DEAR MISS MANNERS: What do you say to a niece who just had a baby? She is 17 years old and unwed.

GENTLE READER: "Congratulations. I'd love to see a picture." And, if you can manage it, "Is there anything I can do to help you?"

If, as Miss Manners suspects, you were thinking of some version of "This is not a good idea," your timing is bad.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I customarily wear a wide-brimmed hat when going out to lunch during the summer. Once I arrive at my luncheon destination, whether it be restaurant, food court or coffee shop, I take off my hat and place it on an extra chair.

I do this because the heat is so oppressive and it's a relief to remove the hat. I don't place it on the table, of course, assuming that it would be bad etiquette, not to mention unhygienic. And I don't place it on the floor, of course. So it gets placed on the other chair at my table.

Well, it seems that hat is a magnet for anyone needing a chair for their own table. They make a beeline for my chair and demand to know if anyone is using it, looking down at the hat. I'm usually so taken by surprise that I give up the chair and end up balancing my hat, precariously and uncomfortably, on my knee.

This happened to me today at a coffee shop. It wasn't until someone had taken the chair away that I noticed the table behind him had a gentleman sitting at it, with an empty chair, equidistant from his table.

I would like to know how to handle this situation, to be prepared next time. My instinct is to, first, not get surprised -- it's happened so many times. I plan to say, "Yes, I am using it." Then I will look around and say, "That gentleman is not using his chair. If you are too shy to ask him for it, shall I do it for you?" And then I'll do it. Pointedly.

Seriously, Miss Manners. I love my hats, and I'm thinking of giving them up if I can't deal with this situation.

GENTLE READER: Nobody loves hats more than Miss Manners, except possibly the Mad Hatter, but even she acknowledges that human beings outrank them. No one should have to stand while a hat -- or a backpack, or a laptop -- is comfortably ensconced.

If there are other seats available, you can certainly point them out -- although politely, rather than, as you suggest, pointedly: "Do you mind seeing if that one over there is free?" If not, yield gracefully.

As for where to park your hat -- on your head. Unlike gentlemen, ladies need not remove their hats indoors. If necessary, you can remove it briefly to wipe your brow.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one acknowledge that a friend has been given six weeks to live, besides visiting and supporting them? What can one say?

GENTLE READER: One can listen. If there is ever a time that one should be allowed to direct the conversation, it is at the end. You will soon understand whether that particular friend wants to reminisce, philosophize, bemoan fate or chat as usual. Miss Manners trusts that you can then work statements of your affection and admiration into any conversation.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I really do not like the choice my son made in picking a wife. He is aware of this, but still is going to marry her.

Do I have to like her, and how can I be pleasant without being a hypocrite?

GENTLE READER: You do hypocrisy an injustice. Compared to antagonizing your prospective daughter-in-law, it is a virtue.

It is the rare family in which all harmony is spontaneous. When everyone in your family gathers, say at a wedding or for a holiday dinner, do all those kisses and declarations of happiness at seeing one another come straight from the heart?

The difference here is that you harbored the illusion that you might be able to keep this lady from becoming a family member. Now you know that you cannot. So it is in your own interest not to alienate someone who will be on more intimate terms than you with your son, and certainly with any future grandchildren of yours.

Miss Manners has no way of knowing how good an actress you are, but you should start practicing. The first exercise could be saying privately to your son, "I'm afraid I might have misjudged her" (as indeed you might have). "Tell me about her, and what made you fall in love with her." You then use whatever material about her interests and strengths he gives you to open a conversation with her, in which you mostly listen.

Wait -- Miss Manners knows what you are still thinking. Don't for one moment believe that you can satisfy your true feelings by sprinkling little digs beneath the surface politeness.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had a dinner party for eight people, and when we came to the final course, I asked whether they would like coffee.

The eight people present began asking, "Do you have tea?" "Could I have decaf?" Once I had ascertained their preferences, I was left in the kitchen making caf and decaf coffee, tea and decaf tea. I missed most of the dessert course filling their orders.

This happens at almost every dinner party I attend these days. When did it become acceptable to treat your hostess as a short-order cook? Or is the fault mine? Am I being churlish, when a good hostess should be happy to please her guests?

GENTLE READER: Do you mean to say that you got all the way to dessert before your guests started treating you as a short-order cook?

Nowadays, it usually starts with the invitation, when they announce their food requirements. The thought of cooking to assorted individual demands has discouraged many people from entertaining at all.

But the after-dinner drink situation should be manageable. This is not the household hints department, but Miss Manners does have suggestions.

One is that you revert to the traditional pattern of serving coffee after dessert, not before, and away from the table. Not the entire tradition -- Miss Manners does not advise saying, "Ladies, shall we leave the gentlemen to their cigars?"

She only means that you settle everyone back in the living room before you offer coffee. That way, your own dessert will not be disrupted. Then boil plenty of water.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one inquire if a woman is married or not? My friend told me to look for a wedding band on the ring finger of her left hand, but what if she is not wearing one?

Is it appropriate to inquire? I don't know the woman very well. I have talked with her briefly, and she works in a different department at work.

GENTLE READER: You should assume that she is married.

By that, Miss Manners does not mean that you need give up your hopes. She is only suggesting that you make a benign inquiry about her husband, either to her or to someone who knows her: Is he from around here, or is he in the same business? If there is no such person, that is the answer you will be given.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My job is highly customer service-oriented, in person and on the phone. When I have been able to help callers, they usually end the conversation with, "I appreciate your help," to which I respond, "You're welcome." They then follow this with, "Thank you."

I interpret the "I appreciate your help" as a form of "Thank you," but am I wrong in responding with, "You're welcome?" I don't want callers to think I'm prompting them to say "Thank you."

Your response will be much appreciated. Thank you.

GENTLE READER: You're wel....

Oh, no! Miss Manners was caught in the same loop, trying to jump in between your two statements of appreciation. And the conventional response to such appreciation is "You're welcome," although it is rapidly losing ground to "No problem."

The latter would solve your problem, but you should be aware that it annoys some people. A less pat way of saying it would be, "I was glad to be able to help."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband's high school class is having its 40-year reunion this summer. We have gone twice in the past, mainly because it gave him a chance to reconnect with an old girlfriend with whom he remained close.

I had no problems with the friendship -- she was lovely -- but I generally got stuck trying to hold a conversation with her drug-addled husband while the two of them reminisced.

Sadly, his friend passed away a few years ago, so I thought this issue would go away, but he wants to attend this year. I know no one from the group, and I find myself not liking the person that Hubby becomes when we go. He tends to exaggerate his accomplishments to the point where I hardly recognize the life he describes as one I have shared for 38 years.

I have asked if he'd mind if I didn't attend and he said no, but am I being a terrible person and a bad wife by not wanting to spend most of a weekend being bored and irritated at this event?

GENTLE READER: Your husband doesn't mind, the reunion committee doesn't care, so why are you asking Miss Manners? Please stay home and have a good time.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)