DEAR MISS MANNERS: For years I have had my teeth cleaned by the same dental technician, who chats on and on, asking me questions periodically, which of course means that either I mumble a response, because her hand is in my mouth, or I have to sit up, empty my mouth and respond. Some of these questions are directed to me in my professional capacity as a psychologist.

With the advent of the iPod and books on tape, I have begun listening to books while having my teeth cleaned. I hope I am not being rude by not participating in a one-sided conversation.

GENTLE READER: No, although it would be nice of you to tell the technician beforehand that you have some reading to catch up on, or that you have found that it takes your mind off your teeth.

Miss Manners is only surprised that you had not previously discovered the advantage of responding "Mmmmph." Whether this would be of use in your professional life, she cannot say, but it is of inestimable use at the dentist's.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was recently introduced to a guy by a friend. I have invited him to escort me to a black-tie event coming up soon. Who should pay for the tickets? I'm not sure, because we just met. A relationship has not been established.

GENTLE READER: Begging to differ with you, Miss Manners notes that a relationship has indeed been established. It is that of host and guest. As hosts do the inviting, they pay the expenses.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend is getting married (her third, his first). Her parents are both deceased. She thinks her husband-to-be should not be cheated out of a shower. The problem is, she wants her close friends (five of us) to pay for it! The guest list is about 50.

What do you think? Should we pay or should they? We don't mind helping, but! Would love your professional opinion.

GENTLE READER: In that case, Miss Manners will withhold her personal opinion of a bridegroom who would feel cheated if not given a shower. Her professional opinion is that showers are given voluntarily by those who should then pay for them. In this case, the volunteer is the bride.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband, who was raised in one of the "Our Crowd" families in New York, tells me that it was common practice to set the formal lunch or dinner table for four people when there were only three actual diners.

Can you explain why this was the case? The only two theories anyone has come up with are: to achieve symmetry, or to indicate there was an abundance of food and wine for unexpected guests.

GENTLE READER: As Miss Manners understands it, the idea was not to seem to disturb the servants for fewer people. The servants were not fooled one bit, and now that most people are their own servants, they don't see the point, either.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the last few years, I have become aware of a new custom in bridal showers that seems troubling: The bride lives across the country, and is coming to town for a bridal shower (or baby shower) hosted by a good friend of her mother's.

So far, so good, right?

After all the lovely gifts are opened, she announces that she will of course be returning each and every one of them, so she doesn't have to cart them home with her, which would be impossible. She intends to repurchase them when she returns home. There are, of course, some gifts that will have to be kept, but by and large, they all go back.

Somehow, this seems very offensive, and I'm not sure why. She sends a note and is grateful, but it all seems like such a farce.

Does Miss Manners have a solution? I admit I'm not sure how to solve this one, and I'm not even sure who is incorrect, the guest for feeling like her gift was returned, or the bride for creating the pretext of accepting the gift in the first place.

GENTLE READER: It may be a fraud as well as a farce. Salespeople in stores with bridal registries -- which by now must be every commercial enterprise with the possible exception of funerary monuments -- have told Miss Manners how it works.

The couple registers for all sorts of items, usually expensive ones, and returns everything for refunds. Apparently they believe that this launders their money-grab.

But even if you believe that the bride will purchase just those items she was given, it is still insulting to have sent her guests out buying. Miss Manners' solution would be to take back the rejected item and say, "Oh, dear, no, let me save you the trouble of returning it." You need not trouble her again.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to ask someone how they know another person? I have a good friend who continually asks me how I know a given person, as if surprised that my path would have crossed with this person's.

We live in the same town, thus having similar experiences, and I don't understand why she is so interested in knowing my connection to everyone mentioned.

For instance, if I am at the same party she is, she will ask me how I know the host. Her inflection implies that she simply doesn't understand why I would have been invited.

It wouldn't be a big deal except that I am starting to feel that she is becoming competitive, and I don't understand why. It has become very annoying. Do you have a good answer to this question that would be respectfully appropriate? I truly like her and don't want to compete.

GENTLE READER: Then don't. This is only a common conversational ploy, much used by those who have heard that asking people what they "do" (or, in the case of people they know, what they have been doing lately), is considered offensive because it is used to determine whether they are important enough to talk to.

Miss Manners asks you to assume that your friends, and even the strangers whom you meet through friends, do not intend to insult you unless they can come up with something more blatant.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When cultural differences result in different expectations of the hostess/guest obligations, to whose culture should we defer; the hostess's or the guest's?

For example, if one's guest's culture promotes making oneself at home, helping themselves to plates, drinks, etc., and the hostess's culture promotes playing hostess and getting those items for her guests, should the guest allow the hostess to do what she is comfortable and wants to do, i.e., serve her guests, or should the hostess allow the guests to make themselves at home?

I was taught that you defer to the hostess, as you are a guest in their home and subject to their rules, which means that if you are told to make yourself at home, you do so, and if you are not, you graciously accept the efforts of the hostess.

My friend, however, disagrees and believes that it is the hostess' obligation to make her guests comfortable, and defer to their culture. Who is right?

GENTLE READER: "Culture"?

Do you have foreign visitors from hitherto undocumented societies where people are required, for the sake of politeness, to make free with others' possessions?

Or is this being passed off as youth culture by those who behave this way in their own and parental homes, but would not invite reciprocity in others' taking command of their private stashes?

For that matter, do they -- and you -- believe that the expression "make yourself at home" is meant to be taken literally? Does that mean, for example, that guests could toss out or sell items they don't happen to like?

As you may gather, Miss Manners is fed up with hearing what is universally acknowledged to be rudeness described as culture. Of course it is the hosts' job to dispense hospitality to their guests. And if that does not make the guests comfortable, they should not be visiting.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my family attended a Quinceanera, a very formal affair, my 6-year old daughter was asked to participate in the church service. I was instructed to dress her in a violet gown.

She wore a violet silk dupioni gown that I labored over, working through many nights to finish it in time for the event.

At the church, my sister-in-law approached me and asked me if I made the gown. I said, "yes." She said to me, "I wasn't that ambitious."

I couldn't help feeling that this was a veiled insult. I replied that it was difficult to purchase gowns for young girls in this color and mentioned that it gave me great joy to sew for my daughter.

Can you advise me as to how I might handle these veiled insults during future family functions?

GENTLE READER: By not looking under the veil.

It seems like a pretty thick veil, anyway. Miss Manners would have taken this as meaning that you have high standards. But even if there is a history of sniping that convinces you otherwise, your answer was fine. You might just add, "But your daughter looks lovely."

: