DEAR MISS MANNERS: What do you think about Facebook "friends" who post things that no one cares about, like "I took a nap today" or "I woke up feeling grumpy today" or "I got my oil changed today"?

Also, and even more annoying, are people who post lots of pictures and comments about themselves, their kids, their vacations, etc., but never comment on anyone else's posts. Please share a little Facebook etiquette for everyone!

GENTLE READER: What a gift those sites are for bores. If someone came up to you at a party and said, "I got my oil changed today," how long would it be before you had to excuse yourself because you thought you heard your mother calling you?

The good part is that it is easier to escape bores who have not cornered you in person.

Politeness in any form of discourse requires taking into consideration what would interest the listener, which is exactly the element that is missing in bores. It is a particular danger of Internet postings that what might interest one person is not of widespread interest.

Miss Manners is willing to imagine that the oil change would be of interest to someone planning to use the car; the nap would interest someone directly concerned with that person's health or ability to stay up late for festivities that day; and the grumpiness might serve as a warning to keep out of his or her way.

No doubt there are general announcements intended for an entire circle of friends: births, for example, or "I won the lottery." But one has to be totally besotted with someone else to be fascinated by the mundane details of that person's every day life -- as indeed, bores are with themselves. You may be sure that they do not bring this sort of thing up because they want to hear about your oil change.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My grandmother has offered my fiance and me a choice: either a wedding gift of a certain (very generous) value, or a check of equal amount.

I would love to ask her for a basic set of silver for formal entertaining. With the price of silver these days, I don't think there's any other way we're going to get it! My fiance is not sure the check wouldn't be the better option, but while we sort that question out, could you let me know what would be a good "starter set" for silver?

GENTLE READER: What a generous grandmother you have. Checks have a way of disappearing into other needs, but choosing a present -- and presuming that silver is within the budget she suggested -- it will always be a pleasure for you and for her, in that you think of it as "Grandmother's silver."

The basic starter set for table silver differs from what is generally packaged because unless your primary form of entertainment will be giving tea parties, teaspoons are much less useful than larger oval spoons. A truly basic setting would be: large fork and knife for main courses, small fork for salad and dessert, large oval spoon for soup and dessert.

You then have a lifetime ahead of you in which (if you are as crazy as Miss Manners) to collect specialized implements and serving pieces.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I apologize in advance if the mere discussion of this topic is itself impolite, but I am nevertheless eager for some guidance on the topic of reading in the bathroom. It seems generally accepted that people read everything from poetry to the daily mail in the bathroom.

Indeed, I imagine some of your gentle readers may be enjoying this very column in that manner. So I will assume, but am prepared to be corrected, that reading in the bathroom is, as a general matter, acceptable.

My specific question is whether it is impolite to bring reading material into a public restroom. For example, when I am at a coffee shop and bring a newspaper into the bathroom, for all to see as I enter and exit. I don't know if that's impolite, but I do know that I feel somewhat sheepish about it, and that I often try to be discreet about what I bring with me. As another example, at work I will sometimes bring a document to the restroom, again feeling somewhat concerned that my co-workers find the conduct to be improper.

Is this impolite? Should I simply kick the habit?

GENTLE READER-- You are asking Miss Manners to break her habit of refusing to deal with bathroom questions. Her general position is that once you close the bathroom door, she does not care to follow you. What you do in there does not concern her, and this includes reading.

But thanks anyway for your vivid picture of her Gentle Readers.

However, this has to do with being on the way to the bathroom and how it affects your colleagues and others, so she supposes she had better tackle it.

It is not the act of reading that may be alarming to those who use the same public bathroom. What acts you perform in private space there are no more their business than Miss Manners'.

It is the appearance of your planning to be there forever, or at least for as long as it takes you to finish "Anna Karenina" or the annual report. Colleagues and strangers may be more reluctant than family members to bang and shout, "Are you going to be in there all day?" Miss Manners therefore recommends sneaking in your reading material and bookmarking it when you hear footsteps.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My stepmother-in-law to-be recently informed me that she intends to wear her own wedding dress to our upcoming nuptials, in the interest of economy. I obligingly smiled and nodded. My fiance's father remarried last autumn, and his bride wore a cocktail length dress with an ivory bodice and metallic skirt; although the dress was probably not designed as a bridal gown, I'm still moderately troubled.

If you could, please impart wisdom as to how I might gently and respectfully resolve this issue.

GENTLE READER: There is no need: Your smiling and nodding has already resolved this issue gently and respectfully.

A bride can properly set the general style of the wedding, but not properly judge everyone's wardrobe choice. Surely you have enough else to do, such as maintaining family harmony. Miss Manners promises you that no one will mistake the bridegroom's stepmother for the bride.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: During the toast at a birthday dinner for a dear friend, the birthday boy was hesitant to raise his glass, saying he'd heard that you're not supposed to toast yourself.

No one else at the table had heard of this rule, and while we all agreed that we didn't consider it bad form to raise your glass once someone else gives a toast in your honor, we're curious: Is it proper for the toast honoree to refrain from raising their own glass?

GENTLE READER: Absolutely. Miss Manners is reminded of the story that King George VI of England (most recently of "The King's Speech") was asked by his younger daughter whether, when his subjects sang "God Save the King," he should sing "God Save Me."

The answer is no, you do not tout or toast yourself. Please pass the word to your friends and to anyone you know who is getting married.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our aging but healthy father was recently brutally murdered in his home in another country. Dealing with his death, the facts of his murder, and the opaque bureaucracies of the other country has all been extremely painful, as you can imagine.

But others cannot. So some of them respond to hearing this news by launching into their own tales of woe.

To be sure, some of the tales are indeed woeful, but these people are not in the second week of this particular nightmare. It's almost as if, now that they've found someone who is suffering, they believe they're in good company, company that will happily listen attentively and be warm and soothing to them.

Nothing could be further from the truth. We want them to mumble condolences and then ask us what we need or just shut up. What do we say to people who do this?

GENTLE READER: You are kind to interpret this as the presumption of sympathetic understanding. Cynical old Miss Manners sees it as an attempt to trump your tragedy and focus attention back on themselves.

She suggests cutting this off with a gentle, "Forgive me, I do sympathize with you, but right now I'm dealing with all the tragedy I can bear."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I really can't stand the sound of someone slurping their coffee, tea or soup. Is slurping rude and done by someone who has no manners or should I need to put up with it?

GENTLE READER: Yes on the first half of your question and probably yes on the second. Unless the slurper happens to be your own minor child, in which case you can say, "Stop -- you're driving me crazy" several thousand times. On behalf of all of us, Miss Manners wishes you good luck with that.

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