DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend is very fastidious about raising her two daughters to have impeccable manners. Their table manners are beautiful.

However, one aspect of their education has been overlooked. Her young girls (9 and 11) are constantly correcting anyone, including adults, about what they perceive to be lapses in good manners.

One example is when they very smugly reprimanded me that I shouldn't have my elbows on the table after dinner. Their mother seems to be proud that her girls are "leading the charge."

I adore these young ladies but would like them to be more respectful of me and my family. We take manners seriously in our home, too -- and that includes being courteous to others. How can I gently ask them to refrain from this behavior?

GENTLE READER: It never fails to amaze Miss Manners that so many people think that learning etiquette entitles them to be rude: that it is all right to violate the principles as long as you follow the particulars.

In this case, your young friends were probably not taught the principles of manners on which the specific etiquette rules they did learn are based. The principle here is a major one: prohibiting embarrassing others. Even Miss Manners does not make herself obnoxious by going around reprimanding others; she responds only when specifically invited to do so, and not always then.

Of course you are bound by the same rules, so you cannot reprimand the young ladies for their rudeness. But as you are on close terms with them, you can open a discussion about manners -- surely a riveting subject -- by complimenting them on their table manners and leading them into questions about the deeper purposes of etiquette.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When inviting someone with a disability to a social event where he or she might require accommodation, is there a polite way to inquire what I can do to make sure they have whatever they need to take part?

I do not want to ask intrusive or personal questions; however, I think that if I needed accommodations to participate in outdoor activities or weekends away that I might be too shy to ask the host for what I need.

I do not know the person very well, nor am I familiar with the various problem-solving strategies she presumably has for working with her disability; however, she has mentioned in passing that the local university campus is not very accessible, which is what got me thinking. It occurred to me that you would be just the person to ask.

GENTLE READER: Actually, the guest is just the person to ask. Disabilities vary, and no one knows better than the person affected what adjustments can reasonably be done to eliminate barriers.

Miss Manners appreciates your reticence up to a point. Indeed, it is always a good idea to refrain from asking personal questions, and people with disabilities receive more than their share. But it is merely gracious, not nosey, for a host to ask if there is anything she can do to accommodate her guest.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: The young lady I'm dating is upset with me because I won't give her a title. I'm 34, she's 27. We've been seeing each other for two weeks, and we are nowhere near engaged or married. Is there anything I could introduce her as that would pacify her?

GENTLE READER: My New Acquaintance? The Woman of My Dreams as of Last Week?

Miss Manners doesn't know about you, but the lady's request scares her.

You might try the flattering argument that there is no need for a title because even though your relationship has only just begun, you have already taken the trouble to memorize her name.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am often invited to dinner with a host who is most congenial and proper. At the end of the dinner, he takes his napkin, rolls it up and places it back in the napkin ring. Other guests follow his example.

Somewhere in my training, I was taught to fold the napkin, lay it to the left side and place the napkin ring on top of the napkin so there would be no mistake that it had been used. Would you please tell me what is the proper method?

GENTLE READER: Your host may be congenial, but Miss Manners is afraid that he is proper in this matter only if he has invited the same set of guests to the next day's meals.

Napkin rings are not mere decorations, but a means of identifying who used which napkin to avoid anyone's being stuck at the next meal with someone else's stains. Thus they are associated with family meals -- in families that are fastidious, because they disdain paper napkins, but nevertheless do not employ a full-time laundress -- and intimate houseguests. Those invited for a meal should leave ringless napkins folded by the plate, demonstrating their faith that their host will not pass off their used napkins on the next set of guests.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I will soon be married 49 years but never had an engagement ring, just as I did not have a class ring or any other sort until my wedding day. This was a choice of economy.

I really do not know what to say when a newly engaged lady displays her ring to me. I sincerely hope it is a symbol of a great marriage two people will soon begin and continue as they each vow, "'til death do us part." But I doubt that is what the young woman is hoping to hear.

GENTLE READER: No, she is hoping to hear something more like "What a beautiful ring!" (And it is, Miss Manners can assert without having seen it: All engagement rings, like all brides, are by definition beautiful.)

You can certainly say something about the symbolism, although you know, from your own experience, that a ring is not necessary to form an engagement or sustain a happy marriage. Far too many people regard it for its intrinsic value alone, and it is, alas, not uncommon, for a newly engaged lady to be asked "Is it real?" and "How much did it cost?"

But the way you put it sounds a bit doubtful. "What a lovely symbol of your coming marriage" will do, instead of the hope that they consider it such.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way for a couple in a committed relationship to manage air travel together when one is a frequent flyer with high airline status and the other is not?

One partner travels extensively for business and is always upgraded to business or first class while the other retains the booked coach class seat.

If the frequent traveler is paying for the tickets, should she sit in the front and leave her partner in the back? Split the upgrade each way of the trip? Flip a coin? Or forego the upgrade and both sit in coach together?

I think we should share the upgrade or not use it at all. What are your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: It's certainly risky to ask one's true love to choose between one's own dear company and flying in what passes for relative comfort. Love is love, but coach is also coach. Miss Manners strongly recommends avoiding the question by agreeing that the points be applied to companion upgrades. Or just take the train.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Mothers who object to having to give a Valentine's card to every child in the class are way out of line!

Sixty-four years ago, when I was in Miss Pon's kindergarten class, if we had only brought cards for those we favored most, two girls would have gotten all the cards from both the boys and the girls. And I still remember their names.

Being a shy, quiet girl without the pretty curls or the blonde hair, I would have ended up empty handed. Life does not get much better in the higher grades. Third graders, especially, can be pretty selective when it comes to who is popular and who is not.

Parents can use Valentine's Day as an opportunity to teach their children empathy for all their classmates. Let each child have the joy of a bagful of cards to bring home and sort through and arrange in rows on the rug. They may even learn to read the names of their friends and the silly rhymes on the cards.

Postpone the hurt feelings for later, when the child is not selected for the dodgeball team, or when he is not invited to a party. Who knows, maybe the Valentine's lesson in empathy may even prevent some of those future hurts.

GENTLE READER: Including one that is not generally anticipated.

And that is that children often grow up to be quite different from what can be anticipated at young ages -- most certainly from what can be anticipated by their peers. Miss Manners has noticed that their peers are less likely to judge by what adults would consider good looks than by self-confidence. It isn't the curls that children find fetching -- it is cockiness, with or without the attributes adults pronounce darling.

The one sure thing, as your experience testifies, is that people do not forget childish slights. So here is a practical reason to prevent your child from snubbing that timid or awkward child: He or she may grow up to be dazzlingly desirable, with a long memory.

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