DEAR MISS MANNERS: I came across this statement on a forum and was wondering what you thought about it: "A host cannot invite a person to a social function without inviting his or her socially recognized partner. It's not permitted by etiquette to only invite half of a couple."

Isn't part of entertaining finding a good mix of people to invite? It seems to me that sometimes that might not include inviting significant others.

GENTLE READER: Yes, a host should select interesting guests, and yes, a host cannot invite half of couples to most social events.

How are you going to manage doing both?

Miss Manners has a solution for you, but it does not involve making clear to your friends that you can pick interesting people for an evening better than they can for a lifetime.

It is, rather, to make occasions that would be of obvious interest to one but not the other. Luncheon on weekdays is the classic time that partners may be invited separately unless they work together. Or for an activity, such as a fishing expedition, that one practices and the other doesn't. Or a single-gender gathering, although you have to be careful, because while all-female parties are not generally considered offensive, all-male ones often are. Besides, it doesn't work with single-gender couples.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a middle-aged woman; never married; no children. After so many years of dating men who disappoint me, I have decided that I will not date ever again. I have no interest in finding "the right man," etc.

How do I handle this touchy subject when brought up in a group setting without the conversation turning to "why not" and "you just haven't met the right one," etc. Also, when people push me, I end up telling how I really feel about men being selfish pigs and then it offends my friends.

For the record, I have plenty of male friends and co-workers and we get along great. This is not something I carry on my shoulders or announce to the world.

GENTLE READER: Actually, you are announcing it to your world. The way to avoid discussions that lead nowhere is to refuse to be pushed into having them.

That a group of friends would gang up to ask why you are not dating strikes Miss Manners as -- well, unfriendly, at best. She doesn't want to hear them explain that it is a kindness, because they know better than you what would make you happy.

That said, you don't really mean that part about the pigs, or you wouldn't have male friends. You need only say: "Please stop worrying about me. I have lots of friends, and I'm perfectly happy."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to ask my guests at my wedding to wear a choice of five colors, whichever and however they want? I have an idea that would look really nice but I don't want to be rude.

GENTLE READER: Then trust them to dress themselves. Miss Manners begs you not to think of your wedding guests as part of your decorating scheme.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was at a coffee shop today and I was happy to get one of the "comfy" chairs, where I could relax and enjoy my coffee and book. After a little while, a woman approached me and asked if she could have my seat. She explained that she needed to use her laptop computer, and the chair that I was in was the only seat close to an electrical outlet not already in use by other customers with laptops.

I was a bit taken aback by her request, since it would mean moving from the comfy chair to a far less comfortable table. When I expressed reluctance to move, she said that since I obviously didn't need the electrical outlet, she thought she should have priority. She was polite, yet her request in itself struck me as inappropriate and rude.

Not wanting to be rude myself, and because I'd been planning to leave the coffee shop soon anyway, I said she could have the seat, and I left. However, I was a bit irritated. What is the etiquette here?

GENTLE READER: There doesn't seem to have been much of it. Although you say that that this was a request made politely, it strikes Miss Manners as verging on a demand, and you acceded because you were feeling cowed, not obliging.

The entire concept of asking and considering a favor seems to have been forgotten -- not just in this instance, but in general. Instead, people go around demanding what they consider to be their rights of those who feel that their only choices are to yield or to fight.

Suppose the lady had said, "Excuse me, please, but I wonder if there is some way I could get to that plug that you are not using?"

You might have felt inclined to say, "Sure, I'll move," but that was not your only polite option. You could also have said, "I'll be leaving soon" or "It's this chair I like -- perhaps we could move it."

You also could have politely refused: "I especially like this kind of chair. There might be another plug around somewhere, but if you see another of this kind of chair free, I'll be glad to change."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a high-rise condo building where about half of the residents speak Spanish in their homes. This week I entered the exercise room to work out.

The only other person there working out was one of my neighbors, who I did not know, who had the TV tuned to a Spanish language station.

Would I be justified in asking her to switch to an English-language station; in insisting on such a change by changing the station myself?

GENTLE READER: Assuming that you don't mind alienating a neighbor, and probably a minimum of half of your fellow residents when word gets around, on what grounds would you make such a demand?

By Miss Manners' count, half of the occupants of that room wanted the Spanish station, and what is more, that half was there first.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is a simple card from your mother-in-law too much to ask for on Mother's Day? We see her, often hosting a brunch or dinner, or we take her out along with her significant other. We purchase cards from her grandchildren and from her children and give gifts.

Is it impolite of her not to bring a card for her daughter-in-law, the mother of her grandchildren, especially when we are hosting a Mother's Day brunch?

GENTLE READER-- Mother's Day has turned promiscuous, Miss Manners has noticed.

She had thought it was sweet when people began using the occasion to honor their stepmothers and other ladies who had shown them maternal attention. But now no lady past puberty is safe. Those who have lost children, or find they are unable to have them, report feeling wounded by apparently well-meaning strangers who wish them a happy Mother's Day.

Another development, without even the excuse of good intentions, is the transformation from honor that is volunteered to honor that is demanded, and from children honoring their mothers to mothers demanding honor, and not only from their children. That husbands join in is understandable: They have a lot for which to be grateful to the mothers of their children, and, besides, they have to supervise the children's contributions.

Otherwise, the generations should be honored in an upward direction. Yet, many mothers expect tribute from their mothers and other relatives, and here you are expecting it from your mother-in-law.

Is it too much to ask? Yes.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My very proper mother taught us that one does not display pictures of oneself in one's own home. I have always followed this rule and notice that all my relatives do as well, but I cannot find the rule written anywhere.

Over my long life, friends have occasionally given me pictures of myself, some in frames. I have never displayed them, but I worry that I have hurt my friends' feelings.

Is my mother's rule real and current? I actually like the rule, but want to do the right thing by my friends.

GENTLE READER: The rule is still in effect, but your mother forgot to point out the loopholes. There are enough of those to accommodate your gallery.

One is that you can properly display them in rooms that are considered somewhat private -- your bedroom, your study, and, by extension, a family room.

Another, on which Miss Manners expects to be challenged, is that a painted portrait is traditionally considered acceptable in the more public rooms, but photographs are not. She does not wish to argue against photography as an art, but let us say that photographs of you with the mayor or in your wedding clothes are best shown in the family's area.

Proper mothers are always right; but sometimes they need explaining.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can I replace the salad fork for the dessert fork just for this one event?

GENTLE READER-- Sure, go ahead. Miss Manners will never tell, provided you promise not to tell anyone she condoned it.

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