DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last year, while visiting a friend who is an artist, I expressed interest in a painting but did not commit to the purchase. This week, over a year later, I received the painting in the mail, along with an invoice for three times the original price.

Am I obligated to purchase the painting, or is returning it an acceptable option?

GENTLE READER: You know that you are not legally required to buy something for which you did not contract. Miss Manners therefore supposes that you worry that the etiquette of friendship requires you to do so.

It does not. Here is an excellent example of why people are wrong when they declare that etiquette is "just a matter of making others feel comfortable." To make a scam-artist feel comfortable might prove endlessly expensive. Yet presumably you do not want to be unduly harsh to a scam-artist who also happens to be your friend.

The note accompanying the return should therefore read something like this: "There seems to have been a misunderstanding about your beautiful picture. Much as I admire it, I had never asked to be the owner, although I will envy the person who is fortunate enough to acquire it." Optional dig: "I congratulate you on its also having increased in value since I saw it."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one write a condolence note about a person one has never met?

I'm getting to the age where the parents of my friends are dying with some regularity, and I'm increasingly faced with this situation: The deceased live(d) in a different city from my friend and myself; the friendship isn't close enough to warrant traveling a great distance for the funeral; but some kind of official acknowledgment should be made and condolence offered.

This is exactly the situation for condolence letters, but what should they say when I don't have any anecdotes about or memories of the deceased? I don't have a trove of, "I'll always remember the time...." or "Your mother was a shining example of...." because I never met the woman! I've quoted a comforting hymn or prayer in letters to my religious friends, but that doesn't work for the irreligious ones, and besides, I don't know that it's that much better than a preprinted sympathy card anyway.

GENTLE READER: Handwriting is always better than a preprinted card, just as an individually written e-mail is better than a mass e-mail. (No, no, Miss Manners did not say it was all right to send condolences by e-mail. It's merely a comparison to serve as a reminder that mass-produced messages are not heartwarming.)

Eulogizing is indeed an important part of the condolence letter, but, as in this case, it is not always possible. Nor is it the most important part, which is to express sympathy for the bereaved. That you can do: "I was so terribly sorry to hear about your loss. Please accept my deepest sympathy."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper to lick food or liquid from around your mouth area or should you use your napkin instead?

An ice cream cone, of course, is impossible to eat without getting it all over your mouth. Nobody wants to waste the ice cream by wiping it away with a napkin. Are only certain foods ok to lick up with your tongue?

GENTLE READER: What do you mean by saying an ice cream cone is impossible to eat without getting it all over your mouth? Miss Manners is shocked.

Do not -- repeat not -- push the cone top-first into your face. The tongue gets plenty of exercise, but on the ice cream, not on your face.

When the cone is presented, the tongue should circle the rim to catch any overlap. It is then employed to lick the ice cream in swirls until the remainder sinks into the cone (perhaps aided by a surreptitious push by the tongue when Miss Manners isn't looking), at which time it can be eaten in bites with the cone.

When you have mastered this, perhaps we can move on to barbecued spareribs.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one politely ask a neighbor, who's one block away to not snow blow my driveway in the future? I was awakened this morning by the sound of a snow blower going past my bedroom window. This kind person had cleared off my driveway once last year, and I thanked him, although I prefer to do the shoveling myself.

You might wonder why I would be annoyed (other than from being awakened by the machine) by a neighbor who kindly pushes his snowblower one block away to clear my driveway. I have numerous reasons: 1) Snowblowers are noisy and they pollute. 2) I find snowblowers unnecessary when I can clear the driveway in half an hour to an hour, depending on the amount of snowfall. 3) I enjoy snow shoveling! 4) I need the exercise. 5) I like to have my teenage daughter help me so she can learn to appreciate what physical labor is like.

I am not foolish enough to suggest that the neighbor has deprived me of the joy of snow shoveling (I'm going to help my neighbor as soon as I'm finished with this e-mail), exercise (I walk and take a rowing class) or the opportunity for my daughter to do some real work (she can scrub the bathtub). But still.

I will bake him a lemon poundcake and take it to him and his wife (they're parents of my daughter's friend) and thank him. I will say nothing of my annoyance. And the next time we have a snowstorm, I will get the shovel out at 6 a.m. and pre-empt my neighbor's good intentions.

But it would be nice to be able to shovel the snow after I've had my breakfast. So, if there's a polite way to say thanks but no thanks, please let me know.

GENTLE READER: How about also waking your daughter (so she can learn to appreciate a wintry dawn) and silently shoveling your neighbor's snow before he wakes up?

When he thanks you, you can tell him how much you (Miss Manners advises against saying "we" in case your daughter decides to speak up) actually enjoy doing this, right after breakfast; it's your favorite exercise, and you can hardly wait for it to snow again.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Today I was going through paperwork, arranging it for tax purposes.

It's necessary to point out that I am 10 years delinquent in contending with filing, due to PTSD, and have not been able to open so much as a bill (most things are paid out of my accounts direct) unless it is very easy to identify.

Much of the year I've worked with a therapist in preparing to overcome this. At first, mere mention would create an emotional and physical response that was rather out of context. I would be gridlocked for days at an e-mail talking about needing to do it. We got to the point I could handle this year's, which would still avoid the most painful of the paperwork, and help me develop a routine in simply working with any paperwork. The catalyst is my son is going into college, and I don't want my impairments to impair him from getting financial help.

A friend came over today to "help" and happened upon a social security document that was very personal inside. He laughed upon opening and reading it, though there had been no need because the front was clearly marked and could therefore be properly filed without personal information being read. It was my yearly statement about lifelong contributions.

It was a clear setback. My heart raced (and I had a heart attack two weeks ago), breathing became difficult, and I wasn't able to continue. I told him that felt very inappropriate and went to my room to be alone.

My therapist friend recommended I write to you and ask how that could have better been navigated had I had the presence of mind to be forthright, a prepared statement, so to speak. Perhaps with your insights I could handle that better myself should it come again.

GENTLE READER: Uh, wait. That seems the least of your problems. Miss Manners would like to respect your fragile condition but doubts that the government will be so delicate in dealing with your 10 years delinquency in paying taxes.

Nor can she summon up much indignation against your friend. By asking him to help you with your taxes, you made him privy to a great deal of information about your finances, and it is not always easy, when ploughing through mounds of paper, to distinguish what is relevant and what is not.

The only possible transgression was the laugh, but surely a close friend should be given the benefit of the doubt. Had you asked, "What's so funny?" you might have received an acceptable explanation.

In any case, Miss Manners wishes you luck with your physical, emotional and legal problems. They will not be lessened by your targeting a friend who was trying to help.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are having a surprise 50th birthday party for my mother. We would like to do just appetizers and bite-size desserts. The party starts at 7 p.m. Is this OK, or should be serve a buffet-style dinner?

GENTLE READER: What you have proposed serving is the menu for a tea party. Serve it at 7 and your guests will think it paltry. Serve it at 4 and Miss Manners assures you that they will think it lavish.

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