DEAR MISS MANNERS: While shopping the other day with my mother, we ran into a family friend/acquaintance and her newborn son. While my mom cooed over him, I turned to her and asked how she was doing.

She started talking about her baby. I stood there with a smile on my face and agreed that her son was cute. When leaving, I told her "It was nice to see you."

After we were out of earshot, my mother jumped all over me, wanting to know why I was so rude. I couldn't understand it. I believe I was polite, but no, I did not fawn all over the baby. I pointed out to my mother that while I asked how she was, she didn't ask how I was doing.

Is it a necessity that a newborn is the center of all conversations? Would it have been better if I had gone straight for the baby talk and exclamations about his attributes?

Now that she's a mother, is she no longer expected to participate in pleasantries? I understand that she's had a major life change, but does that mean that all talk now has to be about her and the baby and nothing else?

GENTLE READER: Can you not manage to squeeze out one "What an adorable baby!" before moving on to other subjects?

Granted, you are not interested in babies, and the new mother is now interested in little else. Miss Manners is not asking you to do a full kitchy-kitchy-koo. However, it is customary to declare all babies adorable; that is the tribute we pay to the future. One of those babies will grow up to be your gerontologist.

Besides, you soon discovered that you were not going to get any other conversation out of the new mother, so you could have paid your compliment and moved on, comforting yourself that in a short time, your friend, no less besotted with her child, will nevertheless be longing for some adult conversation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received an invitation to an engagement party/dinner. In the envelope, a small card was inserted reading, "We kindly request that you leave the choice of the gift to the engaged couple."

How exactly should I take this? I always thought that when you get engaged you do not get a gift. When you get married you get a gift, and what happens if the wedding would get called off?

I was thrown off by what feels like a rude way of asking for money! Please help me in my understanding of this.

GENTLE READER: You understand this perfectly well: Rude people are making a blatant attempt to exploit their friends. Personally, Miss Manners would be inclined to let them have the pleasure of handling their own presents entirely -- choosing, finding and purchasing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I take day trips with a seniors group. The trips usually include group lunches. Frequently, a person will say to us, "You don't eat very much."

We think that is rude. We don't mention to them that they eat too much -- or too fast -- as most of them do. How do we respond to their comments?

GENTLE READER: Aside from the folly of getting into a discussion of your eating habits, Miss Manners advises a non-quite-relevant answer to throw such people off balance. "It's delicious, isn't it?" for example.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I get bent out of shape when my dinner guests cross their legs at the dinner table. Both men and women do this. It is rude, unsightly to me, and a breach of etiquette, right? Should I say something to the offenders?

GENTLE READER: Such as "Dinner will be here as soon as I get up from under the table"?

If you cannot bend yourself back into shape, Miss Manners recommends refraining from doing an under-the-table leg check. A long tablecloth might help restore your equanimity.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My parents received an invitation to a niece's wedding that stated "Adults Only" and "Black Tie" in fine print. Black Tie means men in tuxedo and women in formal wear, correct?

They are miffed by this turn of events, as they have already bought nice casual wear (South Beach Miami) and this is the first they have heard that the affair is to be formal.

GENTLE READER: What basis did your parents have for assuming that this wedding would be not be formal? They may never have seen the couple dressed in anything but cutoff jeans or bathing suits, but that does not preclude their going all out on this occasion.

All weddings are formal by definition, although they are not all black tie, which means what you think it does. Some are even more formal -- morning dress or white tie -- and some less, but truly casual weddings are rare.

However, Miss Manners does have good news for your parents: Nowadays, weddings are often two or three day festivals, at least one of which their new clothes may conform to the style.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have attended two wakes in the last few months at which the ex-spouses have been present in the condolence lines, often found at the end of the line. This has raised an eyebrow or two.

As the ex-spouse is an EX and the current spouse is grieving, should both be present?

GENTLE READER: Whose were those wandering eyebrows?

If they belonged to the immediately surviving spouse or children, the presence of a former spouse might be seen as an attempt to barge back into a family at the wrong time. If they belonged to outsiders, Miss Manners hopes they will settle back down where they belong. Bereaved families have enough sorrow without having to endure the criticism of others.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last year, while visiting a friend who is an artist, I expressed interest in a painting but did not commit to the purchase. This week, over a year later, I received the painting in the mail, along with an invoice for three times the original price.

Am I obligated to purchase the painting, or is returning it an acceptable option?

GENTLE READER: You know that you are not legally required to buy something for which you did not contract. Miss Manners therefore supposes that you worry that the etiquette of friendship requires you to do so.

It does not. Here is an excellent example of why people are wrong when they declare that etiquette is "just a matter of making others feel comfortable." To make a scam-artist feel comfortable might prove endlessly expensive. Yet presumably you do not want to be unduly harsh to a scam-artist who also happens to be your friend.

The note accompanying the return should therefore read something like this: "There seems to have been a misunderstanding about your beautiful picture. Much as I admire it, I had never asked to be the owner, although I will envy the person who is fortunate enough to acquire it." Optional dig: "I congratulate you on its also having increased in value since I saw it."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one write a condolence note about a person one has never met?

I'm getting to the age where the parents of my friends are dying with some regularity, and I'm increasingly faced with this situation: The deceased live(d) in a different city from my friend and myself; the friendship isn't close enough to warrant traveling a great distance for the funeral; but some kind of official acknowledgment should be made and condolence offered.

This is exactly the situation for condolence letters, but what should they say when I don't have any anecdotes about or memories of the deceased? I don't have a trove of, "I'll always remember the time...." or "Your mother was a shining example of...." because I never met the woman! I've quoted a comforting hymn or prayer in letters to my religious friends, but that doesn't work for the irreligious ones, and besides, I don't know that it's that much better than a preprinted sympathy card anyway.

GENTLE READER: Handwriting is always better than a preprinted card, just as an individually written e-mail is better than a mass e-mail. (No, no, Miss Manners did not say it was all right to send condolences by e-mail. It's merely a comparison to serve as a reminder that mass-produced messages are not heartwarming.)

Eulogizing is indeed an important part of the condolence letter, but, as in this case, it is not always possible. Nor is it the most important part, which is to express sympathy for the bereaved. That you can do: "I was so terribly sorry to hear about your loss. Please accept my deepest sympathy."

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