DEAR MISS MANNERS: When at a public restroom and the person in the stall next to you receives a call, what should one do when finished with one's "business"?

Wait to flush until the call finishes (who knows how long that would be?) or flush and have her caller know where she is receiving the call? It's a dilemma.

GENTLE READER: Not really. Ask yourself which is the proper business in that particular location. Miss Manners is afraid that mistaken deference to an improper activity there could leave you stranded for some time.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When the subject of my wedding came up, my father's girlfriend announced that in her day, the father of the bride was only responsible for paying for the alcohol at the wedding reception and maybe the flowers. The mother of the groom was responsible for having a tea to welcome the bride to the family, and all other wedding/reception costs were the responsibility of the mother of the bride.

I have never seen any tradition or etiquette that splits the financial responsibility for a wedding between the parents of the bride, only between the families of the bride and the groom. Is there a traditional split between what each parent of the bride is expected to pay?

I also wondered if there was some split in expected responsibilities between the parents of the bride (i.e., the mother of the bride will manage the food/wedding gown/etc., and the father of the bride will make sure that there's enough port), but I haven't been able to find anything in the etiquette books that makes either distinction.

My fiance and I are planning on paying for our own wedding and have put it off about a year in order to save the required amount. My father did offer to contribute but hasn't given us a figure, so we are budgeting within what we can save on our own.

My father's girlfriend suggested that I get a book of etiquette so that I can see the breakdown between parents, but I haven't found anything that addresses this. So I turn to you. Can you direct me to a source that contains such a breakdown?

It's a little distressing to me that every time my wedding comes up in front of my father, his girlfriend complains about the costs. With anyone else, I would just stop talking about the wedding, but this is my dad! We honestly never asked them for money or even if they might contribute. My dad's offer was made on his own, and I haven't brought it up since.

I'm at a loss for the polite thing to do and completely at sea looking for the financial responsibility breakdown she has requested.

GENTLE READER: As your research indicates, there is no such rule. It never fails to amaze Miss Manners how authoritative and pious some people suddenly become about etiquette when they think they can twist it to serve themselves.

It would be preposterous to dictate the divided financial responsibilities of husband and wife or ex-husband and wife. Even the idea that the bride's family alone gave the wedding referred to a time when the bride was about to transfer total financial dependence on them to the bridegroom. Miss Manners has always taken the approach that the couple and their families should decide among themselves who wants to contribute what, and that it is none of her business to send around invoices. And she can save you the trouble of researching to see what business it is of the father's friend.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If someone asks you out for a glass of champagne, and you accept, is it OK to say something like, "And if we're hungry afterwards, we can go out for some dinner"? Or is this totally tacky? Be honest.

GENTLE READER: All right: It is. Miss Manners is always honest, but you have challenged her to be blunt as well. You have also challenged your drinks host to feed you. This not only belittles his invitation but denies you the graciousness of asking him out to dinner if, after the champagne, you cannot bear to part with him.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wonderful fiance and I live in the Midwest. Our families are on opposite coasts. As we plan our wedding, location has become an issue.

If we marry where we live, everyone will have to travel. We are leaning toward marrying where my family is from because it is much cheaper than both where we live and where his family is from.

When we mentioned this to his family, his mother cited you, saying that destination weddings are tacky and a way to make guests pay for the couple's vacation. She suggested that we have a courthouse ceremony where we live and then have two receptions on either coast.

I was hoping that our wedding would be a chance for both of our families to come together and celebrate. I do not want anyone to be put out because of travel, but I feel that two receptions would look like we are trying to get as many gifts as possible, which is not the case.

My parents have said we should do whatever makes us happy, since we are paying for our wedding. What is the best way to handle this location problem without offending anyone?

GENTLE READER: Yes, everyone should be happy, including the two of you, but then why don't they all live in one place?

Miss Manners sees that you are doing the best you can to accommodate everyone, but still, you must choose a place. The traditional one is the bride's family's home, which seems to be the best compromise. Please tell your mother that that would not make it a "destination wedding," which is defined by being chosen merely for its vacation attractions.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My ex-husband is extremely picky (and controlling). He criticizes my daughter for putting ketchup on her plate and dipping her hamburger in to the ketchup. Is this impolite?

I started to research the matter and found many websites with opinions on blogs and such, but he didn't accept it and said to look up Miss Manners for her opinion.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners' opinion is that someone has to control a young lady who dips her hamburger into her ketchup, rather than spreading the ketchup from her plate on the hamburger with a knife. And that both you and she are fortunate to have her father to do it.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend is very fastidious about raising her two daughters to have impeccable manners. Their table manners are beautiful.

However, one aspect of their education has been overlooked. Her young girls (9 and 11) are constantly correcting anyone, including adults, about what they perceive to be lapses in good manners.

One example is when they very smugly reprimanded me that I shouldn't have my elbows on the table after dinner. Their mother seems to be proud that her girls are "leading the charge."

I adore these young ladies but would like them to be more respectful of me and my family. We take manners seriously in our home, too -- and that includes being courteous to others. How can I gently ask them to refrain from this behavior?

GENTLE READER: It never fails to amaze Miss Manners that so many people think that learning etiquette entitles them to be rude: that it is all right to violate the principles as long as you follow the particulars.

In this case, your young friends were probably not taught the principles of manners on which the specific etiquette rules they did learn are based. The principle here is a major one: prohibiting embarrassing others. Even Miss Manners does not make herself obnoxious by going around reprimanding others; she responds only when specifically invited to do so, and not always then.

Of course you are bound by the same rules, so you cannot reprimand the young ladies for their rudeness. But as you are on close terms with them, you can open a discussion about manners -- surely a riveting subject -- by complimenting them on their table manners and leading them into questions about the deeper purposes of etiquette.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When inviting someone with a disability to a social event where he or she might require accommodation, is there a polite way to inquire what I can do to make sure they have whatever they need to take part?

I do not want to ask intrusive or personal questions; however, I think that if I needed accommodations to participate in outdoor activities or weekends away that I might be too shy to ask the host for what I need.

I do not know the person very well, nor am I familiar with the various problem-solving strategies she presumably has for working with her disability; however, she has mentioned in passing that the local university campus is not very accessible, which is what got me thinking. It occurred to me that you would be just the person to ask.

GENTLE READER: Actually, the guest is just the person to ask. Disabilities vary, and no one knows better than the person affected what adjustments can reasonably be done to eliminate barriers.

Miss Manners appreciates your reticence up to a point. Indeed, it is always a good idea to refrain from asking personal questions, and people with disabilities receive more than their share. But it is merely gracious, not nosey, for a host to ask if there is anything she can do to accommodate her guest.

: