DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there ever a scenario in which it is appropriate to point out the bad manners of a stranger? What if the offense was so atrocious as to cause nervous twitching to those in the vicinity?

I was recently riding on a sold-out train, a three-hour journey between two major cities. My partner and I were seated across the aisle from a young woman who smacked her gum, mouth open, for the entire trip. The noise could practically be heard throughout the entire car. Moving was not an option as the train was sold out.

On top of this, the man seated behind was ill and frequently coughed without covering his mouth. Is there anything to be said or done, short of a nasty glare (which I'm sure is equally inappropriate)? Could people possibly be expected to endure such abuse in silence?

GENTLE READER: "Atrocious"? Miss Manners doesn't enjoy hearing gum-smacking or unprotected coughs, but you had her expecting to hear about gross violations of human rights.

Perhaps you think that is what these petty annoyances are. But public space is filled with petty annoyances, and you can't go around scolding the public. Then you, too, would be a public nuisance.

Oh, Miss Manners supposes you could go around offering tissues with a sympathetic expression, hoping that the cougher would figure out using it to cover his mouth, and telling the gum-chewer the tissue was for when she wanted to dispose of her gum. But you would be better off, not to mention safer, in administering earplugs and facemasks to yourself.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am wondering if it is rude to ask a bride to repay me for all of the purchases I made for her wedding since it did not last a year.

I know that she is suppose to return gifts she received from the wedding, so I am wondering if the same rule applies to the wedding party. I never wanted to be in the wedding but since it was family I had to say yes.

GENTLE READER: You really hated being in this wedding, didn't you? The principals didn't care for it, either, Miss Manners gathers.

Nevertheless, the marriage did take place, and you are mistaken about the necessity for refunds. Wedding presents need to be returned to the donors only if the wedding is canceled, and there is no question of reimbursing bridesmaids or guests for the expenses they incurred. Next time, you might want to take out your own insurance.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like your advice on the proper RSVP for a very good friend for a 50th birthday! We have not kept in touch these past few years. However, we were very good friends for the past 20 years.

I don't want to be too personal, as the invitation is via Evite. Therefore the response will be public to all the hosts and guests.

GENTLE READER: Aren't you grateful, then, for blandly conventional wording, to which no one can take exception? Miss Manners advises "Warmest congratulations on your birthday" followed by "I will be delighted to attend" or, if you are open to a stretch, "I wish I could be with you to celebrate."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like to know the reason why people put napkins on their lap at restaurants. I mean what's the actual reason for doing so?

GENTLE READER: To catch the gravy on the way down. To have a mop easily at hand in case of sloppy dinner partners or waiters. To cover the fact that one is holding hands with one's dinner partner. And because it is not always convenient to keep a large sheep dog to pass among the sticky-fingered guests.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would appreciate your advice on how to respond to requests from nonprofit organizations with which I am associated that ask me to ask my friends for money for the organization.

If a friend were to ask me for the name of an organization that I believe is worthy, I would of course endorse these organizations and explain why I support them. But I don't believe I should presume on a friendship so far as to solicit donations.

Recently, a group I am involved with began a campaign they called "friend-raising." They suggested that members host events such as dinners, movie nights, or other get-togethers, and charge an admission that would be donated to the charitable group. The admission and purpose would be announced in advance, of course. The group likened it to a smaller version of a charitable gala.

What is your thought on this? As a board member, I was asked to participate, but was able to offer an alternative. (I am selling artwork at a craft fair, and have pledged the proceeds to this organization). However, I was unable to articulate to the board why this proposal made me uncomfortable.

Perhaps there is something that I am missing. I would very much appreciate your perspective.

GENTLE READER: Although Miss Manners does indeed know what is bothering you, she is not sure it would be a good idea to tell the board.

Presuming on friendship to get into other people's money -- including posted gift registries and personally targeted sales campaigns -- is so commonplace that doing it for good works seems benign by comparison.

But it seems even odder to you, and certainly to Miss Manners, that people should be willing to embarrass their own friends into spending money in ways that those friends may not have wanted to do. Really? Is it all right, or even virtuous in a good cause, to embarrass your friends?

The rejoinder is always the worthiness of the result and the supposed impossibility of accomplishing it in any other way. Children whose school activities are in need of funds are now routinely instructed to accost their neighbors and parents' friends with commercial trinkets for sale and even to write fund-raising letters to strangers.

Didn't they used to organize car washes, bake sales, band performances and other activities of their own? Isn't it more self-respecting to charge for real services than to wheedle friends?

You have proposed doing so, and Miss Manners congratulates you for that and for shrinking at charging admission for entertaining you friends. The only hope she can offer in explaining this to others is to point out to them that so very many demands are now made on people by their friends that it might be practical to think of offering desirable alternatives.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like to send a (pleasant) piece of correspondence to Michelle Obama. How may I address her, and how may I close my correspondence? I do want it to sound friendly but am aware of need to be "proper."

GENTLE READER: Despite the common use of the term "first lady" (which Jacqueline Kennedy noted at the time made her sound like a race horse), there is no such official title. The president's wife may be saddled with ceremonial duties, contradictory expectations and intense scrutiny, but legally she is a private citizen.

There is one small difference, however. On the envelope, she is addressed simply as "Mrs. Obama," with no first name, neither his nor hers. This is because she is THE Mrs. Obama, however many other citizens there may be by that surname. Miss Manners was once asked at the Woodrow Wilson museum why Mrs. Wilson had two sets of visiting cards, one as "Mrs. Wilson" and one as "Mrs. Woodrow Wilson." The answer was that she used the former when her husband was in office (as he was when they married), and the latter after he left office.

The salutation is simply "Dear Mrs. Obama," and the closing "Yours very truly" or "Yours sincerely," but you could stretch it to "Respectfully yours," which is the correct closing when writing the president. Of course, Miss Manners is assuming that by "friendly" you mean well-disposed, and not that you are an old friend of hers who is entitled to send love and kisses.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I feel considerably shallow in regards to my reaction to a certain coworker that I find very unattractive. She is hugely overweight, wears entirely too much makeup and has a bad case of acne.

I find it hard to look at her and find myself looking everywhere but her face. I am aggravated with myself at my shallow attitude. Any suggestions, Miss Manners?

GENTLE READER: Indeed. As you recognize that your attitude is shallow, and the refusal to look at your coworker is rude, Miss Manners reminds you to remind yourself that you are dealing with a human being and to school yourself to look her in the eye and behave respectfully.

Miss Manners realizes that everyone is a critic, especially about appearances, and that and "I'm entitled to my opinion" is practically the national motto. But as your co-workers do not exist to meet your aesthetic standards, such opinions should be strongly suppressed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If a man is in the divorce process, and his daughters are in his soon to be former sister-in-law's wedding, should he attend? He has not been invited verbally or via a written invitation. Thanks for your guidance.

GENTLE READER: You are welcome, but Miss Manners would have been able to answer the question without any guidance about the family situation. Anyone who does not receive an invitation to a wedding or any private occasion can safely assume that he is not invited and should not crash.

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