DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it impolite to whisper at the dinner table?

GENTLE READER: Yes, but Miss Manners admits that there are exceptions. You are allowed to whisper, "I think there might be some food caught on your teeth" or, "If you don't stop putting your hand on my knee I'm going to stab you with my fork."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I like to give gifts that have meaning to me with the receiver in mind. What should be the purpose behind the type of gift that is given?

For example, this Christmas I mailed religious gifts to family and did not receive one thank-you, but did receive raves for the doghouse I built for my neighbor's dog, aside from my neighbor.

What should be the motivation in choosing a gift? Need or want? Sharing an interest?

GENTLE READER: Building that doghouse was a spectacular present, and Miss Manners doesn't wonder that it attracted admiration beyond that of the recipient. She trusts that the dog has been licking your hand in gratitude.

But unless your relatives are simply too rude to acknowledge presents, something must have gone wrong. With religious items, that can easily happen. Even if you chose presents that you know to be in keeping with their beliefs and practices, the implication can arise that you have something in mind besides just pleasing them -- that you want to change or expand these in some way. It is an extremely sensitive area, and while your relatives were deeply remiss in failing to acknowledge your presents, Miss Manners supposes they were flummoxed about how to do so.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my husband and I went on a cruise, we were seated with several other couples at a large round table for dinner. The others had arrived before we did and, as there was a bread basket on the table, they had chosen their bread plates.

However, some of them had taken the one on the right side of their place setting. My husband was seated on my right and he correctly chose the bread plate to his left, which left me with no bread plate.

How should I have handled this situation? The woman to my left had an unused bread plate to her left, so I asked if I might have that one. This clued her in that she had chosen the wrong one, but it wasn't made into a big deal.

It seems that many people, even well-educated adults, are unaware or forgetful that their bread plate is to the left of their place setting. I didn't want to embarrass anyone by saying, "Your bread plate is the one to your left," but I did want to have some bread and butter with my dinner.

GENTLE READER: But you did get your bread and butter, and the lady to your left does not seem to have died of humiliation. Miss Manners is gratified to know that your effort to acquire a plate unobtrusively triumphed over your impulse to criticize the manners of people who might then be tempted to pitch you overboard.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'd like to get your opinion on children's preprinted thank-you notes. I've seen a few where the body is printed out, but the child is required to fill in only the names of the giver, the gift andhis or her name.

I think this is a good way to initiate my 3- and 5-year-olds to the etiquette of expressing gratitude for a gift, but my mother thinks they are impersonal and insulting, since they are not handwritten (by either me or the child).

I feel they are an appropriate way to teach children who are capable only of writing their names properly to thank someone who has been kind enough to give them a gift, and feel it is more personal than my writing a note and the child signing it, as it is obvious the effort has not been made entirely by them. What is your opinion?

GENTLE READER: That you are teaching your children to send thank-you letters is admirable. But why are you not teaching them how to compose them?

"Because they can't write," you respond, politely refraining (Miss Manners hopes) from adding, "Duh."

True. You may have to do the actual writing. But you can teach them to do the thinking. Form letters are not cute, even from toddlers.

You should be questioning the children to extract the essentials of a letter of thanks: a specific, favorable reaction to the present; an expression of gratitude; and a bit of chattiness to establish the idea that it is not just the present that is valued, but the relationship.

This is not going to be easy. Any expressions of delight when opening the package should be noted, but those are not apt to be especially articulate. So the process goes something like this:

Parent: "What can we tell Aunt Tilda about how much you like the sweater?"

Child: "I wanted a fire truck."

Parent: "I know. But it's your favorite color. Isn't purple your favorite color?"

Child: "Maybe."

Parent: "What can you tell your aunt about what you've been doing?"

Child: "Nothing special."

Parent: "Sure you did. We went to the museum, remember? What did we see?"

Child: "The food court."

Parent: "Yes, but what else? Remember the dinosaurs? What were they like?"

Eventually, you can put together something that the child vaguely recognizes as his. And -- even more eventually -- it will teach him how to write a letter of thanks.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please settle a good-natured bet between my husband and me. If I have acquaintances who have put their house up for sale, is it rude to ask them their asking price if we all know I have no interest in buying it?

Nor do I have any intention of buying or selling a house at all. Really, I just want to know out of curiosity. For the record, I think it's rude, akin to asking someone their salary. My husband, on the other hand, says it's fine.

GENTLE READER: Asking out of mere curiosity would indeed be rude. You need a better reason.

Fortunately, Miss Manners can supply you with one (in case you can't figure out how to look for the listing online). You can pose as being helpful by saying, "In case I know anyone who might be interested in buying your house, how much are you asking?"

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I received a good bottle of red wine from friends as a thank-you for a favor we did for their family. We brought that bottle of wine with us to my sister's house for Christmas dinner.

My brother-in-law made prime rib for dinner. We asked him to serve the bottle with dinner. He chose not to and explained that his bottle of wine went better with the meal.

We felt slighted since we really wanted to try the wine. After the meal was over and we were all still at the table, again we asked him to open it. He declined with another excuse.

Here we are, days later, and they kept the bottle of wine. Should we ask for it back? I know my friends will ask us how we enjoyed the wine, and I don't know how to tell them that we didn't and admit that we no longer have it.

GENTLE READER: That one bottle of wine certainly had a lot of strings attached to it.

Some friends gave it to you, but are expected to demand a report back on it.

You then gave it away, with the unmet demand that it be substituted for the wine your hosts had chosen to complement the dinner they had planned. Now you feel you should tug on a string to bring back the bottle that, for all you know, may have been given to your friends by others who required a report, which they were planning to base on your assessment.

Miss Manners begs you to let go. You gave it away. There was no obligation on the part of the people to whom you gave it either to pour it down your throat or to return it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've asked my adult niece to call me "Aunt (my nickname)." All my other adult nieces and nephews address me like that, but this niece has said she's not sure she can honor my request because she says I am trying to control the way she communicates with me and show she is subservient to me.

Ironically, when she was about 10 years old she asked family members to stop calling her by her nickname and address her by her given first name. I have complied since day one to her name request, because I feel strongly that one should address people as they prefer to be addressed.

Am I asking too much for her to return the favor or, for that matter, to be addressed as I like to be addressed? She would like to call me only by my nickname, which disappoints me. I could call her by her nickname, but I don't think two wrongs make a right.

GENTLE READER: Your niece is being what we used to call impertinent. Actually, Miss Manners still considers -- and calls -- it that when a young lady claims to feel degraded when expected to show respect for her aunt, who is probably also her elder, and asking merely for the same courtesy she accorded the niece.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)