DEAR MISS MANNERS: After the start of each new year, I look over the holiday cards we have just received. Every once in a while I notice that someone has not, for the second year in a row, returned our Christmas greeting, and I come to the realization that we have obviously been removed from their card list. I graciously accept (is there another alternative?) this fact and allow the yearly card swap to cease.

But this year I was confronted with a brand-new scenario. Two families with whom we exchange Christmas greetings did not send us Christmas cards. Instead, a full week after New Year's Day, they each sent a "Happy New Year" card. I am quite positive it is not because they do not celebrate Christmas.

I am not terribly surprised that they would choose not to exchange cards. There are some people, like these two families, who we do not see during the course of the year, and I can understand if they see no reason to continue any kind of communication. Despite that our respective lives have taken us in different directions, I still enjoy sending out a greeting once a year. But I respect that others may not share my feelings, and that my card may become a bother and a burden rather than being seen as a friendly greeting.

So, is this the new etiquette rule -- if you don't get a Christmas card, but get a New Year's card instead, it means you weren't on their Christmas card list to begin with, and they are trying to tell you (hint, hint) to stop sending unwanted cards?

GENTLE READER: For someone so heavily invested in an act of friendship, you have a rather unfriendly attitude. Why does it matter whether your friends greet you on one holiday or week than another?

Oh, yes, you explained. They only appear to be greeting you. Actually, they were caught trying to get rid of you.

Well, maybe not. Maybe they decided that the New Year, rather than a religious holiday, was a more suitable time to greet their friends. Maybe they were just late getting out cards. Maybe they had lost your address until your card arrived.

Another Gentle Reader wrote Miss Manners: "Our family has found the tradition of a twelve-day Christmas can solve many holiday problems. Sitting down with a cup of tea or eggnog a day or two after the event to write thanks and catch up with friends in a newsy letter can be very relaxing after the pre-Christmas bustle.

"Writing a greeting for the New Year can solve the problem of friends and colleagues who do not celebrate Christmas. Inviting family who can't arrange for a Christmas Day visit to have another holiday meal (perhaps serving three French hens) is wonderful. And finish with an evening at the theater with friends whose schedule is too busy for you to get together sooner. (Mr. Shakespeare wrote a lovely play for just this occasion: 'Twelfth Night.')"

Miss Manners hopes these people are not on your list of people to ignore next year.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attended an exclusive dinner that was clearly identified on the highly sought-after invitation as "white tie." Although the men in attendance were all clad according to the formality requirements -- white tie and tails, not tuxes -- several women actually arrived in short cocktail dresses, and one was even in a short cocktail-type suit.

I won't even talk about the women who wore dress pants! To make matters worse, some of the women members of the organization hosting the dinner were among those in short cocktail dresses.

Although the organization threatens to turn improperly dressed men away at the door, there has been no such threat for women offenders. But I have to wonder, is their fashion faux pas not as bad? Am I hopelessly mired in the past to believe that "white tie" remains the most formal of the formal events and, as such, demands long dresses, not short -- and certainly not pants -- for women?

GENTLE READER: You do have a point, even one with which Miss Manners agrees. But you would be wise not to press it.

Since the 19th century, it has been thought that the proper sartorial division between the genders is that the gentlemen should be dressed conventionally, distinguished only by the perfection of their tailoring, while ladies should indulge in fanciful variety.

You don't need Miss Manners to tell you that there have been revolts in both ranks. There are gentlemen who insist on dolling up their evening clothes with strange vests, perky ties, peeking non-handkerchiefs and such. And ladies who seek a standard evening uniform of little black dresses or trousers.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I told my pregnant daughter-in-law that she looked good but tired. She took offense to this by saying that wasn't a compliment. I was just stating what I thought was a fact. Was it rude of me?

GENTLE READER: It is certainly tiresome. Miss Manners is as puzzled as your daughter-in-law why many people seem to think that this is a helpful remark.

To make it so, please amend it to, "You must be tired -- tell me what I can do for you so that you have time to take a rest."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were married two years ago June, and I have yet to send out thank-you cards. The truth is, I have been very preoccupied with now two children and a husband in grad school, not to mention several address moves. I lie awake at night feeling terrible. What should I do? I just feel like it's way too late now. Help!

GENTLE READER: As you are up anyway, why don't you spend the time writing those letters?

Miss Manners hopes you are not up waiting for her to tell you never mind, it's too late anyway, so there's no use feeling bad.

Yes, it is disgracefully late, which is why you are right to feel terrible. The only remedy is to write now, saying, in specific detail, how much you continue to enjoy those wonderful presents. And please leave out the part about being so preoccupied. Your benefactors are busy, too, but they found the time to try to please you.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it impolite to whisper at the dinner table?

GENTLE READER: Yes, but Miss Manners admits that there are exceptions. You are allowed to whisper, "I think there might be some food caught on your teeth" or, "If you don't stop putting your hand on my knee I'm going to stab you with my fork."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I like to give gifts that have meaning to me with the receiver in mind. What should be the purpose behind the type of gift that is given?

For example, this Christmas I mailed religious gifts to family and did not receive one thank-you, but did receive raves for the doghouse I built for my neighbor's dog, aside from my neighbor.

What should be the motivation in choosing a gift? Need or want? Sharing an interest?

GENTLE READER: Building that doghouse was a spectacular present, and Miss Manners doesn't wonder that it attracted admiration beyond that of the recipient. She trusts that the dog has been licking your hand in gratitude.

But unless your relatives are simply too rude to acknowledge presents, something must have gone wrong. With religious items, that can easily happen. Even if you chose presents that you know to be in keeping with their beliefs and practices, the implication can arise that you have something in mind besides just pleasing them -- that you want to change or expand these in some way. It is an extremely sensitive area, and while your relatives were deeply remiss in failing to acknowledge your presents, Miss Manners supposes they were flummoxed about how to do so.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my husband and I went on a cruise, we were seated with several other couples at a large round table for dinner. The others had arrived before we did and, as there was a bread basket on the table, they had chosen their bread plates.

However, some of them had taken the one on the right side of their place setting. My husband was seated on my right and he correctly chose the bread plate to his left, which left me with no bread plate.

How should I have handled this situation? The woman to my left had an unused bread plate to her left, so I asked if I might have that one. This clued her in that she had chosen the wrong one, but it wasn't made into a big deal.

It seems that many people, even well-educated adults, are unaware or forgetful that their bread plate is to the left of their place setting. I didn't want to embarrass anyone by saying, "Your bread plate is the one to your left," but I did want to have some bread and butter with my dinner.

GENTLE READER: But you did get your bread and butter, and the lady to your left does not seem to have died of humiliation. Miss Manners is gratified to know that your effort to acquire a plate unobtrusively triumphed over your impulse to criticize the manners of people who might then be tempted to pitch you overboard.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)