DEAR MISS MANNERS: I asked a favor of my 25-year-old stepdaughter, who lives with us, to see if she could watch my son for a couple of hours on a Saturday morning so I could go play golf. Her mother was going to the beauty salon.

She replied: "I usually go to boot camp on Saturday. I was kind of excited to go this week since I haven't been able to go in like a month, but I guess I can skip it if you really need me to watch him."

I was very upset with this answer, because I feel like it is worse to say yes with a qualifier that says no than to just say no in the first place. My wife and I had a huge fight about this, and she doesn't think there was anything wrong with the answer and told me I had no right to be upset.

I have to admit that I would probably have been upset with a straight no since I don't ask too many favors, but to me this was worse, and I was really offended. Am I overreacting?

GENTLE READER: As you admit, the only answer that would not have upset you would be an unqualified yes. So Miss Manners surmises that although you say you were asking a favor, you thought of it as issuing a command.

Perhaps your stepdaughter knows this from previous experience, and the subtext is, "I will if you insist, but you should know what I'm giving up just so you can play golf." But even that is only a tone away from the reasonable response that you each have something else planned, and she would yield if yours was more important. Was it?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The young wife of a young co-worker died suddenly. A colleague who had never met the wife learned from one of the family members' eulogies that the dead woman's charitable interests included a charity for which the colleague is currently collecting donations in support of her participation in a marathon run. That charity was listed by the bereaved as among the possible recipients of mourners' memorial largesse.

The colleague has therefore taken it upon herself to "dedicate" her run to the recently departed wife, and to state this on the Facebook page of the widower, and elsewhere, with a convenient link for donations.

Since this colleague never even met the dead woman (whose cause of death was, by the way, unrelated to the cause promoted by the charity), this seems opportunistic and in terrible taste, but I'm not sure if it's also in bad taste to say something to Marathon Woman.

GENTLE READER: First you will have to explain to Miss Manners why you think the colleague's action is in bad taste. One does not need an excuse to memorialize someone, but in this case, the lady knew the widower and the charity is one the family suggested.

Perhaps you think it is a cheap way to avoid making a donation. But are you sure that the family isn't pleased at the recognition?

In any case, yes, it is in bad taste to go around criticizing other people's manners. Miss Manners is criticizing yours only because you asked her to.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If a considerate guest assists their host by going after flies with a rolled-up magazine, is the guest also responsible for removing the smashed fly goo from the walls and furniture?

GENTLE READER: Yes. Under the circumstances, one cannot expect the flies to clean up after themselves.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A lifelong friend recently got married (for the third time). The couple requested no gifts, but some of her closest friends (including me) left a few things on the table at the community center where the wedding took place.

It was a very informal affair, a '50s-style wedding with '50s music and dancing. I framed an old 78 rpm record of Elvis Presley that I had held onto for 50 years and gave it as a wedding present.

No thank-you or even acknowledgment or comment about whether she hated or liked it has been forthcoming. To me this is most hurtful, and I can't seem to let it go. It makes me feel like I'm inconsequential in her life. I'm torn between commenting on it or not.

Isn't it better manners to just let it go, or should I say something? I mean, this hurts.

GENTLE READER: How about drying your tears, pulling yourself together, and asking your friend if she received that present?

Although this is the approved way of shaming delinquent brides, it might also be a way of finding out if you caused your own hurt. Miss Manners has no sympathy whatsoever for thankless brides, but there are times when the giver is at fault.

As she keeps trying to teach wedding guests, presents should be sent to the home, never brought to the wedding. Couples who are in the act of being married have no opportunity to deal with them there and then. Boxes left lying around in a public place get lost or even stolen, and often the cards fall off.

So please ask about it in a non-accusatory way. You should then either elicit an apology or realize that you owe one.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Since hard financial times hit the tourism trade, I found myself unemployed (for quite a long time now). A friend of mine has voluntarily helped me out with gift cards and packages of food. I am grateful and have repeatedly said so.

However, every time we have a disagreement about anything of any type, she goes on and on about how much I owe her and such. How often is appropriate for someone to bring up her help? It really does get annoying, and I have even told her so.

GENTLE READER: Philanthropy does seem to bring out the worst in some people. Miss Manners finds it strange that such a kindly impulse as helping someone in need can be accompanied by efforts to make the beneficiary feel bad.

But so it is with your benefactor. Your only escape is to refuse her presents. The next time she offers, thank her, but add: "I can't possibly accept. As you know, I am far too deeply in debt to you already."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the appropriate way for a young clergyman or attorney at law to recover from the slight of being "presented" to an older tradesman, yeoman or mere gentleman, in order to avoid the appearance of waiving precedence or allowing the lower-ranked elder to be the superior in the interaction?

Or do you say that even today, age is more honorable than the professions?

GENTLE READER: Are you the young clergyman? In that case, you would doubtless have wrestled with the great moral questions. Miss Manners would be interested to hear what you have to say about the sin of pride.

Or perhaps you are an attorney and are familiar with the problem of frivolous disputes.

In any case, your use of the terms "tradesman" and "yeoman" suggests that you are a devotee of Victorian literature. You might want to take a closer look at the social order it reveals.

Gentlemen, as designated by birth, ranked themselves well above lawyers, clergymen (especially young ones, whose chief function seemed to be serving as dull but respectable husbands for unattractive rich ladies) and, for that matter, doctors. These were all seen as providing useful services, so the vicar would be asked to tea once a year, and, when illness required summoning the family doctor, or the family lawyer came by to write or read a will, a meal would be offered. But not deference.

In modern America, things are supposed to be different. It is true that we respect those in "the professions," at least in theory. It is the same theory by which we respect our government officials, regardless of our personal opinions of them as individuals. But it also requires us to respect anyone who does honest labor.

You are correct that there is an order of precedence, and that it involves weighing age, gender, rank and relationship. It can be so complicated -- how would you introduce your mayor and an admiral who also happens to be your mother? -- that few people manage to get it right, or even to try.

Common mistakes include giving gender preference over rank in the workplace, or doing the reverse in social situations. And the age factor is sabotaged by old people who resent deference because they are pretending to be young.

Polite people therefore are tolerant of mistakes. And they do not inflate their own importance.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Though the question has arisen before, I am still uncertain regarding a host's obligations with respect to hand towels in the powder room. When there are multiple guests, say at a dinner party, how many hand towels should there be?

And when one uses a hand towel that the host has provided, should one do anything with it to signify it has been used, or does its dampness speak for itself?

GENTLE READER: Such questions keep arising because of the huge number of guests who believe themselves to be unworthy of guest towels. Or who don't wash their hands after they go to the bathroom.

But as Miss Manners hopes that a host does not delve into such misfortunes, there should be the same number of towels as guests. Should one actually use a towel, it should be left crumpled as a sign that it needs laundering -- and that at least one person washed his hands.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)