DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband was recently found in a compromising situation with a male co-worker at an office party.

I'm well aware that my husband is bisexual, and I don't mind that he occasionally sleeps with men. The problem is, we live in a small town, and people keep telling me I must feel terrible, how could he do something so disgusting, etc.

I know they mean well, but my husband and I are very happy together, and I don't appreciate these comments. How can I get them to mind their own business without being rude?

GENTLE READER: By saying quietly, "He is my husband, and I will not listen to a word against him."

With any luck, you will shock your sympathizers into silence -- at least in your presence. They will continue to gossip about your husband, as Miss Manners is sure that you must be aware. Nothing that you can say will prevent that.

But they will add to their unwanted expressions of sympathy for you that you are acting nobly -- too nobly for some of them, no doubt, but nobly all the same. And the best part is that you will not have to listen to any of it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We invited friends over to dinner, a couple and their several children. We, too, have a large family.

Since we abstain from eating animal and animal by-products due to health and ethical reasons, I made a Mexican dinner that all my children love, quadrupling the recipe to be sure there was plenty for all.

When I was almost finished preparing the meal, in the presence of this family, one of the parents grabbed our phone and made a cheese pizza delivery order for their children. When the doorbell rang, that parent answered the door and paid for the order.

I am wondering if it was rude of us not to jump up and pay for the pizza, since they were our guests and it was our job to make them comfortable. I know we would not eat animal products offered to us as food if we had been invited to dinner.

The adult guests repeatedly raved about how much they enjoyed the dinner I made. Thoughts?

GENTLE READER: Only that it is good that the grown-ups liked the meal you prepared. If not, they might have ordered a catered meal from their favorite restaurant, and the cost of making them comfortable, if you got to the door first, would have been considerable.

At a time when many people expect their guests to provide refreshments, Miss Manners is grateful that you worry about providing for yours. But you did. You prepared them a meal you thought would please them all.

But guests also have obligations, and they did not meet theirs. That they were rude enough to show you that the meal did not please them all is not surprising in people who did not teach manners to their children. You are not responsible for their rudeness or their debts.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For the past 22 years, I have earned my living as a professional musician; my instrument is the viola. I have distinguished myself as a soloist, chamber musician and orchestral player in North America and Europe, and some of my students have gone on to play in professional orchestras as well.

I am on cordial terms with my colleagues and unfailingly polite to members of the public. In no way do I consider myself extraordinary, but I am grateful to find myself working among like-minded colleagues, and I am constantly looking for ways to keep challenging myself as a musician.

However, the challenges have come in an unexpected form: comments from people who have heard me perform in public with a quartet. One audience member announced that he and I shared a college alma mater (I attended a small liberal arts college with a well-known conservatory whose motto is "Learning and Labor"). He then said, "'Learning and Labor' -- guess there wasn't much of THAT going on in the conservatory, huh?"

And the other night I was approached by a woman who told my group that her son played the violin, but didn't want to work hard -- so he switched to the viola. I reacted to both of these people with a wan smile, though I found both comments insulting.

Suffice to say I would never denigrate a person or their life's work in such a fashion. I am afraid these comments are increasing in frequency. It is disheartening, and I'm afraid I may at some point lose my cool. How would you advise I handle such situations in the future?

GENTLE READER: It is not just you. Talk to tuba players; they complain that everyone thinks they are slow-witted and fat. Or harp players, who say they don't get tipped when they play in hotels or restaurants because people think it would be like tipping an angel.

It is not that Miss Manners means to make light of the thoughtless rudeness to which you have been subjected. But she was always told that the viola was a sure way to become popular, at least among groups of two violins and a cello.

It is not only every instrument, but every profession that inspires stupid, top-of-the-head remarks under the name of wit. Lawyers, teachers, police officers, postal workers, doctors, accountants -- all, and many others, can tell you the inevitable silly remarks they hear upon meeting new people. And as if the repetition were not maddening enough, such remarks are delivered with a self-congratulatory expression of having been witty.

The way to deal with them is to answer them as if they were meant seriously. The fellow alumnus could have been told, "Oh, no, I assure you that nobody goes into music professionally unless it is a real labor of love." And the mother could have been told that her son must be a musical prodigy, if he has mastered the viola without working.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The bride (or parents) pay for the wedding cake. But who pays for the groom's cake?

GENTLE READER: Take a wild guess.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiance and I are both well-established young adults who honestly have little or no use for additional household items that would typically be set aside for wedding gifts. We are paying for the wedding ourselves because none of our parents are able to afford to help us with the cost.

We are wondering what is the easiest and most polite way of asking for a monetary donation to offset the cost of the wedding because we are paying for it ourselves.

GENTLE READER: No, you are not paying for it yourselves, no matter how often you proclaim that. You are scheming to ask your guests to pay for it.

Miss Manners realizes that it will come as a shock to many bridal couples to hear that their weddings are not shows that carry admission fees. However, there is no remotely polite way to ask guests to pay for the hospitality you pretend to offer them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I wished a widower of a little over one month a "nice summer" and was told by a co-worker that it was insensitive and "too soon" to offer well wishes.

Is it? I understand that people grieve, but do we, the living, not need to keep on living?

GENTLE READER: Had you not tried to justify yourself, Miss Manners would have defended you. Such wishes are so conventional as to emerge almost automatically. And anyway, your co-worker should not be chastising you.

But that remark about the living needing to go on living -- another automatic truism -- troubles her.

Yes, we all know that it is true. The widower was probably not trying to throw himself into his wife's grave. But it is not up to you, or anyone else, to announce how or how long the bereaved should grieve.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter is having a party tomorrow to celebrate her fifth birthday. I found out this morning that one of her friends has gotten her a present she already has.

I have instructed her, and had her practice, what to do if she opens a present she already has or does not particularly like at her party -- to say "thank you" and move on to the next one. However, I was hoping this was something she wouldn't actually have to deal with.

Since I know ahead of time, should I let the parent know, or let it go and deal with it after the party? I don't want the parent to feel I am asking her to do more work by returning the present and getting another one.

GENTLE READER: Then why would you be less gracious than you have advised your daughter to be? Why would the friend's parent think that you told her unless you expected her to run out and get another present in time?

Of course that would be the only way your daughter would be, as you say, spared. That would be discomforting and inconveniencing a guest in order to spare your daughter the necessity of practicing good hostess manners.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)