DEAR MISS MANNERS: In one of the variants of the tiresome "Secret Santa" office gift-giving games, wherein each person ends up with an anonymous gift, I found myself holding a gift card for a well-known store specializing in risque lingerie.

As a middle-aged man in a monogamous relationship with another man, I found this, well, perfectly useless. I discreetly re-donated it to a young lady in the office whom I happened to know would be happy to use it.

Sure enough, this became generally known in the office gossip pool, and my motivations and reasons for donating it became the subject of unflattering and derisive speculation.

What should I have done? Just thrown the thing in the trash (discreetly, of course)? And what about the etiquette of selecting such a "gift" in the first place?

GENTLE READER: What about the whole silly idea? Does someone in your workplace really believe that it encourages camaraderie to play childish games that can so easily misfire?

This instance sounds close enough to harassment to be shown to management as an example of why Secret Santa does not belong in the office.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Every year for the past 15 to 20 years, I've had three different folks constantly sending me Christmas cards with their family photos or their children on the cover.

I am sick and tired of receiving these. I never respond to them, but they still keep sending them. If a person does not send a card back, isn't the polite thing to do to cease from continuing to send these cards? I haven't seen or spoken to these people either (all this time!).

I think they're rude and just harassing me. What should I do? Please reply. I just can't tolerate it anymore! Thanks a million!

GENTLE READER: And thank you for putting into perspective what can make life intolerable. This being the time of year to focus on those less fortunate than oneself, Miss Manners trusts that you are commiserating with those who receive even more pictures of happy families.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I don't see my sister-in-law on Christmas Eve or Christmas, so I give her the gift between the 19th and 23rd of December, but she doesn't open it till Christmas.

I thought she should open the gift when given -- so I can see the expression on her face when she opens it. Am I wrong?

GENTLE READER: Waiting until Christmas (or Christmas Eve) to open presents is a lesson widely taught to children. It fosters the excitement of anticipation, creates a ceremony out of opening them, and, yes, enables the parents to see their faces light up.

But that can be counted upon only if the parents have also taught the children how to react to presents. The natural reaction, even to something that does cause delight, is to become engrossed in it, ignoring the donor.

Presumably your sister-in-law still enjoys the anticipation and ceremony, and Miss Manners has no quarrel with that. It is also possible that she is not good at facially projecting appreciation -- or if, for example, she already has whatever it is that you are giving her, disappointment. You should be satisfied -- gratified -- to receive her gratitude by mail.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Why, in the traditional table settings, do knife edges face toward the plate when it seems more convenient to have them facing out?

GENTLE READER: Convenient for doing what?

Miss Manners hasn't forgotten the dinner table danger of which Cardinal Richelieu warned us (in 1669, but she has a long memory): That conversation can become volatile, and the diners are all armed with knives. He took the precaution of ordering the pointed tips to be blunted, but even those would not pass through airport security today.

Knives are correctly set so that a leftward flick of the right hand positions it to cut what is on the plate. What else were you planning to do with your knife?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in a pinch right now -- my male cousin will be marrying a woman within the next week. I do not like this woman at all and so am not attending the wedding, partially because this family of mine is in El Salvador, while my family and I are in Canada.

However, I would like to send a gift, as I love my cousin and his mother very much. In this action I would still prefer to favor the groom to show my disapproval without being rude. What can I buy for their wedding gift?

GENTLE READER: Are you seriously asking Miss Manners to suggest an insulting wedding present? Or are you thinking that your cousin wouldn't notice that you sent something for him alone -- and that his bride would be miffed, but yet not point it out to him? And that the family wouldn't hear about it -- in two countries? And that ...

All right, Miss Manners is getting carried away. It probably wouldn't burgeon into an international scandal. Possibly they wouldn't particularly care.

But it's still not nice. You needn't send them a wedding present at all, but at least wish them well -- both of them, if you hope to remain on good terms with your cousin.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My workplace has closed and in two weeks will reopen. I'll run into dozens of people who will ask, "How were your holidays?"

Over the past month, three people I love have died in separate events, and another family member is gravely ill. Assuming that I can refrain from crying at the question, how do I answer? "Fine" is not possible; "You don't want to know" just invites more questions.

Is there a friendly way to say "Please don't ask" to a casual questioner? I can't possibly explain the circumstances over and over without dissolving, and yet pretending that nothing unusual has happened is also beyond me.

GENTLE READER: It is strange, now that you draw it to Miss Manners' attention, that "Don't ask" inevitably provokes the reply, "Why -- what happened?"

You should therefore practice a vague, low-key answer, such as, "Not great, family illness and such." Oddly enough, this is less likely to produce an inquiry, especially as you should head one off by immediately following this with, "How was yours?"

However, it will suggest to others that the proper mode will be complaining, rather than bragging. Listening to whatever they can muster in the way of woes -- dinner was overcooked, someone brought a toddler with sniffles who is bound to have infected everyone -- will be the price of your privacy.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm looking for the most important advice of my life. My fiance insists on having his ex-wife attend our wedding ceremony and banquet. He even insists on paying for her hotel and seating her among family members.

I feel very uncomfortable by the thought of her presence in my wedding and tried to explain to him my feelings. He says that since his two daughters (6 and 4 years old) are part of our court, and since we will be leaving on our honeymoon trip, the mother should be there to take care of the girls.

This does not convince me, since the girls have spent vacations with my in-laws-to-be often, without the mother's presence. I had come to the point of accepting her bringing the girls to the city (they have traveled under airplane care before), and even agreed on paying her hotel room so she can get the girls after the wedding.

But he insists on including her in the wedding. We agreed on listening to your advice before we call the whole thing off.

GENTLE READER: Generally when a bride refers to a wedding detail as being of crucial importance, Miss Manners smiles indulgently. But in this case, she believes you are right. If you cannot accept the idea that the mother of your fiance's children will be part of your life, call off the wedding.

This is not to say that Miss Manners supports the idea of former spouses attending subsequent weddings. It must be hard on the ex-spouse to hear those same supposedly permanent vows being repeated, although in some cases, perhaps the difficulty may be to stifle bitter laughter.

But in this case, both former spouses have decided, presumably for the sake of those small children, to keep being part of the extended family. That does not make the former wife your rival, but you should recognize that in any case, she is someone with whom you would be expected to maintain a cordial relationship.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper to date someone who is separated but not yet divorced?

GENTLE READER: No. However, Miss Manners can tell you that it is not improper for friends of whatever combination of genders to see each other socially.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a very favorite ring that was a gift from my husband early in our marriage. Due to arthritis in my fingers, I can no longer wear the ring and the setting does not allow sizing.

I would like to give it as a Christmas gift to my daughter-in-law (whom I adore) of seven years and am wondering if it would be "tacky" if my note indicated that I wanted her to have it now, and then the ring to be passed on to her daughter (now only 5 months old) when she reaches 21.

GENTLE READER: This is, indeed, a lovely present, but Miss Manners would like to loosen the string attached to it, just a bit. It would be more gracious to say that you hope that someday she would pass it on to her daughter.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)