DEAR MISS MANNERS: My older sister insists on leaving cash on the dresser after an overnight visit -- somewhere around $30 per night.

The rest of the family has tried to tell her that this is not only unappreciated, but rude. Family is family, and we enjoy having her visit. When we visit her, we don't leave her cash for the visit. She shares expenses for meals eaten out, etc., so it's not like she's trying to make up for not carrying her weight.

She insists it's in lieu of paying for a hotel. How can we convince her to stop this?

GENTLE READER: After the family has told her that leaving money for relatives is unappreciated and rude?

Well, you might tell her what hotels cost these days and that $30 won't get her a broom closet. And that's without the priceless loving atmosphere you throw in.

No, not really. That would be just as crass. What Miss Manners suggests instead is that you put the money into an envelope and send it to her with a note saying, "It was our pleasure to have you here." Repeat if necessary.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I worked, for about 15 years, with an older gentleman. I was fairly young when I began work and rather naively, I realized later, considered his flirting to be either a joke or just the way he was with everyone. I made this assumption because when I met him, I was 24 and he was 54 and married. Despite the flirting, we became very good friends.

When he retired a couple of years ago, he invited me to breakfast and made sure that it was clear he wasn't joking and meant nothing innocent by the invitation. I was startled and embarrassed. I demurred but without really explaining my confusion or embarrassment.

Over the past few years, I hear from him occasionally, and he is always disappointed that I haven't tried to be more communicative.

I really do care about him -- as I would an older brother or a father figure -- so I do want to see him and talk to him, but I am always nervous about where he thinks such meetings might lead (not to mention the hugs at meeting an old friend). I'm also really bad at confrontation, so I tend to ignore interpersonal problems in the hopes that they'll go away (something I still do, even though I've seen evidence proving this to be a fallacy).

Is there any graceful way of dealing with this and retaining my friendship with him?

GENTLE READER: You do not have a friendship with him. At best, you have an unrequited courtship -- and Miss Manners considers that a generous "at best."

He has made his intentions clear, and you may be sure that he has a clear idea of your difficulty in coping with them. Furthermore, your distaste for what he wants does not seem to bother him.

The only way to reject his advances is to reject him completely. An offer to be your father or your brother is not on the table.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude for a hostess to serve dessert to everyone and have none herself?

Maybe I'm oversensitive because I'm watching my calories, but this has happened to me twice recently. Both women are thin and have no dietary issues. One claimed that she didn't care for the dessert, and the other had another glass of wine instead!

GENTLE READER: If the hostess doesn't care for the dessert, why is she feeding it to her guests? Doesn't she care for them, either?

The general rule is that one is not supposed to notice what goes in or does not go in to other people's mouths. But that is directed at hosts; guests have to watch the hostess to know when to dig in.

Miss Manners, who does not travel with an official taster, would confess to being nervous about digging into a dish that is not touched by her hostess.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am at a loss with what seem to be mismatched cues when I am visiting someone's home and it is time to leave.

The situation: I am over for lunch or dinner, we have had a nice chat, and it is clearly time for me to head out. I start making going-away noises -- "It's time to be going, its been lovely" and so forth -- and, after a moment or two, stand up.

The hosts continue sitting. I continue to talk to them, they continue to talk to me without rising, and after a couple of minutes more, it is very much time for me to be gone, but there I am still.

What seems to be happening is conflicting sets of cues for behavior. They are waiting for me to be gone, but I am subconsciously waiting for what my mind tells me is the appropriate trigger to actually start walking away, which is one of the hosts standing up with me.

It's almost Pavlovian. In my subconscious, their standing signals that it is appropriate to walk to the door, and their continuing to sit that they are asking me to stay and keep talking.

Yesterday, this went on for more than five minutes until it became apparent that my hosts, who are close friends but whom I usually see at my place, were dying for me to head out so they could prepare for a child's party later that day. So I let myself out the front door while they stayed on their couches in the living room.

Did I somehow internalize an idiosyncratic norm that the hosts always stand up and see the guests out? What is the more standard range of norms? Is there a well-established formula for what to do when the norm is not followed?

GENTLE READER: So what did they use in the way of a signal to let you know that they were dying to have you leave? Miss Manners shudders to think.

Wouldn't you think it would be easier to learn a few common social signals than to put up with a house full of unhappy squatters?

Yes, hosts are supposed to rise when their guests get up to leave, and to see them to the door. Exasperated and desperate hosts have occasionally been known to rise before their guests in the hope of prompting them.

Your only hope of release, as you have discovered, is to say, "Oh, don't bother getting up -- I'll show myself out."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For years I have had my teeth cleaned by the same dental technician, who chats on and on, asking me questions periodically, which of course means that either I mumble a response, because her hand is in my mouth, or I have to sit up, empty my mouth and respond. Some of these questions are directed to me in my professional capacity as a psychologist.

With the advent of the iPod and books on tape, I have begun listening to books while having my teeth cleaned. I hope I am not being rude by not participating in a one-sided conversation.

GENTLE READER: No, although it would be nice of you to tell the technician beforehand that you have some reading to catch up on, or that you have found that it takes your mind off your teeth.

Miss Manners is only surprised that you had not previously discovered the advantage of responding "Mmmmph." Whether this would be of use in your professional life, she cannot say, but it is of inestimable use at the dentist's.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was recently introduced to a guy by a friend. I have invited him to escort me to a black-tie event coming up soon. Who should pay for the tickets? I'm not sure, because we just met. A relationship has not been established.

GENTLE READER: Begging to differ with you, Miss Manners notes that a relationship has indeed been established. It is that of host and guest. As hosts do the inviting, they pay the expenses.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend is getting married (her third, his first). Her parents are both deceased. She thinks her husband-to-be should not be cheated out of a shower. The problem is, she wants her close friends (five of us) to pay for it! The guest list is about 50.

What do you think? Should we pay or should they? We don't mind helping, but! Would love your professional opinion.

GENTLE READER: In that case, Miss Manners will withhold her personal opinion of a bridegroom who would feel cheated if not given a shower. Her professional opinion is that showers are given voluntarily by those who should then pay for them. In this case, the volunteer is the bride.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband, who was raised in one of the "Our Crowd" families in New York, tells me that it was common practice to set the formal lunch or dinner table for four people when there were only three actual diners.

Can you explain why this was the case? The only two theories anyone has come up with are: to achieve symmetry, or to indicate there was an abundance of food and wine for unexpected guests.

GENTLE READER: As Miss Manners understands it, the idea was not to seem to disturb the servants for fewer people. The servants were not fooled one bit, and now that most people are their own servants, they don't see the point, either.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)