DEAR MISS MANNERS: How, if ever, should a lady offer her seat to a gentleman on public transportation? I continue to be troubled by this scenario:

On a subway car, there are two facing rows of three seats. One of these seats is the only unoccupied one in the car. The three seats across from it are occupied by Teenage Girl, Teenage Girl's large handbag and Female Student.

Enter two passengers, whom we will call Older Lady and Older Gentleman. They are traveling together. Older Gentleman assists Older Lady to the unoccupied seat and himself stands next to it.

Female Student is embarrassed to remain seated in the standing presence of one who is so obviously her senior, but does not wish to imply that he looks as if young ladies should immediately surrender their seats to him lest he should keel over from sheer senescence.

Female Student rises anyway and offers Older Gentleman her seat, saying loudly enough for Teenage Girl to hear, "If you'd like to sit together." Teenage Girl, who is evidently easygoing enough to pretend not to notice Female Student's rudeness in offering a seat that so obviously is not hers, quickly removes the handbag, leaving two free seats.

Older Lady and Older Gentleman accept the seats, but Older Gentleman appears somewhat annoyed.

Worried that she has behaved offensively, Female Student ponders the problem with vague embarrassment. Was she in fact correct? Should she have taken Teenage Girl's lead and done nothing? She could also have risen out of sheer youthful caprice and pulled out some slim volume of poetry to illustrate her total lack of interest in the seat's fate. But would he have fallen for such a dramatization?

She later asks her (of course) Completely Correct Father what he thinks she should have done and receives a confusing answer about how interesting it is to live in a time when somebody might ask such a question. As a daughter older than 12, she has been insolent enough to decide that he simply doesn't know.

GENTLE READER: He is not the only clueless gentleman in this scenario.

Miss Manners appreciates your delicacy in worrying about what you assume to be Older Gentleman's shame about his age and the possibility that his illusion of appearing youthful would be shattered by your courtesy.

You may be mistaken, of course. Perhaps he had a personal reason to be miffed at Older Lady.

But Miss Manners has little sympathy for those who reject courtesies to prove that they are young or, in the case of ladies, strong. They have nearly succeeded in stamping out the practice of offering seats to the pregnant, the disabled, the elderly and others who need them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a bridal shower, the two women on my right asked my opinion about placing the gift giver's address on the back of the bridal shower card. They felt it was unnecessary and that thank-yous are not necessary.

I was surprised. As a former family and consumer sciences instructor, my junior high classes practiced writing appropriate thank-yous.

Am I out of touch? Are thank-yous unnecessary?

GENTLE READER: Are presents necessary? For that matter, are bridal showers necessary?

No, they aren't. But most people like to receive presents, and those who give like to feel that they are appreciated. Cut off the graciousness on one side of this equation, and the other side will go, too. Miss Manners hears from many who have given generous shower presents, only to decide not to give wedding presents to ungrateful brides.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it wrong that the first thing that occurred to me while watching the lovely Audrey Hepburn in the opening scene of "Breakfast at Tiffany's" was, "She's eating while wearing her gloves!"?

GENTLE READER: Let us hope that it is exactly the reaction the filmmakers intended you to have. It serves as a tip-off that Holly Golightly, the character that Miss Hepburn plays, is not, shall we say, a lady of refinement, however engaging she may be.

There are so many unintentionally misleading etiquette cues in drama -- not just movies, but plays, opera and highfalutin television -- that Miss Manners cannot be sure this was done on purpose. She hopes so. But in a previous life, as a drama and film critic, she became sadly aware that ignorance of etiquette, especially in historical drama, means that one can never be sure.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a couple of very vocal families of atheists in our neighborhood. I recognize that their personal beliefs are none of my business, and that freedom of religion means freedom to choose non-belief as well. I respect their right to live as they see fit, to refuse donations to charities whose mission they do not support, and so forth.

The problem that I do have is in their response to people of any faith. In our small city, religious organizations frequently host fundraisers in support of their charitable and educational endeavors. These events include dinners, carnivals and so forth, and church members can regularly be found handing out fliers in public areas of the city.

Not content to say, "No, thank you," and move on, my well-educated adult neighbors choose to express outrage at being approached and to mock and insult the intelligence and the beliefs of the volunteers.

I see similar behavior from staunch members of either political party in our town, with people who have a differing point of view being treated like idiots and publicly embarrassed. I find the attitude that freedom of speech and of thought belongs only to those who say and believe the "right" things to be terrifying.

Is there a polite way to intervene and protect the dignity of someone who is simply trying to do what they believe is right, and that they have the legal right to do?

GENTLE READER: If only. Righteousness and rudeness are a popular combination these days, which is odd because there is nothing right about rudeness.

Whatever the cause, rudeness puts its advocates in the wrong. It also damages any cause. Miss Manners doubts that your neighbors want to plant the idea that lack of respect for other human beings is a tenet -- or an inevitable result -- of atheism. But that is what they are doing.

Still, it would be rude of you to chastise them. What you can do in defense of those they embarrass is to say, "I believe that their religion would require them to respect you and allow you to express your beliefs."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I teach at a very small school in a relatively close-knit society. As a result, most teachers go together and buy a gift for each of our graduates.

This year we are purchasing each of our 24 graduates a voice-activated iPod shuffle, which is going to cost each of us around $50 -- a little more than we have contributed in years past due to the size of this particular graduating class.

In addition, I receive a graduation invitation from each of my students, whose receptions I dutifully attend, even if for only five minutes before heading to the next one.

My issue is with one invitation I received that included a gift list "for ideas for a graduation gift." Most invitations I receive have gracious notes that say something to the effect of, "Your presence and friendship is the gift we treasure most, so no gifts, please."

I know these people to be kind and well-meaning, but I was appalled at what I perceive to be a distinct lack of class and manners. I am interested in your opinion and advice in handling this.

GENTLE READER: You teachers give the graduates expensive presents? Didn't you just give them an education?

Miss Manners will not say that this led to a sense of entitlement, because that is now rampant everywhere. But it does not seem, at least in this case, to discourage panhandling for more, or even sparing those who give without prompting.

It may be too late for you to generalize this and turn it into a lesson for the graduates. But Miss Manners hopes that the lesson that generosity is not always the best way to teach character will not be lost on you kindhearted teachers.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Eulogies have recently been the topic of discussion in our family -- especially who is responsible for writing and/or actually giving the eulogy. I personally do not see the need for them. A funeral is a very difficult place for public speaking, especially when you are close to the deceased (i.e., mother or father).

GENTLE READER: Yes, it is, and therefore it is not the immediate survivors who are expected to deliver eulogies, unless they have volunteered to do so. Their task is to invite others, such as friends and colleagues, who can speak well of different aspects of the deceased's life.

It was not always thus. The "celebration of life" funeral developed when it was no longer common for the deceased to have been well-known enough to the presiding clergy for the eulogy to be left in professional hands.

The newer form is not without hazards. Miss Manners has sat through painful funerals at which the speakers made tasteless jokes or droned on pointlessly, or told self-serving stories to illustrate how highly the person who died had admired them.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)