DEAR MISS MANNERS: I don't know how to word this so you won't think it's untrue, although I know that at this point, you've heard everything.

My son was killed a little over five years ago in a street-racing collision. He was in no way at fault; my two oldest sons were traveling home and were hit head-on a little after 9 in the evening.

Life has been incredibly difficult ever since; I miss him with all my heart. He was the most amazing son -- he'd just graduated magna cum laude with a degree in philosophy and was going into the field of missions.

There were so many flowers at his funeral service that as I was writing thank-you notes, I could not figure out from the name who one of the arrangements was from. A month later, the driver who killed my son was arrested; that was when I learned his name, and that is when I learned who had sent the flowers. (His mother, I'm sure, had placed his name on them.)

Have you ever heard of such a thing? How can you kill someone and send flowers to their funeral, thinking that would make up for it? It absolutely compounded the pain, which some people seem prone to do.

GENTLE READER: Please understand that it is with the deepest sympathy that Miss Manners feels obliged to remind you that it is not those flowers that cause the terrible pain that you suffer.

Nor is it useful to think of that gesture as having been intended to "make up for" the horror of your loss. Most likely, the flowers were sent out of guilt or shame.

And while learning his name was a reminder, it was at least in the context of his being held accountable for criminal behavior.

Miss Manners suspects that the reason you are still thinking of those flowers, five years later, is that you wrote conventional thanks for them at the time, figuring it was a well-wisher whom you didn't know, only to have this seem to you, in retrospect, as if it constituted forgiveness. She can assure you that anyone who was able to feel guilt or shame -- and you may be right that it was the mother -- is not going to consider that absolved by a mere acknowledgment of the flowers. She recommends leaving the killer to his own deserved suffering.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother told me not to eat out of the saucepan after cooking my oatmeal. I find it easier and not necessary to waste another dish.

GENTLE READER: You seem to be interested in efficiency. Miss Manners therefore wonders why you have not discovered how consuming of time and energy it is to keep annoying your mother, as opposed to how much it takes to wash a dish.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have new furniture. I'm having a large buffet party, and I don't want people in the new living room. How do I keep food out of my living room?

GENTLE READER: A velvet rope across the door? A mean-looking bouncer?

Unless you have provided comfortable seating elsewhere, preferably with somewhere to park the plates, Miss Manners fails to see how you can expect your guests to realize that they will not be trusted in your living room.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am aware that while dining in restaurants, it is traditional for a gentleman to give the waiter both his own order and the order of any ladies he is eating with. What is the proper protocol for responding to unexpected follow-up questions from the waiter, such as, "How would you like that done?" or, "I'm sorry, but we're out of that item; is there something else you would like instead?"

Should the lady answer those questions directly to the waiter, or should she have her male partner relay the information, even when the waiter is present?

GENTLE READER: It depends on how crazy you want to drive the waiter.

Many are young enough to be unacquainted with this custom and will be rattled by it, fearing that the lady will be insulted that the gentleman is speaking for her, and that food is about to fly.

But, as you have discovered, even those few who do know about it will rarely keep it up by directing all questions to the gentleman. In theory, the waiter should ask him, for example, "How would madam like that done?" whereupon the lady would respond to the gentleman, "Rare to the point of bleeding," and he would relay this to the waiter.

Miss Manners admits that this bit of theater is difficult to carry off with a straight face, and that hardly anyone finds it amusing to try. So perhaps it is just as well to spare the waiter by switching to direct answers.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it impolite to call people by their last names in the United States?

GENTLE READER: Apparently. It implies that they are grown-ups.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an experienced nanny of many years. Recently I have had jobs where family members hit each other. Sometimes it is the children slapping the mother's face; sometimes it is the children bruising each other; and sadly, most recently, twin 7-year-old girls I work for began hitting me.

I don't know what has changed, as in all my years, the No. 1 rule all parents seemed to agree on was No Hitting.

In any case, I wonder if you would help me come up with a way to address this during the initial interview. I feel uncomfortable just saying, "Is hitting OK in your house?" I'm fairly sure they would say it isn't. One explained she is a "tiger mom," but then smiled as her child slapped her. How does one evaluate this politely?

GENTLE READER: You got a pretty good idea in the interview you describe, and Miss Manners trusts that you then informed the slapped tiger than you would not be a good fit in her household.

Without such a dramatic demonstration, you are unlikely to extract the proof you want by quizzing the prospective employer. As you notice, no one admits to approving violence.

But you can state your non-negotiable policy: that you do not tolerate hitting of any kind, whether between children and grown-ups or among children. You should then explain how you deal with children who disobey this rule, and say that you expect parents who hire you to support you if it happens.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Would you please give me one or two examples of what would be considered an acceptable gift to present to someone I enjoy spending time with and am seeing on a regular basis?

I regret to inform you that I gave her a bracelet for Valentine's Day. Although she said she liked it -- and as far as I know, still likes me -- I understand that respectable ladies do not accept jewelry from their gentlemen admirers.

GENTLE READER: So -- do you still like her? Did you get the answer you wanted to the question of whether this lady is respectable?

Miss Manners confesses to hoping that you did not offer the bracelet as a test, but found out only later that accepting it was questionable. Furthermore, she would like to believe that the lady was equally unaware, or perhaps embarrassed to refuse, for fear of your taking that as an insult.

Yet despite this uncharacteristic burst of tolerance, Miss Manners is not prepared to remove that rule from the books. She will, however, broaden it from merely barring ladies from accepting jewels, clothing or anything of substance, because "favors" (and we all know what that means) might be expected in return.

The refurbished rule, now that couples form and disband frequently, should be that neither person in a courtship should accept valuable presents before there is a formal commitment. The era when ladies flung back any token associated with a failed romance seems to be over. Squabbling, and even suing to take back things of value, is more common and uglier than ever.

The classic Valentine's Day presents are roses and/or chocolates, and, to up the ante, books of love poetry. Not knowing this particular lady, Miss Manners cannot suggest other suitable presents, but only caution that they should be items that would not be in dispute should you part.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For Valentine's Day, my husband had flowers sent to the place I work. The roses were obviously thrown into a so-so vase quickly without taking care or time to arrange them, probably due to the overwhelming amount of business (read: opportunity to gouge customers) on such a holiday.

When I got the credit card bill, I was shocked at the price. It had nearly doubled from the cost of last year's roses, which were beautifully arranged. I would like to check with the florist to see if there was a mistake. I really don't think there was. But I would like to not do business with these people again, and I don't know how to tell my husband without making him feel that I don't appreciate his thoughtfulness.

How does one question the monetary value of a gift without offending the giver?

GENTLE READER: Which giver? Your husband provided the sentiment; the florist provided the flowers. Miss Manners suggests you complain to the party whose contribution you found objectionable.

A reputable florist will apologize with more flowers, thus increasing your husband's reputation at the office. If the response is unsatisfactory, you can mention to your husband -- next January -- that you have found a new florist you like.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)