DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was at a coffee shop today and I was happy to get one of the "comfy" chairs, where I could relax and enjoy my coffee and book. After a little while, a woman approached me and asked if she could have my seat. She explained that she needed to use her laptop computer, and the chair that I was in was the only seat close to an electrical outlet not already in use by other customers with laptops.

I was a bit taken aback by her request, since it would mean moving from the comfy chair to a far less comfortable table. When I expressed reluctance to move, she said that since I obviously didn't need the electrical outlet, she thought she should have priority. She was polite, yet her request in itself struck me as inappropriate and rude.

Not wanting to be rude myself, and because I'd been planning to leave the coffee shop soon anyway, I said she could have the seat, and I left. However, I was a bit irritated. What is the etiquette here?

GENTLE READER: There doesn't seem to have been much of it. Although you say that that this was a request made politely, it strikes Miss Manners as verging on a demand, and you acceded because you were feeling cowed, not obliging.

The entire concept of asking and considering a favor seems to have been forgotten -- not just in this instance, but in general. Instead, people go around demanding what they consider to be their rights of those who feel that their only choices are to yield or to fight.

Suppose the lady had said, "Excuse me, please, but I wonder if there is some way I could get to that plug that you are not using?"

You might have felt inclined to say, "Sure, I'll move," but that was not your only polite option. You could also have said, "I'll be leaving soon" or "It's this chair I like -- perhaps we could move it."

You also could have politely refused: "I especially like this kind of chair. There might be another plug around somewhere, but if you see another of this kind of chair free, I'll be glad to change."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a high-rise condo building where about half of the residents speak Spanish in their homes. This week I entered the exercise room to work out.

The only other person there working out was one of my neighbors, who I did not know, who had the TV tuned to a Spanish language station.

Would I be justified in asking her to switch to an English-language station; in insisting on such a change by changing the station myself?

GENTLE READER: Assuming that you don't mind alienating a neighbor, and probably a minimum of half of your fellow residents when word gets around, on what grounds would you make such a demand?

By Miss Manners' count, half of the occupants of that room wanted the Spanish station, and what is more, that half was there first.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is a simple card from your mother-in-law too much to ask for on Mother's Day? We see her, often hosting a brunch or dinner, or we take her out along with her significant other. We purchase cards from her grandchildren and from her children and give gifts.

Is it impolite of her not to bring a card for her daughter-in-law, the mother of her grandchildren, especially when we are hosting a Mother's Day brunch?

GENTLE READER-- Mother's Day has turned promiscuous, Miss Manners has noticed.

She had thought it was sweet when people began using the occasion to honor their stepmothers and other ladies who had shown them maternal attention. But now no lady past puberty is safe. Those who have lost children, or find they are unable to have them, report feeling wounded by apparently well-meaning strangers who wish them a happy Mother's Day.

Another development, without even the excuse of good intentions, is the transformation from honor that is volunteered to honor that is demanded, and from children honoring their mothers to mothers demanding honor, and not only from their children. That husbands join in is understandable: They have a lot for which to be grateful to the mothers of their children, and, besides, they have to supervise the children's contributions.

Otherwise, the generations should be honored in an upward direction. Yet, many mothers expect tribute from their mothers and other relatives, and here you are expecting it from your mother-in-law.

Is it too much to ask? Yes.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My very proper mother taught us that one does not display pictures of oneself in one's own home. I have always followed this rule and notice that all my relatives do as well, but I cannot find the rule written anywhere.

Over my long life, friends have occasionally given me pictures of myself, some in frames. I have never displayed them, but I worry that I have hurt my friends' feelings.

Is my mother's rule real and current? I actually like the rule, but want to do the right thing by my friends.

GENTLE READER: The rule is still in effect, but your mother forgot to point out the loopholes. There are enough of those to accommodate your gallery.

One is that you can properly display them in rooms that are considered somewhat private -- your bedroom, your study, and, by extension, a family room.

Another, on which Miss Manners expects to be challenged, is that a painted portrait is traditionally considered acceptable in the more public rooms, but photographs are not. She does not wish to argue against photography as an art, but let us say that photographs of you with the mayor or in your wedding clothes are best shown in the family's area.

Proper mothers are always right; but sometimes they need explaining.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can I replace the salad fork for the dessert fork just for this one event?

GENTLE READER-- Sure, go ahead. Miss Manners will never tell, provided you promise not to tell anyone she condoned it.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Many of my friends, acquaintances and even family members use Facebook as the primary and only means to announce their major life events. This includes engagements, marriages, pregnancy, childbirth and even deaths of family members.

These status updates are exclaimed into the Internet ether, and it seems as if the popular response is to give a thumbs up, a "congrats" or "condolences" on the announcer's virtual wall for public consumption.

If the news is particularly important to me, I will respond with a handwritten note. However, I do it seldom, because I can't help but feel that the announcer takes the news lightly and thinks me so unimportant that they don't actually pick up the phone or write a personal email at the very least. Instead, they throw it out to the public and expect people to care and to respond to this outburst.

I even found that my close relative's girlfriend was pregnant only because she posted a sonogram of her uterus on her Facebook page.

How would Miss Manners begin to address this fantastic erosion of etiquette? Facebook has become the central means of communications amongst people that I know, and it seems archaic to opt out. I can't help getting offended and sad by its crudeness, though.

GENTLE READER: Don't cut off Facebook to spite your...

to spite your...

to spite your...

Please! Would someone rescue Miss Manners and finish this unfortunate sentence?

The point she wants to make is that there are public announcements and private ones, and Internet social sites are acceptable places to make public announcements (among which Miss Manners does not include "Look at my uterus!"). The problem here is not that these are made there, rather than in newspapers, but that the first, more direct announcements to relatives and close friends are neglected.

The greater losers are the givers of such news, not the recipients. True, it is chilling to find that no special notice has been given of an important event in the life of someone one cares about. But surely it must be more chilling to receive only those minimal comments instead of the squeals at happy news and sighs of commiseration at sad news that personal notification would elicit.

Miss Manners hopes that you nevertheless continue to respond personally to announcements from your intimates, perhaps gently making the point by beginning, "I read that you..." are engaged, have a new son, or whatever.

It is not only the proper and kind thing to do, but it may serve to remind the recipient of how nice it is to hear directly.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I just received a large inheritance from a great aunt who passed away a year ago. It has literally changed my life and I am so very grateful, humbled and in complete shock. Her husband is still alive, and I want to send some sort of thanks, but I am not sure how to say it and not sure if I need to. Can you point a polite girl in the right direction?

GENTLE READER: Write him that "It has literally changed my life and you am so very grateful, humbled and in complete shock." Miss Manners gathers that you are a polite person, and that she only need correct the address to which you sent these sentiments.

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