DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a single gay man in my early 60s. Three years ago, my niece came out to the family as a lesbian. One year later, she married her girlfriend. My family has been wonderful, accepting me, my niece and her new wife.

At the time of the girls' marriage, I discreetly asked if they planned on having children, in which case I would like to be the sperm donor. They didn't say much in reply.

A year later, at the annual family Christmas party, they made the announcement that my niece's wife was expecting twins this July. Everyone but me was thrilled by the news. I was hurt that they had never at least talked to me regarding my offer.

Although we three are all gay, we are seldom in touch. I have never been invited to their home, for instance.

When their twin girls were born, I was as thrilled as the extended family. I immediately ordered a beautiful bouquet to be sent to the maternity room.

Meanwhile, I asked my brother, the new grandfather, if he knew I had offered to be the donor. He said, "Yes, I knew, and it creeped out the girls."

I am very upset at the couple. Of course I will treat the babies with great love and affection, but the joy of this event is missing for me. How do I respond to them? I never received acknowledgment of the flowers, and I checked that they had been delivered.

GENTLE READER: Indeed, your niece and niece-in-law should have thanked you for the flowers.

Please forgive Miss Manners for seizing on this easy etiquette problem. It is just that she is weak with relief that the brides did not write her at the time, asking for the polite way to decline an uncle's wedding present of his sperm.

You do not seem to appreciate that this was not comparable to asking whether they would like the family china, to which they could have replied, "That's so dear of you, but we already have as much china as we can use."

The only possible way to introduce this idea would have been if they had brought up the subject of having children, and you had requested permission, as an uncle, to make a personal inquiry. And then, in a seemingly offhand way, you could have asked whether your niece was perpetuating the family genes. Had they then said, "We can't do both sides," you could have responded, "Can I help?"

That way, if they had had any interest, they could have said so. Had they instead laughed nervously, courtesy would have demanded that you rescue them by joining the laughter to pass it off as a joke.

How should you react to them now? Like a proud great-uncle, with no references to the past.

Well, all right, one reference, but only after you have admired the twins without regard to their provenance. Then you can say, "There is one thing I'd like to get back to" -- thus scaring the daylights out of all the adults present. You could then say, "The florist assured me that they delivered the flowers I sent to the maternity ward. Did they?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Who buys the future husband's ring?

GENTLE READER: The person who plans to give it to him.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We moved to a new neighborhood in 2006. The neighbors have had neighborhood parties since we have moved here. Unfortunately, each time they have invited us, we have had other plans and have had to decline.

Last night, there was a neighborhood party given by our neighbors next door. I was hurt that they had not invited us. We were available last night. We would like to be included in these parties and would enjoy the fellowship with our neighbors.

Should I talk to my neighbors about this? What would be the proper next step?

GENTLE READER: Just a minute, please. You have been declining these people's invitations since 2006, and now you are sulking because they finally stopped issuing them? And you think it would help if you sat down with them, and explained all the more important things you've had to do for the last six years?

Miss Manners thinks not. You do not establish fellowship by asking others to entertain you; you do it by asking to entertain them. You should throw a party for all the neighbors, and chatter about how you wished you had done this years ago, but at least now have finally organized your lives.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attended two family weddings recently wherein the bride, groom, their parents and each of their many attendants, in hostage-like fashion, "entertained" the guests, during the receptions, with hours of prepared speeches.

I am not talking short toasts here. I mean real speeches, read from reams of yellow legal paper, about how each had met the bride and groom, how the bride and groom had met, what the bride and groom meant to each speaker, what the speaker meant to the bride and groom, what everyone in the bridal party thought about everyone else in the bridal party, and on and on.

At several points I thought I was observing a therapy session. At one wedding, there was no easy means of temporary escape so my husband and I had to endure. At the other, temporary escape was easy and we embraced it, as did a number of other guests, mostly family members.

Please comment on what I hope is not a disturbing trend: seminars and/or therapy sessions posing as wedding receptions.

GENTLE READER: It is more than a trend, almost a universal standard now, for wedding festivities -- and even the ceremonies themselves -- to be treated as biographical extravaganzas. The It's About Who We Are theme has crowded out the civic and religious meaning of the occasion.

Yet for all the show business mentality that goes into the planning, there is a frequent failure to consider what any competent producer knows is the most important element: interesting the audience. (Wedding guests do not constitute an audience, but that is what their hosts keep calling them.)

Relatives and friends are presumed to be charmed to hear loving words about the bride and bridegroom. And up to a point, they usually are. Even purely professional associates and the casual dates of other guests may be able to enjoy a few minutes of emotional toasts.

Miss Manners is sorry to hear that people are going so much beyond that point. Parties are supposed to be what we now call interactive, allowing the guests to reunite with those they know, meet new people, converse and perhaps dance. The lengthy expressions of love that members of the family and attendants harbor, like that between the bride and bridegroom alone, should be enjoyed privately.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After having lunch with a so-called friend, she proceeded to tell me how negative I was and how it drags her down. I think it was because she didn't like my opinion about the subjects we discussed.

If I am not free to express my opinion, I no longer feel comfortable with her. These were not personal opinions, but were about restaurants, cruises and our local hospital, which I was just in for four days.

Sorry, I can't be a Pollyanna and say everything is great when it is not.

Should I break ties with this person? Before she spoke, she said I would not like what she had to say, and mentioned that another so-called friend felt the same.

I want to retort, as I was totally dumbfounded and speechless. I agreed to being opinionated, but "negative" is her word.

GENTLE READER: Didn't she have anything positive to say about you? You might plead that it drags you down to hear such a negative opinion of yourself.

Miss Manners cannot promise that this will stop the lady short and make her blurt out, "I see what you mean" -- after which you can share a friendly laugh, and you can offer, "How about if I wait until you finish eating before I criticize the restaurant?"

It is unfortunately more likely to lead to more negativeness -- the charge that you cannot accept constructive criticism. But at least that will warn you that your so-called friend's rule is that it is fine to condemn your friends as long as you refrain from criticizing the hospital.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm caught in a pickle. About a week after I graduated high school, I received a graduation card and a little cash from some relatives my family and I see fairly often (my great-aunt and great-uncle). Unfortunately, I was slow in sending a thank-you card and wasn't able to mail it to them until weeks later.

A week ago, I received another graduation card from these same relatives, including more cash than in the previous card and a note saying, "Sorry we forgot to send you a card earlier."

I'm not sure how I should handle this situation. Should I send the card and money back, explaining that this was a mistake? This great-aunt and great-uncle are elderly, and while they are not struggling financially, they are very careful with their money.

GENTLE READER: Your pickle landed splat on the place where etiquette meets ethics.

An etiquette case could be made that it is kinder not to draw the attention of your relatives to their memory lapse. Not so incidentally, this would allow you to pocket this windfall.

However, Miss Manners is not going to make that case. Sorry, but collecting twice from these people, whether or not they can easily afford it, is just wrong.

But let us not abandon the etiquette aspect. You can soften the realization of their mistake by focusing on your own. The letter accompanying your return of the money (the new amount, not the original, smaller one) should begin, "I was so tardy in thanking you for your generous present that you tactfully assumed that I hadn't received it. But ..."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)