DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a private person, but I have taken an unpopular public stand on a controversial issue. I speak to civic groups about the issue, sometimes participate in debates sponsored by such groups and write letters to the editor. Within my local area, I am well known for my stand on the subject.

However, I do not want to limit my associations to only those people who agree with me on this issue. I don't like to fight it all the time. Also, I have many other interests and go to many types of social gatherings.

Most of the time, I can avoid a confrontation by changing the subject or saying, "Hey, I'm on my time off now!" or words to that effect.

However, some people see me as a red flag and they are the bull. They just have to charge and keep charging. They feel they must tell me why I am so very wrong! I say that I prefer not to debate the issue, and I try to change the subject, but it doesn't always work.

Do you have some words I can use that are better than what I am currently using? Or should I be ready to defend my position to all people under all circumstances? Is there any way I can set some boundaries on this situation?

GENTLE READER: Try assuming an interested look, and without responding to the attack on your issue, say, "Tell me about your favorite cause. Besides this, what do you think is our most important question of the day?"

This doesn't just change the subject, if it works. It challenges such a person to show whether he has ideas of his own, or just goes around attacking others.

Miss Manners realizes there are risks. He could be tempted to say, "Stopping wrongheaded people like you," although personal insults at a party would only mark him as even ruder than the confrontation, which might be passed off as conversation. The real risk is that you will then attack his ideas, and it will be a draw. The way to win is to listen intently, say pleasantly, "Hmmm, interesting you should think that," and excuse yourself to get a drink.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After years of listening to friends and acquaintances repeat the same story over and again verbatim, I developed the knack of saying with great enthusiasm, as if I have just remembered, "Oh, that's right, you told me about that!" which usually prompts them to jump to new additions to the tale.

However, there are still a few who plod along through the whole saga after I've reminded them I am familiar with it. What can I do when I don't want to spend the time on repeated life's tales?

GENTLE READER: You are going to have a difficult old age. People repeat things. And then they do it again. See?

Your defense is a good one, even if it doesn't always work. A mean variation would be to declare, "I love the part where you ..." and repeat the punch line.

But you have known these people for a long time, and, Miss Manners supposes, are likely to know them longer still. You should consider suffering through their unstoppable repetitions in the hope that they will do the same should you need similar tolerance someday.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a young and healthy 16-year-old. Over the last few months my family and I attended a lot of family events that involved seeing long-distance relatives. My sister and I found ourselves in an awkward position when greeting relatives who would say how skinny we are. I know that it is intended to be a compliment, but how does one respond to something like that?

I feel like saying "thank you" would have been agreeing with them, which seems rude. How should I have responded to this in a ladylike manner?

GENTLE READER: Why grown-ups think it is acceptable to assess young people's growth when they would be horrified if the young made such remarks to them, Miss Manners cannot imagine. Nevertheless, you do have to handle this graciously and not comment on their figures in return. You could say, "Well, yes, we're active teenagers." Do not -- repeat, not -- add "duh."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Several years ago I inherited my mother's extensive collection of silk scarves. These are very special to me, as I remember her wearing them, and even gave her several, as reminders of various art and museum collections we both enjoyed.

While I never remember noticing this when my mother wore these scarves, I find that whenever I wear them, the white tag listing the laundry instructions, origins or composition of the scarf inevitably shows no matter how I tie the scarf. Is this acceptable, or should I cut off these tags (perhaps saving them with a description of the scarf so I always have the pertinent information)?

GENTLE READER: Do you know anyone who was arrested for cutting off a mattress tag that said "Do not remove under penalty of law"?

Probably not, because the warning, which Miss Manners understands has now been amended, was intended for vendors, not buyers, legions of whom were unnecessarily intimidated. She mentions it only to reassure you that you may, in good conscience, rid yourself of the nuisance of trying to hide those tags in the folds by cutting them off.

That these scarves remind you of occasions with your mother is charming. It doesn't sound as if you need additional prompting from the tag, and the laundry instructions on every silk scarf Miss Manners has ever seen are "Dry clean only." But a little scrapbook of the tags with your notes would increase the charm for whoever inherits these scarves next.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: It was my boyfriend's birthday dinner. I was running late, so I served a chicken bake, which is easy to prepare, 25 minutes in the oven. He took a couple bites and, as all of us sat there eating, he said he didn't like it.

I was embarrassed, to say the least. If it were just he and I at the table, I wouldn't have had my feelings hurt as much. Am I wrong to think a person is rude to voice an opinion as he did?

GENTLE READER: Yes, he was rude. If you refrained from dumping the chicken bake on his head, Miss Manners declares you a model of politeness.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I was a child, I was taught that it was in poor taste to talk about private parties and other invitation-only events in a group when not everyone was invited.

I find that this is not true anymore. I have a very loud acquaintance who wishes for everyone to know what she is up to. And I enjoy Facebook for keeping in touch with friends and relatives from far away. But when my local friends post public thank-yous on their FB walls to folks who gave parties I was not even invited to, I feel a bit slighted. These are local friends who requested to add me to their list of friends -- intimating that they wanted to keep in touch with me.

Is this the new norm? Should I ignore these posts? Should I join in the fray? Should I make judicious cuts to my list of Facebook friends? In short, in this time of Internet manners, what's a properly brought-up lady to do?

GENTLE READER: It is still in poor taste. But perhaps you have noticed that there is quite a lot of poor taste material on the Internet, which people post about themselves and others.

They have become their own paparazzi. Everybody can know what just about everyone else is doing pretty much all the time. Among other things one doesn't need to know, this reveals the fact that everyone is not invited to everything.

A proper lady does not accept a new "norm" that is basically inconsiderate of others just because it has become common. But Miss Manners would also expect her to pity people who don't know the right way to thank their hosts or to share their activities, and ignore what should not have been intended for her eyes.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I ran into a high school friend last year who contacted me, four months later, about a part-time position in his marketing company. I've been with the company nine months now, and I'm unhappy with the feedback I receive. This is very negative to me, and I'm not seeing results of my hard work.

My manager tells me it's due to the economy and not to take it personally. However, for the past three or four months I've had sleepless nights, have come down with a cold several times and am generally just not motivated to go there in the morning. I have all the signs that I'm not happy with my job and it's time to move on.

The hard part is, how do I gently tell my manager that it's not working out for me, that the job is not a good match for me? After all, he did offer me a position after not being in contact with me for 20 years.

GENTLE READER: And very nice of him it was, which you must acknowledge. But that does not make you his indentured servant.

What you should tell him is how grateful you were to get the job, how much you have learned and how impressed you are with his company. Then, just when he thinks you are about to hit him for a raise, you say: "But it's time for me to move on. I'm so glad I had this experience, and I can't thank you enough for hiring me."

Miss Manners warns you that considering the bad feedback, this time he may not try to talk you out of leaving. By withholding your dissatisfaction, you don't make your friend feel bad for doing you a good turn.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)