DEAR MISS MANNERS: My best friend is getting married, and I couldn't be happier for her. This past weekend she had an engagement party at the home she shares with her mother. My husband and I arrived early to help set up and stayed late to help clean, and we had a wonderful time.

I may have had too wonderful a time. The next morning I realized I had a little bit too much to drink at the party. I knew I wasn't falling all over the place but I may have been guilty of long-winded storytelling.

When I asked my husband his opinion on how I behaved toward the latter end of the party, he confirmed my suspicions, adding that I "downed that last glass of wine" as I was leaving. No other social infractions occurred, but I am so embarrassed. I called to apologize to my best friend and she chuckled and thanked us for our help, kindly glossing over my faux pas.

I still feel foolish. Should I send a note of apology to her mother? She was on the receiving end of a long-winded story or two and may have witnessed the wine guzzling as I exited.

GENTLE READER: Ah, yes, the classic Day-After Dilemma.

Do you pretend that nothing unusual happened, and risk having observers presume that this is your normal behavior? Or do you apologize, and risk alerting those who failed to notice? (We will not go into the question of why your husband didn't offer you the comfort of saying, "It wasn't so bad -- I'm sure nobody really noticed.")

Miss Manners recommends writing the mother to say what a lovely party it was and how happy you are for your friend. Omit any statement of having enjoyed yourself, which could bring on the thought of yes, you certainly did.

You may be sure that if the mother noticed this, she mentioned it to her daughter, who has already shown herself to be gracious enough to dismiss it and to explain that it is atypical for you. Your having behaved well the next day by thanking your hostess should act in your favor.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was recently contacted by my former sister-in-law via a social network. I met and married her brother in college (over 35 years ago) when she was just a little girl.

I've been divorced for years, but heard (through the grapevine) that her brother passed away several years back. They never tried to contact my son with this info.

Is it appropriate for me to ask what happened to my ex-husband, my son's father? What if he had some type of illness that my son could inherit?

GENTLE READER: Yes, but it is something of a rebuff to make that your only concern to someone who has indicated that you still matter to her. Miss Manners presumes that the family was under instructions not to be in touch, even to the extreme extent of not letting your son know of his father's death. Expressions of appreciation for her approach and condolences for her loss should create an opening for you and your son to make the many other inquiries that he, at least, must have.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I enjoy a well-laid table and appreciate that table settings are meant to help a meal progress with little trouble to the guests. When I invite guests for lunch I'm happy to take into consideration their varied dietary needs and preferences.

The most elegant solution, menu-wise, has been to offer soup, salad and sandwiches so that the vegans, the gluten-averse and the omnivores can all eat their fill.

The problem? How to serve these foods so that all can enjoy the meal at the same time. Serving the food in courses would defeat the purpose of letting guests choose the foods that suit their needs.

So how does one arrange the tableware? One or two plates? And what about the bowl? I am left wondering if it might be easier to make a vegan, gluten-free meal for all, but that would be so limiting.

GENTLE READER: Isn't there a saying, "Those who know etiquette history are content to repeat it"?

No? Perhaps that is just as well.

Nevertheless, Miss Manners enjoys plucking solutions out of the past, and she has one for you. That is, if you don't mind skipping back, oh, about a century and a half ago.

That was when Russian service, the serving of meals in several sequential courses, began to catch on. Before that, a company table would be elaborately set with everything for the main part of the meal on symmetrically arranged platters from which the guests could help themselves.

These would include a soup tureen, usually two of them with a choice of clear or cream soup. You could make one a vegetable broth. The table would be set with soup spoons and bowls that would be removed with their underliners, so that the larger plate underneath would be used for whatever the guests choose among the salads and sandwiches.

Even at huge 19th-century banquets, when fat was called "statuesque" and where such tables were artfully arranged with an overwhelming variety of dishes, guests were not expected to eat from each. The style is therefore highly suitable to today's, ah, specialized eaters.

Another custom you might revive is that of placing menu cards on the table. Not intended to resemble restaurant menus, these are pretty cards that state what is being offered so that people can choose, pace themselves, and refrain from calling out "What's that over there?" to guests across the table.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it polite to step into an elevator and continue a conversation with a friend, relative, etc., about politics or religion, with everyone else in earshot?

I feel that these subjects should be more private and should not be exposed to strangers who are not at all interested in your conversation. I believe that one's political views and religious views should be kept to oneself or discussed in private, not in public.

GENTLE READER: Rude? To the other passengers? Certainly if you were loud, or were voicing bigoted opinions or using offensive language.

But Miss Manners must warn you that the worst offence is to yourself. Others may be only too interested. And you may be sure of two things:

In every trapped audience, there is someone who thinks that your views, however sound or pious, are crazy.

That person knows someone whom you know.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there ever a scenario in which it is appropriate to point out the bad manners of a stranger? What if the offense was so atrocious as to cause nervous twitching to those in the vicinity?

I was recently riding on a sold-out train, a three-hour journey between two major cities. My partner and I were seated across the aisle from a young woman who smacked her gum, mouth open, for the entire trip. The noise could practically be heard throughout the entire car. Moving was not an option as the train was sold out.

On top of this, the man seated behind was ill and frequently coughed without covering his mouth. Is there anything to be said or done, short of a nasty glare (which I'm sure is equally inappropriate)? Could people possibly be expected to endure such abuse in silence?

GENTLE READER: "Atrocious"? Miss Manners doesn't enjoy hearing gum-smacking or unprotected coughs, but you had her expecting to hear about gross violations of human rights.

Perhaps you think that is what these petty annoyances are. But public space is filled with petty annoyances, and you can't go around scolding the public. Then you, too, would be a public nuisance.

Oh, Miss Manners supposes you could go around offering tissues with a sympathetic expression, hoping that the cougher would figure out using it to cover his mouth, and telling the gum-chewer the tissue was for when she wanted to dispose of her gum. But you would be better off, not to mention safer, in administering earplugs and facemasks to yourself.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am wondering if it is rude to ask a bride to repay me for all of the purchases I made for her wedding since it did not last a year.

I know that she is suppose to return gifts she received from the wedding, so I am wondering if the same rule applies to the wedding party. I never wanted to be in the wedding but since it was family I had to say yes.

GENTLE READER: You really hated being in this wedding, didn't you? The principals didn't care for it, either, Miss Manners gathers.

Nevertheless, the marriage did take place, and you are mistaken about the necessity for refunds. Wedding presents need to be returned to the donors only if the wedding is canceled, and there is no question of reimbursing bridesmaids or guests for the expenses they incurred. Next time, you might want to take out your own insurance.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like your advice on the proper RSVP for a very good friend for a 50th birthday! We have not kept in touch these past few years. However, we were very good friends for the past 20 years.

I don't want to be too personal, as the invitation is via Evite. Therefore the response will be public to all the hosts and guests.

GENTLE READER: Aren't you grateful, then, for blandly conventional wording, to which no one can take exception? Miss Manners advises "Warmest congratulations on your birthday" followed by "I will be delighted to attend" or, if you are open to a stretch, "I wish I could be with you to celebrate."

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