DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a college student with a question about the etiquette of borrowing notes. It has taken me a long time and a lot of hard work to get to college, as I've been financially independent since high school. Now that I'm actualizing my goals of higher education, I take my studies seriously and make a point to not skip class, to do my homework, to understand the material, etc.

There is a girl who was in a couple of my same classes last term and is again currently. She is an excuse maker, and she is constantly behind. She asks me for help. Last week, she asked to borrow notes. I said OK but told her to return them before next class so I could keep my notes in order.

Surprise, she didn't show up. She brought my notes back to class today, but, since she missed class again on Monday, now wants to borrow those notes. I find it rude that she would ask for a favor, not uphold my conditions, and then ask for another.

I've turned down her requests for help in the past, but she keeps asking. I am sick of hearing her self-pitying; none of her excuses are justifiable for consistent lagging (i.e. oversleeping, slow bus, etc.), nor are they more serious than any of the challenges I've overcome to be here. Life is hard, so is college; stop making excuses and get to work.

How do I politely tell her that I am not her personal tutor?

GENTLE READER: You have a perfect excuse in that your classmate did not abide by the terms you set when lending her your notes. Yet you have fresh experience of how annoying excuses are.

Miss Manners assures you that no such evidence is necessary -- nor is using one desirable. Excuses invite the persistent to argue back. You would only bring on another round of her excuses and unreliable promises.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I entertain frequently, about four to six parties a year. Numerous times in the past, I have had individuals who were not invited approach me and either ask if they could attend my party or ask why they were not invited. It's an awkward situation as I stumble around for a polite reply.

I even had one fellow say to me, "Oh, I get it, I didn't make the A-list!" I was stunned, to say the least.

What is the proper response to these folks?

GENTLE READER: Just a guess, but these are not people who regularly entertain you, are they? Or possibly ever invite you?

Even if they were, it is outrageously rude for anyone to demand an invitation or an explanation for not getting one. Social life does not consist of inviting one's entire acquaintance to every occasion. But Miss Manners has noticed -- you are not the only host to have complained about this -- that it is generally those who never reciprocate who feel that invitations are an entitlement.

In that case, you can reply, "But I thought it was I who am not on your list."

To those who really are part of your reciprocal social life, you could reply, "Oh, there will be other occasions. I don't always give the same party."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our new dog is a 7-month-old, very rambunctious Border collie who is in the midst of being trained. When guests come to visit, we put him in a crate in the kitchen, which is where we usually sit. If the people are planning on staying for more than five to 10 minutes, we put him in a crate upstairs.

Twice in the past week, guests assured us that they wanted him loose. Yet when he brought the first person a toy and attempted to put it in her lap, she grabbed him by the collar and roughly pushed him in his crate, as she felt he was "herding" her. Then she offered to take him home with her as he needed to be trained more sternly with hitting.

The second guest explained that she had trained her dog by hitting him hard enough to "knock him off the sofa but he never pulled at my foot again."

I was upset. To the first, I just shook my head, but I told the second that I didn't like hitting. She was insistent and spent some time explaining how soft I was and the necessity to start hitting the dog. It made me very uncomfortable.

Should we just ignore guests when they ask that we let the dog out of his crate so as not to subject the dog to possible volunteer dog trainers?

GENTLE READER: Apparently it would be easier than training these guests. Miss Manners only hopes that you do not invite these people when there are young children in the house.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While I was in a national chain bookstore, sitting in a chair provided by the store in front of the magazine racks, reading, two gentlemen started carrying on a conversation directly in front of me.

I found it annoying but let it go on for two or three minutes and finally stood up, did not step in any direction, as I was standing well within their personal space, addressed them with the following: " Gentlemen, I am not trying to be a jerk, but I would appreciate it if you would please carry on your conversation somewhere else."

Of course they looked at me like my hair was on fire and one informed me that "this was not a library," which I stated I was aware of. My statement had the desired effect, but was I right to do this?

GENTLE READER: With the best of intentions, Miss Manners keeps trying to mouth your exact statement in a tone that does not sound like chastisement. She has not been able to make it come out as if you were offering an apology and begging a favor.

As you acknowledge, a bookstore is not a library; conversation at normal speaking levels is not out of place there. So asking them to move requires an apology for disturbing them as well as a petition to do you a favor.

True, you accomplished your purpose in sending them elsewhere to speak, no doubt, of your rudeness. But you did not accomplish your stated purpose of "not trying to be a jerk."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: The rudeness and bad manners that members of Congress engage in has gone too far. I do not believe any of those truces will last a week. What we need is a Congressional Etiquette Czar. The Czar would need to be given the power to sanction and fine members of Congress for any lapse in polite exchanges.

I would expect that a complete change in behavior will take time. A penalty and the embarrassment of having their manners called into question may start to alter the current misbehavior.

What do you think? Your country needs you.

GENTLE READER: With gratitude and humility, Miss Manners must confess that she already has a (self-created) job as etiquette czarina of the nation, legislators not excepted. She also notes that the U.S. Congress already has its own particular etiquette rules and enforcers.

So why aren't things working better?

There are two standard answers in regard to legislative rudeness:

First that it has ever been so, an assertion bolstered by examples from history of actual violence among members of Congress. This is true, although it is also true that the general level of business was conducted with more grace, and even hostility was expressed less crudely and more formally.

At any rate, Miss Manners does not believe that bad behavior in the past justifies giving up on improvement.

The second argument precludes any hope for improvement because the members hold strong, basic disagreements. Right. We call that the two-party system of government.

But far from inhibiting declarations and defenses of positions, or, more importantly, the exchanges of ideas necessary to arrive at workable agreements, etiquette is what makes all this possible. When insult and invective is what is exchanged, nothing gets accomplished. That is why parliamentary rules -- the etiquette books of any such bodies -- forbid personal attacks.

So -- how do we stop these if parliamentarians and the presiding officials wielding gavels are unable to do so?

It is called an election, folks.

Miss Manners reminds you that every rude person in Congress was elected to that office. This is why she feels it urgent to point out the fallacy of voters who believe that candidates who refuse to deal politely with their opponents make effective leaders. By showing contempt for those who disagree with them and by declaring a refusal to compromise, such candidates clearly demonstrate their inability to cope with a system that requires respect and cooperation.

Yet Miss Manners understands why those who are elected using that style of campaigning persist in behavior that has proved so successful at the polls. They must have pleased the voters, they figure, because they won. They cannot fail to be puzzled when the constituents who elected them start characterizing them as those rude politicians.

Hence her warning is to the voters: If you don't want badly behaved people in office, do not vote for badly behaved candidates.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do you still request, in this age of electronic correspondence, that submissions be in black or blue-black ink?

GENTLE READER: Yes, indeed. Yellow, orange, red, and purple fonts look terrible on Miss Manners' monitor.

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