DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have created a gentle and cordial debate about the use of top sheets: When patterned sheets are used, does the print go face up or down? Since it usually gets covered by a blanket or bedspread, it is not seen. If it gets folded back in front of the pillows, it is usually the hem that shows, and most of the time the sheet and blanket are covered by the pillows and then the spread.

Some say down, so when you are under it you see the print. Why is that important when you're asleep?

GENTLE READER: Do you mean to say that you are able to sleep while displaying the wrong side of the sheet over your blanket cover?

Miss Manners refers you to the cartoon by dear James Thurber, in which a hapless little man wearing a polka-dot pajama top and striped bottoms stands in front of the marital bed, from which his ferocious wife is saying, "Well, it makes a difference to me!"

To ensure a peaceful night for the finicky, a patterned or monogrammed sheet is put face down so that the right side is both toward the sleeper and face up when folded over the other bedclothes.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While out to dinner with my girlfriend and her husband, she remarked that she was cold and wished she had brought a jacket. I informed her that I had one in my car and she was welcome to use it.

Who should get the jacket from the car? I told her she could get the jacket since she wanted it -- she said basically that she has done so much for me that it was rude that I expected her to get it herself.

Actual solution: Her husband got the jacket. What is the proper etiquette?

GENTLE READER: Consideration and politeness seem to go only so far in your little group. You offered your jacket but expected to send her out into the cold, coatless, to fetch it. She accepted your offer but felt free to chastise you.

Miss Manners counts only one here with a full set of manners. Any husbands present should have volunteered.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I will become a grandfather for the first time and want to know how I handle future Mother's and Father's Days for my son and daughter-in-law. Do I send them cards or not?

GENTLE READER: You can, of course; Miss Manners would never want to discourage good wishes. But it is not an obligation.

Every year, she is horrified to hear from indignant mothers and fathers (well, truthfully, mostly from mothers) who feel that their own parents should pay them obeisance rather than the other way around. Sometimes they expect this of others, as well.

What would be more charming of you would be to address a note to the baby, congratulating her on having such wonderful parents.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If one has a dinner engagement at a friend's house, should he call ahead when en route?

GENTLE READER: Yes, if it is to say, "I've been in a small accident, but the hospital promised to release me soon. I'm terribly sorry, and I'll be there, but please start dinner without me."

But not if it is to get your friend out of the kitchen or the bathtub to issue updates on an expected arrival.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been reading about calling-card protocol in a few dusty old etiquette books and something puzzled me. Several authors writing in different time periods indicated that simpler is better when it came to the style of the calling card; they described using simple text, with the person's name and perhaps an address, being careful to avoid ostentation.

If that is so, why is it that all the surviving Victorian-era calling cards I have seen in antique stores are so outrageous? They have fabric fringes, names hidden underneath little cutouts, poems, photos, riddles, birds, flowers and other embellishments. Some of them even have phrases like "Happy New Year" or "Kind Regards" printed on them. They don't look anything like the simple white cards prescribed.

I know Miss Manners does not generally like preprinted sentiments, so I am curious to know what she makes of all this frippery. Were calls for order and simplicity falling on deaf ears as much then as today? Am I missing all the more plain cards because those were the ones tucked underneath the pillowcase, or is it something else entirely?

GENTLE READER: You may have succumbed to the common delusion that Victorians behaved properly and exhibited impeccable taste. If that were the case, they would not have needed all those etiquette books trying desperately to improve their behavior.

The passing of years does not make the examples you cite, with their fussy decorations and preprinted sentiments, any more acceptable to Miss Manners than to her predecessors. Then, as now -- when the style unfortunately survives on many wedding invitations and business cards -- we urge simplicity and dignity for formal means of communication.

But (sigh) does anyone, in any era, listen?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were at an intimate dinner party (six very close friends). He had a deadline the next morning, yet he kept expecting me, as the wife, to make the move to leave.

While I watched for clues from him, so that I would avoid opening another subject for discussion and, before we arrived, told him I would be doing so, he thinks that it was my place to excuse us.

I disagree. We are all professionals. I have no problem ending an evening when I have an early morning, but he is certain that it is always the woman's role to make the move.

GENTLE READER: How long have you two been married? Miss Manners does not understand how you could hope to have a successful marriage without a social exit strategy.

Gender and professional status have nothing to do with it. Draw lots, if you can't think of any other way to decide who stands up and says, "It's been such a lovely evening."

The important part is that the other person make distinct signals. Raised eyebrows and a pointed look, somewhat disguised from others by a thin smile, mean, "Can we go soon?" When the head is also tilted, it means, "Now? Please?" And when a slight nod is added to that, it means, "Before I say something I'll regret?"

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Are you obligated to have a graduation party for your child in order for your child to receive gifts?

When I graduated high school in 1981, some of my friends had parties, but most did not. All of us still received gifts (usually monetary) from family and friends.

I've now been told that you have to have a graduation party for your child to receive gifts. I personally think it's ridiculous. People now seem insulted if they receive a graduation announcement and are expected to send a small monetary gift if you don't have a party.

I don't think anyone should feel obligated to send a gift, nor should I feel obligated to pay for a party. I always give my children the option of having a party, or they can choose to take the money I would spend on a party and use it for their senior trip. We've never had a lot of money to go on vacations, so I feel this is a fun thing for my kids to do if they would like.

Graduation parties seem to be getting out of hand, like everyone expecting parties every year for their birthday. That didn't happen in my house, either. They each had about four parties, but I don't believe in all these parties and the constant "gimme gimme" attitude of young people.

Am I being rude to send out graduation announcements to family and friends even if I'm not planning on having a party?

GENTLE READER: Graduation parties are indeed getting out of hand. But if you truly want to discourage the "gimme gimme" culture, which Miss Manners considers a noble goal, you should not be speculating about how best to get presents for your child.

It is true that guests are more likely to produce them than those who merely receive announcements. (Actually, neither is obligated; congratulations are all that is required.) But so what?

The decision about giving a party should be based on your and your child's inclinations, your resources, and whether this is something your guests would enjoy, not the expectation of tribute from them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This young man I have feelings for continues to tease me to the point where I feel I must defend myself, so I tease him back.

It turns out that he is very sensitive and takes my teasing very seriously. Three times he has called me a name that is regrettably used quite a lot outside of the kennel.

We are in college and are two out of the five people who have the same major at a music conservatory, so I see him in all my classes and we live rather close in the dorms.

Is it unladylike to tease a young man? Should I apologize and make amends?

GENTLE READER: Should you apologize to someone who has insulted you in vile language, because you trampled on his sensitive feelings?

Please, no. Miss Manners begs you to turn your own sensitive feelings to protect yourself from people who not only make you feel bad, but also make you feel bad about feeling bad.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)