DEAR MISS MANNERS: I disagree when it comes to the ban on families giving bridal or baby showers. In my day, it was the bridesmaids who gave the shower, but today bridesmaids have extra expenses -- engagement parties, dress, shoes, hair, makeup, gift and hotel room. Same goes for a baby shower -- usually it's your friends, but they have families of their own.

With today's economy, it's very hard to budget that expense, and some friends live out of state. In most families, parents can finance the showers.

GENTLE READER: Really? Why does Miss Manners suspect that you have a popular but unengaged daughter, and that you might change your mind when you are faced with financing an entire wedding? Could it be because so many of the people who take issue with Miss Manners are seeing only their own side, and not that of others, to whom they cheerfully assign whatever they wish to escape?

The funny thing is that Miss Manners also tries to rescue bridesmaids and other friends who feel -- or worse, are told -- that they must give parties they can ill afford. But she does not accept the premise by which you merely reassign the expense: the unfortunately widespread belief that lavish showers are an essential part of wedding festivities.

Bridal showers, and for that matter, baby showers, are supposed to be informal gatherings of the honoree's close friends, who give charming little (repeat: little) presents befitting the circumstances-to-be. For the honoree's parents to give showers, whether or not they can afford to do so, not only looks vulgar because of the focus on presents, but also destroys the premise.

Those monster showers given today have become a burden on both hosts and guests, another in a series of events designed to collect whatever goods the honorees have announced that they want.

Miss Manners' antidote is not, like yours, to stick someone else with the bill. It is to return the shower to its proper place as an optional, lighthearted gathering of intimate friends.

Bridesmaids who decide that they want to give such a party would first figure out what they can afford, as indeed any host should. A tea or dessert party in someone's home would not only be inexpensive but, to Miss Manners' mind, far more delightful than anything held in a commercial establishment, however pretentious.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Due to an out-of-state job transfer, I am unable to spend as much time with my grandchildren as I would like. My ex-husband's new wife, who I suspect would rather spend less time with my grandchildren, texts photos of my grandchildren to me. I am not entirely sure of her motivation. How should I respond?

GENTLE READER: The motivation? You mean because it couldn't possibly be that she thought you would like to see pictures of your grandchildren?

Miss Manners gathers that you are looking for a way to construe this as a vicious act to which you can make a withering reply. You will have to do that on your own. In the meantime, please thank the lady. No dispassionate person could construe this as being an insult.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The performance has been magnificent. The curtain has fallen. The audience applauds. The stars come out for their curtain calls preceded by the supporting members of the cast.

The audience cheers appropriately and is thrilled with the excitement and good mood that comes with seeing such a wonderful show -- or much of the audience, that is. Some get up to leave the instant the last line is spoken or before, without giving so much as a single clap in recognition or appreciation.

I'm not talking about declining the opportunity to spend 10 minutes in a standing ovation. I'm talking about scrambling to leave before the house lights are on.

Do I have your permission to become so entranced by the goings-on on stage while standing and cheering that I block the people who are trying to trample over me so they can avoid the crowded traffic in the parking lot?

GENTLE READER: Or so they can relieve the baby sitter? Or catch the last train home? Or prevent themselves from booing a performance they disliked?

Miss Manners adores the theater and claps enthusiastically to express her enjoyment. But that is because she holds with theatrical tradition in considering the curtain call the proper time for the audience to express its opinion, not for it to give thanks.

When she does not enjoy a professional performance, she does not avail herself of the opportunity to boo, because she is too shy. But she admits to relishing it when a more robust attendee lets it be known that a production is pretentious or vulgar.

Does that make her disrespectful of the feelings of the artists involved? On the contrary, she respects them by not treating them like children who are told "Good job!" for every effort, no matter how misguided. Or like amateurs, whose invited guests should properly offer what compliments they can.

The upside for professionals, should others discriminate, would be knowing that the applause meant genuine appreciation, and that standing applause signaled an extraordinary success.

So please don't block the aisles.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I just graduated from college and my mom sent out announcements to family and friends. I received graduation money in all the cards except for one.

Do I send a thank-you note to the people who did not send money? (They are more than capable of sending money.) I have sent out thank-you notes to everyone else except these people.

GENTLE READER: You are correct that all presents require letters of thanks, and that congratulations alone do not.

However, Miss Manners hopes that those who received your graduation announcements knew that they were obligated only to congratulate you, and that anything more was strictly voluntary. It is a fine achievement to finish college, but not one for which you are paid through a tax that is levied on family and friends.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have heard that gentlemen do not wear gold jewelry after dark. Is this true, and why would that be so?

GENTLE READER: That is not a custom with which Miss Manners is familiar. But then, the gentlemen she knows keep their wedding rings on their fingers when they go out after dark.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I went to a window showroom where I was offended that the "window expert" was chewing gum the entire time of her presentation. She appeared too casual, not professional, and very annoying. Secondly, she made several unnecessary, negative references to our president, indicating that he was responsible for the low number of the glass for which one can get a tax credit.

She said, "He lived in Hawaii. What does he know about cold weather?"

We ended up going to a different window dealer since it was this person who would have come to our house to measure, etc., and I honestly could not stand another interview with the gum-chewing and her political views.

Is there anything I could have done that would be within the bounds of good taste?

GENTLE READER: It must have been hard to resist pointing out that the president's home is in Chicago, where they do have a bit of cold weather now and then.

But why react at all? You wanted to escape from this person, not converse with her.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can I properly invite people to a restaurant for a surprise party and expect them to pay their way?

GENTLE READER: This has certainly become a popular way to surprise people. They think they have been invited out to dinner, and -- surprise! -- they are given a bill.

This does not make it proper, but it does make Miss Manners feel that she should warn people to be careful when accepting what sounds like hospitality.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband has two grown children from his first marriage; I do not have any. Whenever we are in a social setting, talking with people we don't know well or are just meeting, they ask, "Do you guys have kids?"

I know the proper answer is "no." My husband always has to throw in, "Well, I have a son and daughter from my first marriage."

I see this as inappropriate for several reasons. Am I incorrect in thinking that we need to just answer "no" and move on with the conversation? I feel this level of laundry airing to be unnecessary.

GENTLE READER: Laundry airing? To admit to having children?

Miss Manners is sorry, but this does not meet the modern standard for a dirty little secret. Besides, "no" is not, as you suppose, a correct answer. Your husband has children, and you have stepchildren.

It may help you to remember that your interlocutors have no deep interest in the provenance of these children. They are merely trying to start a conversation. More likely, they are angling for an opening to talk about their children. So all either of you need say is, "Yes, two, both grown up. And you?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to want to shake someone's hand while they are eating?

GENTLE READER: It's messy. And Miss Manners fails to see why it would be necessary. If the two are eating together, it's a bit late to shake hands, and if one person has just come upon the other, say at a restaurant, the greeting should be fleet enough not to require the diner to swivel or stand in order to reach out a hand.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)