DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a graduating high school senior who finds the process of sending out graduation announcements tacky.

Close family and friends should be the only people to receive such announcements and invitations, since they may actually be interested in attending, but in recent years, the custom has expanded to include neighbors, acquaintances and distant family members.

Sending announcements to so many people seems like a new way for greedy people to solicit money. Many of my peers have bragged about the money they plan to receive and have chosen to send out as many announcements as they can for that reason alone.

Am I right in finding this custom appalling? Is there any way I can gently inform my peers that they are being rude to feel so entitled?

GENTLE READER: The survival of the graduation announcement, at a time when just about every other announcement is made on social Internet sites, had already led Miss Manners to the conclusion that your classmates confirm.

She is pleased that you have the sense to realize that such announcements are at best unnecessary, and the manners to refrain from sending them. However, she does not advise your going around chastising the rest of the class. At least not until you are safely at a far-away college that none of them is planning to attend.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Could you please explain the intended purpose of graduation announcements?

I am confused at receiving one from the daughter of a friend. We live in the same town and I see my friend rather frequently. I am certain that my friend and her daughter both know that I already know that she is graduating. Why should I receive an announcement for something that I knew already was going to occur? Even if I wanted to attend the ceremony, I wouldn't be able to, because one must have an invitation to attend and one was not enclosed. I happen to know that tickets to the graduation are nearly impossible to secure. I can't help but feel that it was a plea for a gift.

GENTLE READER: See above.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like to know under what circumstances would it be acceptable to ask someone how much money they make or to tell someone how much money you make. This is an argument my wife and I have had recently.

GENTLE READER: So -- how much do you and she each make?

What -- you don't think it quite right for Miss Manners to ask? Even if she declares that she is curious?

Actually, she isn't. This is because she is not considering hiring either of you -- and even then you might not want to answer if you are hoping to negotiate for more.

Surely you are aware that there are two meanings when talking about a person's "worth" -- financial and as a human being -- and that shallow people conflate them. In a social situation, such a question is therefore rude because it is insulting to question someone's worth, and telling is rude because it constitutes bragging.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter is getting married next year and is having a dilemma as to who should walk her down the aisle. Her father and I were divorced when she was 2. He has been involved in her life but not as much as she would have liked. Her stepfather has been around since she was 5.

She cannot figure out which one to choose without hurting the other's feelings. She thinks both escorting her would be too much.

Help! Do you have several solutions or suggestions?

GENTLE READER: One: You.

Miss Manners would not have had trouble with the two-father solution, as avoiding hurt feelings is a worthy goal when planning a wedding. But does it not seem odd to you that a male must give her away, and not the parent who has had her for her entire life?

Indeed, traditionally, giving away a bride was not an exclusively male role. Widows, for example, gave their daughters away. In this case, both fathers will be able to beam equally at the sight of you giving away the daughter you consistently reared.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This weekend, when my family hosted a dinner party for friends and family, I announced that dinner would be served in five minutes to give guests an opportunity to wash up.

As food was being served, I stood at the side bar to offer beverages (both white and red wine, iced tea, raspberry lemonade and iced water). It was at this time that a guest requested that I prepare hot tea so that she could have it with her meal.

My children stated later that shock and displeasure were apparent on my face at having to leave the table to boil water and prepare a hot beverage, when one was not offered. I also thought that if this guest knew she wanted a hot beverage with her meal, she could have asked me to make one at my announcement of five minutes.

We have had this woman over for dinner frequently, and she has never requested hot tea with her meal before, or I would have had hot water prepared. Typically, I serve hot tea and coffee after the meal with dessert (which she knows). I was not happy to leave my other guests at the table and have my meal get cold. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: Frankly, the first thought Miss Manners had was why one of those children who noticed your distress didn't jump up and say, "I'll put the water on, Mother, you sit down."

The second was why you didn't ask one of them to do so -- or even ask the guest, as she seems to be an intimate of the house.

But let us assume that you felt that you must oblige your guest yourself. It is indeed your duty to tend to your guests, even unreasonable ones if you can reasonably do so.

However, you had other guests to consider. To keep them waiting while their food cools -- as Miss Manners trusts that polite guests never begin eating until the hostess does -- would be rude. If you felt that you could not delegate the job of putting water on to boil, you could have said sweetly, "As soon as I get a chance" as you sat down to the meal.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I came across this statement on a forum and was wondering what you thought about it: "A host cannot invite a person to a social function without inviting his or her socially recognized partner. It's not permitted by etiquette to only invite half of a couple."

Isn't part of entertaining finding a good mix of people to invite? It seems to me that sometimes that might not include inviting significant others.

GENTLE READER: Yes, a host should select interesting guests, and yes, a host cannot invite half of couples to most social events.

How are you going to manage doing both?

Miss Manners has a solution for you, but it does not involve making clear to your friends that you can pick interesting people for an evening better than they can for a lifetime.

It is, rather, to make occasions that would be of obvious interest to one but not the other. Luncheon on weekdays is the classic time that partners may be invited separately unless they work together. Or for an activity, such as a fishing expedition, that one practices and the other doesn't. Or a single-gender gathering, although you have to be careful, because while all-female parties are not generally considered offensive, all-male ones often are. Besides, it doesn't work with single-gender couples.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a middle-aged woman; never married; no children. After so many years of dating men who disappoint me, I have decided that I will not date ever again. I have no interest in finding "the right man," etc.

How do I handle this touchy subject when brought up in a group setting without the conversation turning to "why not" and "you just haven't met the right one," etc. Also, when people push me, I end up telling how I really feel about men being selfish pigs and then it offends my friends.

For the record, I have plenty of male friends and co-workers and we get along great. This is not something I carry on my shoulders or announce to the world.

GENTLE READER: Actually, you are announcing it to your world. The way to avoid discussions that lead nowhere is to refuse to be pushed into having them.

That a group of friends would gang up to ask why you are not dating strikes Miss Manners as -- well, unfriendly, at best. She doesn't want to hear them explain that it is a kindness, because they know better than you what would make you happy.

That said, you don't really mean that part about the pigs, or you wouldn't have male friends. You need only say: "Please stop worrying about me. I have lots of friends, and I'm perfectly happy."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to ask my guests at my wedding to wear a choice of five colors, whichever and however they want? I have an idea that would look really nice but I don't want to be rude.

GENTLE READER: Then trust them to dress themselves. Miss Manners begs you not to think of your wedding guests as part of your decorating scheme.

: