DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have both a son and daughter planning weddings within the next 2 1/2 years. They and my future son- and daughter-in-law are worrying and wondering about how to settle on a list of guests that includes as many family members as possible, but doesn't make the cost impossible.

They aren't looking for anything extravagant, but neither side of the family has any money to speak of; income-wise we are probably considered lower middle class, so it's going to take a big effort on everyone's part to pull off two modest weddings.

My husband and I both have exceptionally large families -- I have five siblings and he has nine. Obviously that makes for a huge number of aunts and uncles and cousins. Some live in the immediate area, and we get together often, but even most of the out-of-towners stay connected and get together often for holidays, graduations and weddings.

There is a strong sense of tradition in our families, and many of the cousins have found ways to invite the entire extended family to weddings. There are a few cousins, including those who have grown up a long distance away, or were from earlier marriages, who have not remained as close, but are sometimes included in special occasions.

It has become a question of stress and concern, and we would love your guidance. Several possible solutions have been discussed, but none seem ideal. Obviously, we could lower the cost of the reception and invite every single cousin, but based on the budgets we're looking at, that would mean having hot dogs on paper plates. There is the idea of inviting only cousins who have been part of the smaller events and have been close over the years, but it's hard to figure out where to draw that line.

Another thought was to invite each aunt and uncle "and family," and trust that RSVPs will come in time to get a good head count, but that leaves open the possibility of more than we can handle.

Can you please tell us a way to include everyone we should, still allowing for an event a little more formal than a cookout? My kids and their spouses-to-be are caring, earnest people who each want to have a lovely, memorable reception without hurting anyone's feelings.

GENTLE READER: Your family's priorities are exactly the opposite of those held by most people who are planning weddings. It is now widely believed that one should first decide on the desired place, the food, the music and such, and then figure out from the cost how many people to invite.

Because you understand that is upside-down planning, and that the guests are more important than the expensive trappings, Miss Manners is especially delighted to inform you that your children may have weddings that are not only formal, but more charmingly so than the standard weddings of today.

A vast wedding industry has convinced people that a proper wedding consists of a multicourse dinner and dancing through the night, in addition to auxiliary events for days before and after. It is wildly expensive, and many have gone into serious debt to stage it.

But ostentation does not produce elegance. Traditionally, the weddings of those who could afford anything were held in the daytime, followed by a tea. As this needn't require more than tea sandwiches, cake and champagne or punch, you will be able to invite everyone.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to ask the parent of the child who had an overnight party why your son/daughter was not invited?

GENTLE READER: What response do you hope to obtain?

A weak excuse, such as, "Oh, we asked only his very closest friends."

An honest excuse, such as, "The girls say she's kind of a drag."

Or just ruining whatever social life your child may hope to have?

Whether or not you would succeed in wrangling an invitation, you may be sure that the parent you call will talk it over with the child-host, who is not likely to resist letting the other guests know.

Do you really want to have to change schools and move to a different neighborhood to help your child live that down? Miss Manners believes it would be easier on you, as well as on your child, for you to treat it offhandedly, with the explanation that everyone can't be invited to everything.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A relative consistently refers to the fact that she is a "tenured professor of journalism" to justify commenting on spelling, grammar and usage on items posted on social media.

In other posts, this person has lectured on comments made by others with regard to the tribulations of university instruction, pointing out that she knows how to do it better, not only because she is tenured, but also because her university has, according to her, a higher rank. For what it is worth, the university she is employed by is a state university in a rather impoverished area. The state has a low rank for educational achievement.

Beyond the fact that it seems inappropriate, may I say rude, to correct others in a social setting, I would appreciate your comments on the propriety of claiming expert status as a result of having obtained job security. I recognize that having been granted tenure presumes that an individual has complied with standards established at an institution, and that one achieving it may be proud of having done so. However, it seems pretentious at a minimum to constantly refer to it.

GENTLE READER: You and the university have something in common: an inability to terminate the relationship with this annoying person. So Miss Manners suggests that you try not to let her behavior bother you.

But of course "expert status," however acquired, does not entitle anyone to go around being a nuisance. (Miss Manners is wildly insulted when people coyly say they had better watch themselves around her, as if she would ever commit such rudeness.) And compounding it by bragging about tenure only makes one feel sorry for the lady's employer.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the acceptable social response when an immediate family member of the deceased approaches you at a funeral and says, "Thank you for coming"?

Do you leave it simple and say, "You're welcome," or something a little more heartfelt like, "This is where I want to be, supporting you and your family"?

GENTLE READER: But if you make that heartfelt statement, they will have to thank you all over again, and you'll be back with that awkward "You're welcome."

Supporting the bereaved is only part of the reason for attending a funeral. Paying respects to the person who died is the other part, and the family is thanking you for that. Miss Manners recommends that, having offered your condolences, you then reply with a statement of how highly you thought of that person.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a single gay man in my early 60s. Three years ago, my niece came out to the family as a lesbian. One year later, she married her girlfriend. My family has been wonderful, accepting me, my niece and her new wife.

At the time of the girls' marriage, I discreetly asked if they planned on having children, in which case I would like to be the sperm donor. They didn't say much in reply.

A year later, at the annual family Christmas party, they made the announcement that my niece's wife was expecting twins this July. Everyone but me was thrilled by the news. I was hurt that they had never at least talked to me regarding my offer.

Although we three are all gay, we are seldom in touch. I have never been invited to their home, for instance.

When their twin girls were born, I was as thrilled as the extended family. I immediately ordered a beautiful bouquet to be sent to the maternity room.

Meanwhile, I asked my brother, the new grandfather, if he knew I had offered to be the donor. He said, "Yes, I knew, and it creeped out the girls."

I am very upset at the couple. Of course I will treat the babies with great love and affection, but the joy of this event is missing for me. How do I respond to them? I never received acknowledgment of the flowers, and I checked that they had been delivered.

GENTLE READER: Indeed, your niece and niece-in-law should have thanked you for the flowers.

Please forgive Miss Manners for seizing on this easy etiquette problem. It is just that she is weak with relief that the brides did not write her at the time, asking for the polite way to decline an uncle's wedding present of his sperm.

You do not seem to appreciate that this was not comparable to asking whether they would like the family china, to which they could have replied, "That's so dear of you, but we already have as much china as we can use."

The only possible way to introduce this idea would have been if they had brought up the subject of having children, and you had requested permission, as an uncle, to make a personal inquiry. And then, in a seemingly offhand way, you could have asked whether your niece was perpetuating the family genes. Had they then said, "We can't do both sides," you could have responded, "Can I help?"

That way, if they had had any interest, they could have said so. Had they instead laughed nervously, courtesy would have demanded that you rescue them by joining the laughter to pass it off as a joke.

How should you react to them now? Like a proud great-uncle, with no references to the past.

Well, all right, one reference, but only after you have admired the twins without regard to their provenance. Then you can say, "There is one thing I'd like to get back to" -- thus scaring the daylights out of all the adults present. You could then say, "The florist assured me that they delivered the flowers I sent to the maternity ward. Did they?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Who buys the future husband's ring?

GENTLE READER: The person who plans to give it to him.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)