DEAR MISS MANNERS: At the end of a date, a young man suggested (repeatedly) that we go back to my house for a drink. (My house was much closer than his.)

Is it unreasonable to say "yes" to such a request and still expect him to go home after an hour or two? He had never been invited to my house before, nor I to his.

Was it rude of me to let him know that he was about to miss the last train? Was it rude of him to invite himself over?

I'm guessing that it would be best never to let him get near my house in the first place. I enjoyed chatting with him over a drink, but it didn't seem worth enduring the awkward moment of kicking him out.

GENTLE READER: General rule: Do not say yes to self-invited guests who only inspire you to wonder how you will get rid of them. (This rule does not apply to close relatives.)

It also seems to Miss Manners that there could be more than a curfew problem if you accepted this reverse-invitation, as she gathers you did not. That he needed to be reminded that his last train home was imminent should have answered any doubt you might have had about his intention to go home at all, let alone early.

The usual way to demur is to say, "I've had a lovely evening, but I'm too tired" or, if you want to conclude the association, simply, "I'm afraid I have a headache."

But the train excuse was ostensibly helpful, so it was not rude. Self-invitations, however, even with the purest of intentions, are questionable. Not taking no for an answer is clearly rude.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Before I had my last baby, I purchased some baby gear from an acquaintance. I wrote her a check for a substantial amount of money. She also gave me some items for free that she felt she could not sell.

Now, a bit over a year later, she contacted me to say she's unexpectedly having another baby and demanded her things back as if she had lent them to me. I'm done with the items and not planning to have more children, so if she had made a polite request, I would have happily given them to her. I have a lot of sympathy for her predicament, but her attitude of entitlement is offensive.

How can I respond to this? We have several mutual friends, and I don't want to create discord in my social circle.

GENTLE READER: Since it has been more than a year, perhaps this lady has forgotten that some of the things were sold to you, not given. Still, in either case, they had become yours, and the lady should have asked for them as a favor.

Miss Manners gathers that you only want to make that point, not to recoup the money. Then you can say, graciously, "Which things do you need back? There were two batches -- one that you sold me (and here you can even name the price) and another batch that you kindly gave me." After pausing to let that sink in, you should add, "Never mind, I'm happy to give you back everything you want."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: It is common for my Facebook contacts to make online announcements about health issues, job losses, ending of relationships and other unhappy news. Yet, whenever I see any of these people in person and I try to quietly, discreetly express my condolences, some of them are clearly annoyed that I am actually acknowledging their troubles.

This reaction confuses me since they did, after all, write a "status" message for many people to see. Is there some rule about online communication -- should condolences and kind words be offered online only, because that is how the news was received?

GENTLE READER: What an interesting phenomenon. It would appear that these people seek posted sympathetic understanding from their entire acquaintance, perhaps including people they have never met, yet reject its being delivered personally by someone they do know.

It could be another example of topsy-turvy thinking, where the real world is less real than the virtual one. That seems so apt that Miss Manners is reluctant to advance somewhat more reasonable explanations, but feels that she must.

This would be about the timing of your commiseration. Apparently you deliver it whenever you happen to run into one of these people, not when the misfortune occurred or you have read the communication. By then, the illness may have been cured, or a new job or romance have started.

Or you may have brought this up on a festive occasion, when someone who has been trying to forget his troubles has to snap back into seriousness, or on a solemn occasion, such as a funeral, when it might call undue attention to lesser misfortune.

If a reaction is warranted -- and Miss Manners does not expect you to post one every time a "contact" has weltschmerz -- it should be done when the news is received. And yes, a less public way than a posting -- a letter, a telephone call, or even an email -- is more dignified, although the recipient might not care.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My best friend from first grade got married for the second time. We are both 43.

She says I abandoned her on her wedding day when I ran errands for 90 minutes before the hair and makeup lady came to her home. She said a bridesmaid is supposed to stay with the bride all day.

She was shaking and crying when I returned because her fiance had left 40 minutes before I returned, and she was completely alone. I had gone to get flowers and cards for her.

Was I wrong? Is it stated somewhere that I was to stay with her 24/7? I flew in from out of town and was staying at her home.

GENTLE READER: What grade are you folks in now?

Your friend apparently still goes by the buddy rule, where children are told to stay in pairs on excursions so they don't get lost. And she has you worried that doing wedding errands for her may have been an act of disloyalty.

Miss Manners would be happy to put this down to bridal jitters and tell you both to laugh about it now. But she can't help thinking that an adult would have said, "Must you go now? I'd rather you waited -- I just don't feel like being alone."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What do you say to a niece who just had a baby? She is 17 years old and unwed.

GENTLE READER: "Congratulations. I'd love to see a picture." And, if you can manage it, "Is there anything I can do to help you?"

If, as Miss Manners suspects, you were thinking of some version of "This is not a good idea," your timing is bad.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I customarily wear a wide-brimmed hat when going out to lunch during the summer. Once I arrive at my luncheon destination, whether it be restaurant, food court or coffee shop, I take off my hat and place it on an extra chair.

I do this because the heat is so oppressive and it's a relief to remove the hat. I don't place it on the table, of course, assuming that it would be bad etiquette, not to mention unhygienic. And I don't place it on the floor, of course. So it gets placed on the other chair at my table.

Well, it seems that hat is a magnet for anyone needing a chair for their own table. They make a beeline for my chair and demand to know if anyone is using it, looking down at the hat. I'm usually so taken by surprise that I give up the chair and end up balancing my hat, precariously and uncomfortably, on my knee.

This happened to me today at a coffee shop. It wasn't until someone had taken the chair away that I noticed the table behind him had a gentleman sitting at it, with an empty chair, equidistant from his table.

I would like to know how to handle this situation, to be prepared next time. My instinct is to, first, not get surprised -- it's happened so many times. I plan to say, "Yes, I am using it." Then I will look around and say, "That gentleman is not using his chair. If you are too shy to ask him for it, shall I do it for you?" And then I'll do it. Pointedly.

Seriously, Miss Manners. I love my hats, and I'm thinking of giving them up if I can't deal with this situation.

GENTLE READER: Nobody loves hats more than Miss Manners, except possibly the Mad Hatter, but even she acknowledges that human beings outrank them. No one should have to stand while a hat -- or a backpack, or a laptop -- is comfortably ensconced.

If there are other seats available, you can certainly point them out -- although politely, rather than, as you suggest, pointedly: "Do you mind seeing if that one over there is free?" If not, yield gracefully.

As for where to park your hat -- on your head. Unlike gentlemen, ladies need not remove their hats indoors. If necessary, you can remove it briefly to wipe your brow.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one acknowledge that a friend has been given six weeks to live, besides visiting and supporting them? What can one say?

GENTLE READER: One can listen. If there is ever a time that one should be allowed to direct the conversation, it is at the end. You will soon understand whether that particular friend wants to reminisce, philosophize, bemoan fate or chat as usual. Miss Manners trusts that you can then work statements of your affection and admiration into any conversation.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)