DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a place to go to find information on what is customary for a dance recital? Do we send invitations, and do we provide dinner? Is there a customary list of people who were present throughout this child's life?

Our little dancer is not yet 3 years old. There is a possibility that she will take dance all of her life. When do we send out invitations, and who would be a recipient of them?

GENTLE READER: Your 2-year-old is not a dancer. She is a toddler who is taking a rhythm and motion class.

Miss Manners hates to be so harsh as to point this out, but she wants you to know that you cannot pass this off as an artistic event to anyone except the child's grandparents. They, and the parents, can take pride in seeing their children perform, and honor requires them to feign interest and admiration for the other children in the class.

It is a bit much to ask of others; fondness for the child is not generally enough to make this endurable for friends, and inviting them may make them feel obligated. You can test that by saying casually, "Emmeline's little class is having a recital." See if anyone says, "Wow! May I come?"

Any more formal overture would suggest that you were more interested in showing off than in offering your guests a good time. Those who accepted would be likely to feel that you owed them, and would expect free tickets when the young lady is dancing solos at Lincoln Center.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiance and I have planned our wedding (second for both of us) as a casual party -- 50 people, small ceremony followed by a cocktail party. We are having drinks, appetizers, cake and coffee. Our closest friends are musicians, so they will all be "jamming." The entire party will be three to four hours, as it is on a weeknight.

My fiance is wearing a nice collared shirt and designer jeans. I am wearing a pretty blue-and-white sleeveless dress to the knee with a small-heeled sandal.

I would like people to dress appropriately, although my fiance told people to just wear jeans! That's fine for the guys if they are neat and have a collared shirt, but wouldn't it be fun for the gals to wear their party clothes sans the taffeta? How do I word the dress code?

GENTLE READER: We don't issue lopsided dress codes, stating that the ladies should meet a higher standard than the gentlemen. Sorry. Nor is there a formal way of specifying that the gentlemen must be neat and that their trousers must be designed.

So although you will have to trust your guests, Miss Manners suspects you may get your wish. This is an informal wedding, which is fine, but everyone interprets informality differently. It is possible that in considering what to wear, gentlemen will focus more on the informality, while ladies focus on its being a wedding.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I asked a favor of my 25-year-old stepdaughter, who lives with us, to see if she could watch my son for a couple of hours on a Saturday morning so I could go play golf. Her mother was going to the beauty salon.

She replied: "I usually go to boot camp on Saturday. I was kind of excited to go this week since I haven't been able to go in like a month, but I guess I can skip it if you really need me to watch him."

I was very upset with this answer, because I feel like it is worse to say yes with a qualifier that says no than to just say no in the first place. My wife and I had a huge fight about this, and she doesn't think there was anything wrong with the answer and told me I had no right to be upset.

I have to admit that I would probably have been upset with a straight no since I don't ask too many favors, but to me this was worse, and I was really offended. Am I overreacting?

GENTLE READER: As you admit, the only answer that would not have upset you would be an unqualified yes. So Miss Manners surmises that although you say you were asking a favor, you thought of it as issuing a command.

Perhaps your stepdaughter knows this from previous experience, and the subtext is, "I will if you insist, but you should know what I'm giving up just so you can play golf." But even that is only a tone away from the reasonable response that you each have something else planned, and she would yield if yours was more important. Was it?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The young wife of a young co-worker died suddenly. A colleague who had never met the wife learned from one of the family members' eulogies that the dead woman's charitable interests included a charity for which the colleague is currently collecting donations in support of her participation in a marathon run. That charity was listed by the bereaved as among the possible recipients of mourners' memorial largesse.

The colleague has therefore taken it upon herself to "dedicate" her run to the recently departed wife, and to state this on the Facebook page of the widower, and elsewhere, with a convenient link for donations.

Since this colleague never even met the dead woman (whose cause of death was, by the way, unrelated to the cause promoted by the charity), this seems opportunistic and in terrible taste, but I'm not sure if it's also in bad taste to say something to Marathon Woman.

GENTLE READER: First you will have to explain to Miss Manners why you think the colleague's action is in bad taste. One does not need an excuse to memorialize someone, but in this case, the lady knew the widower and the charity is one the family suggested.

Perhaps you think it is a cheap way to avoid making a donation. But are you sure that the family isn't pleased at the recognition?

In any case, yes, it is in bad taste to go around criticizing other people's manners. Miss Manners is criticizing yours only because you asked her to.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If a considerate guest assists their host by going after flies with a rolled-up magazine, is the guest also responsible for removing the smashed fly goo from the walls and furniture?

GENTLE READER: Yes. Under the circumstances, one cannot expect the flies to clean up after themselves.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A lifelong friend recently got married (for the third time). The couple requested no gifts, but some of her closest friends (including me) left a few things on the table at the community center where the wedding took place.

It was a very informal affair, a '50s-style wedding with '50s music and dancing. I framed an old 78 rpm record of Elvis Presley that I had held onto for 50 years and gave it as a wedding present.

No thank-you or even acknowledgment or comment about whether she hated or liked it has been forthcoming. To me this is most hurtful, and I can't seem to let it go. It makes me feel like I'm inconsequential in her life. I'm torn between commenting on it or not.

Isn't it better manners to just let it go, or should I say something? I mean, this hurts.

GENTLE READER: How about drying your tears, pulling yourself together, and asking your friend if she received that present?

Although this is the approved way of shaming delinquent brides, it might also be a way of finding out if you caused your own hurt. Miss Manners has no sympathy whatsoever for thankless brides, but there are times when the giver is at fault.

As she keeps trying to teach wedding guests, presents should be sent to the home, never brought to the wedding. Couples who are in the act of being married have no opportunity to deal with them there and then. Boxes left lying around in a public place get lost or even stolen, and often the cards fall off.

So please ask about it in a non-accusatory way. You should then either elicit an apology or realize that you owe one.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Since hard financial times hit the tourism trade, I found myself unemployed (for quite a long time now). A friend of mine has voluntarily helped me out with gift cards and packages of food. I am grateful and have repeatedly said so.

However, every time we have a disagreement about anything of any type, she goes on and on about how much I owe her and such. How often is appropriate for someone to bring up her help? It really does get annoying, and I have even told her so.

GENTLE READER: Philanthropy does seem to bring out the worst in some people. Miss Manners finds it strange that such a kindly impulse as helping someone in need can be accompanied by efforts to make the beneficiary feel bad.

But so it is with your benefactor. Your only escape is to refuse her presents. The next time she offers, thank her, but add: "I can't possibly accept. As you know, I am far too deeply in debt to you already."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)