumes.

A debutante is probably attending a ball (as opposed to the tasteful "small dance" of yesteryear), and so a ball dress is fitting. However, some modesty was expected of an innocent young lady on her first appearance in adult society. Ha.

Proper bridal dresses may be fluffy or not, above and below, but they are supposed to be somewhat subdued as a show of respect for the seriousness of the occasion and, when the ceremony is religious, for a house of worship. Unless they are at least temporarily covered, dresses that start at the top (one hopes) of the bosom make it clear that it is the party, not the ceremony, that the bride considers the most important part of the occasion.

Besides, they make her look naked in those head shots of the couple.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After several months of being confined to hospitals and rehab facilities, I'm confused about proper behavior of patients when there are two strangers living together.

How to keep some sense of privacy? Guests, medical procedures, sleep interruptions can be stressful during an illness.

GENTLE READER: Yes, and you should be entitled to sick leave from etiquette, but unfortunately it doesn't work that way. If it did, your roommate would also be free to drive you crazy. Miss Manners imagines that you probably already have a good idea of what that can be like.

The situation requires what might be called compassionate inattentiveness. That means that while you should be alert to any emergency affecting your roommate, you should be oblivious to all conversation, medical or social, that is not directed to you. Any information you overhear should be considered unheard, to the extent of your showing signs of having heard it for the first time if your roommate chooses to repeat it to you later.

As for conversation that is over-directed to you, your own illness can be cited to protect you from unwanted chatter: "I'm so sorry, but I need to rest now."

If the sleep interruptions are from avoidable noise, such as television or telephone calls, you should negotiate politely with your roommate about the proper hours -- preferably in the presence of a hospital authority, such as a nurse, to whom you can, if necessary, confidentially report violations.

Unfortunately, this does not help you with inadvertent noises, such as groans and snoring. Nor does it help you with inconsiderate roommates, which is why people who are able to spring for outrageously priced single rooms do so. The most you can do then is to tell your doctor -- out of earshot of your roommate -- that you are suffering from lack of sleep and hope that another accommodation is available.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I wish to climb the social ladder.

Right now, I am a preschool teacher, but I plan on making a complete career change, and would like to already have connections with the "right" people to help ensure my success. I plan on becoming a certified aesthetic laser technician, and then going to a prestigious skin-care school in New York to become a licensed aesthetician.

I do not want to "claw" my way to the top, leaving behind a bloody trail of ruined relationships and drama. Instead, I simply want to make good, meaningful relationships and acquaintances with sincere, decent upper-class people, and hopefully meet someone to marry from this group. In other words, I wish to do it politely, which is why I seek your help.

I do not want or need fame, power or prestige, but I would definitely not complain about living in a Fifth Avenue penthouse with a loving husband, beautiful children and an exciting career. Joining the Junior League seems to be a great idea; I also volunteer at galas, and will be volunteering at a city hospital soon.

What else should I be doing, or is this all a bad idea?

GENTLE READER: A bad idea? It is an etiquetteer's nightmare.

Here we try to encourage such civilized behavior as compassion, respect and consideration for others, and we get socked with a reputation for teaching how to cozy up to the rich.

Partly this is the fault of advice offered during the 19th-century Industrial Revolution to those whose fortunes had improved dramatically. Different subgroups of society have different surface ways of doing things, and the etiquette books of the time offered instruction on the habits of people they were now likely to encounter. Whether you are entering a new tax bracket or a new junior high school, it is helpful to know the expected behavior.

But somehow that got translated into such foolish ideas as that etiquette leads to riches, and that the rich are well-behaved. Well, some of them are and some of them are not, just as at all other income levels.

Your method of classifying people is not the one Miss Manners uses. When you speak of the "right" people, you obviously mean rich people, and your definition of the "upper class" is those in the upper financial brackets.

So there is one finely tuned sense characteristic of the rich of which you should be aware. That is the ability to sniff out those who are after their money. So many are that they need to protect themselves.

Society is fortunate that hordes of social climbers strive through philanthropy. If not for the hope of whatever they consider upward mobility, there would be far less charity. However, this is done at the committee and board level by people who already have money but are nevertheless in pursuit of those who have had money longer. This lets you out.

As for the galas, rich gentlemen do not attend them in search of eligible ladies. They attend them because their wives are on the committee and have put together tables where they can socialize with their own friends.

The long and short of it is that Miss Manners cannot get you a Fifth Avenue penthouse. And she is afraid that she would have no interest in doing so if she could.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I call my boyfriend and he has company, he doesn't pick up my call. He thinks it is rude to his guests.

I believe it is rude to me not to answer my call, and that he should pick up and explain that he has company and can call later. Who is correct?

GENTLE READER: Well, let's see. On one side we have a host who is paying proper attention to his guests. On the other, someone who wants to interrupt him and make him tell her what she would already know from the unanswered call -- that he is otherwise occupied.

Please allow Miss Manners to introduce you to the wonders of technology, which provide various ways that you can register your call without disturbing the gentleman. You can leave him a message on his telephone, although you don't even need to do so, because the telephone records the fact that you have called. You can text or email him.

She only hopes that the content of your message is not, "Why are you paying attention to other people, and not to me?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Through work, I've been invited to a reception at a German embassy (not in D.C.). On the invitation it says "to remind."

I know how to handle "RSVP" and "Regrets only," but I've never before encountered "to remind." If I didn't know the context, I would have assumed that this would be some kind of reversed "save the date," i.e., a reminder that I've previously been invited to the function and responded that I'll be attending. But there hasn't been any previous communication between the embassy and me.

I asked a British friend who usually knows about these things, but he didn't know either. He assumed the Germans had made it up themselves, or that it might be a direct translation of some German phrase. I'd be very grateful if Miss Manners could solve the mystery.

GENTLE READER: Easy. Your hosts forgot to send you the original invitation, or it got lost in the mail, or you threw it out with the junk mail.

As Miss Manners recalls, forgetfulness is an international problem, which is why the formal reminder card exists, even in Great Britain. Normally, it does not require a response, because you will have already responded to the invitation itself; it just requires showing up. In this case, however, your hosts need a reminder. So it would be prudent to call to ask tactfully whether you are on the guest list as having accepted.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When giving a birthday party, and/or a retirement party, is it proper for the host to dictate the color of dress the ladies must wear? If a senior cannot afford a new dress, is it permissible or rude to attend wearing another color?

GENTLE READER: Such hosts seem to be confusing the guests with the centerpieces.

Unless they are giving full-fledged costume parties, thus warning away those who do not want to participate, hosts can set only the degree of formality. To ask guests to obey a color theme for a birthday or retirement party is ridiculous.

But given the stipulation, a polite guest would inquire whether her presence was wanted when obedience to the code is impossible. No explanations or apologies on her part are necessary.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)