DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a correct/proper time of day to use lighted candles on the dinner table?

GENTLE READER: Yes: after dark.

As Miss Manners recalls from the days before the invention of electricity (so unflattering to the complexion but, she supposes, otherwise useful), candles were a major household expense. Ever since, and even now, it has been considered pretentious to burn candles when their light is superfluous.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While I love my in-laws, I'm annoyed with their "selective nepotism."

They are the proud parents of five lovely boys, some of whom are married. When it comes to the holidays, birthdays or other monumental milestones, not all of their children are treated equally. Since entering the family, I have noticed them buying extravagant presents for other sons and their wives, while my husband and I are always the bottom of the barrel.

Another thing that really pushes my buttons is that my husband, of all of the boys, is the most thoughtful when it comes to his parents. He is always willing to help out and calls frequently to see how they are doing. I cannot say this is true of all of their sons and their significant others, for many of them do not give my in-laws the respect and attention they deserve.

I have noticed no correlation to price of the gift and the monetary neediness of the families receiving the gift. The more affluent couples are coming away with the biggest payoff. My husband and I do not want or need anything; however, it would be nice to have some equality across the board ... especially when it is well known what everyone else in the family is receiving.

When asked every year what we want or need, we have said that money would be best so we can sock it away in our savings. When it comes to gift-giving, we find ourselves with another useless gift that we don't want or need. We often find ourselves forced to spend gift cards we have no use for.

Why do you think not all of us are treated equally, and what, if anything, should we do? This issue hurts my feelings and makes me feel awful for my husband because it has to make him feel inferior.

GENTLE READER: Without being being given other examples of such favoritism, Miss Manners assumes that your complaint is solely about presents. In that case, mightn't their attitude about presents have something to do with yours?

You have made it known that you don't want or need anything that the parents might provide; you only want them to pay you, and you are checking to make sure you are not being cheated out of your share.

This may not be your in-laws' idea of holiday fun. Next year, if they ask you what you want, try saying, "Oh, I'm sure we'll love whatever you care to give us."

Incidentally, your statement that this "has to" make your husband feel inferior leads Miss Manners to believe that he -- who is demonstrably generous to his parents -- has not complained. Perhaps you should be more influenced by his attitude than his parents'.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have just returned home from spending a few days with my son (36) and daughter-in-law (34). They live in a medium-sized city about three hours away. My DIL's mother has been gone for 15 years, so I sometimes try to give her advice to help her.

It seems this has not been appreciated. I disagreed with their decision to move away from their hometown, but they had repeatedly invited me to come, so I did.

The guest room, as well as the entire house, was oddly decorated -- she likes nontraditional colors for walls and furniture. None of the linens that I was to use, though of admittedly nice quality, matched each other, and my DIL painted the guest room walls a pale green, a color I do not enjoy.

My DIL is a tall girl and often wears heels, and even though I said it was inappropriate, she just smiled and changed the subject but did not change her shoes.

They offered to take me to museums or shops or local sites of interest, but they didn't even have a specific activity planned -- my son said it was because they wanted to take me to do whatever I chose. They took me to dinner once, and they cooked dinner for me the next night.

I sat them down and said it was clear they did not really want me to visit, and my son actually said they had worked hard to make me comfortable and that they had hoped this would be a fun visit. But the whole time, my DIL said nothing, but had the nerve to look surprised.

Then my son said that if all I wanted to do was criticize, then maybe I should not come back.

I cannot believe that a girl I have cared for has turned my son against me, and I am at a loss at how I should deal with her in the future. She had the gall to tear up during the discussion, as if to make my son feel bad for her!

I do want to see my son, but I don't want to be manipulated or disrespected. I am their elder, after all, but none of my suggestions are heeded, and my comfort is apparently an afterthought.

GENTLE READER: So you are the one responsible for giving mothers-in-law such a bad name!

Miss Manners always wondered why so much venom is directed against ladies who are, after all, somewhat responsible for producing a presumably beloved spouse. Now she knows.

Would you like to have a houseguest who sneers at your taste in decorating and clothing, who considers it an effrontery to be offered a choice of activities and to be taken to dinner as well as cooked for at home, and who mocks tears as being a contemptible ploy?

Your son has offered you a reasonable choice. And your daughter-in-law was not the person who turned him against you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can studs and cuff links match the woman's dress, or should they always be black, silver or white?

GENTLE READER: Even if you are going to the sophomore prom, Miss Manners begs you not to think of wearing your lady's colors.

However, the rules are not quite as strict as you have guessed. Studs and cuff links of gold, platinum or pearl are also permissible with gentlemen's evening clothes.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Where should a lady place her evening purse during dinner?

GENTLE READER: On her lap, where it will slip to the floor. This obliges her dinner partner, presuming he is a gentleman, to crawl around under the table in a most undignified but amusing manner, to retrieve all the pretty little things that will have spilled out of her purse on the trip downward.

If you do not care to witness this, or feel that a dinner partner might not be game, Miss Manners suggests tucking the purse behind you on your chair.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My good friend has just moved to a continuous-care community for seniors. She is enjoying her spacious two-bedroom apartment and the help the staff gives her, from moving boxes to installing her TV. The food is great, and she is glad to be free of her high-maintenance old home.

One problem: Residents are always complaining. The weather is bad; the food is bad; their arthritis is kicking up. How can she graciously redirect these people to more upbeat conversation?

GENTLE READER: By being her cheerful self and spreading her attitude around. Miss Manners warns that it is not going to be easy in what sounds like sourpuss land, but moods are contagious, and unless your friend keeps saying that she loves the rain, dinner was great and she hopes their health problems will improve, she is in danger of catching their gloom.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When we were at a very nice restaurant, one of the guests constantly was referring to her phone, to look up answers to questions, to show photos.

I asked her a question and she was looking at her phone, so I waited for her to look up at me. When she did, I explained that I did not know how to address someone looking elsewhere. She said she could multitask.

In this age of rude phoners, could we have some advice on the etiquette? I personally think at dinner or where there are live discussions, the phones should be turned off. My husband said I was rude to wait for her to look up at me before I conversed with her.

GENTLE READER: That's a nasty term -- "multitask." At best, it means, "I'll give you some of my attention, but don't expect it all." It is more likely to mean, "Well, I have to do something to stave off boredom when I'm with you."

Contrary to your husband's idea of rudeness, Miss Manners would consider it rude to address someone who is otherwise occupied -- and a waste of time to go out to dinner with such a person. Think of all the tasks you could be accomplishing instead.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the standard protocol for sending a wedding gift thank-you card? How many months?

GENTLE READER: It is not measured in months. It is measured in minutes. Twenty of them. Miss Manners is looking at her watch.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)