DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way for a couple in a committed relationship to manage air travel together when one is a frequent flyer with high airline status and the other is not?

One partner travels extensively for business and is always upgraded to business or first class while the other retains the booked coach class seat.

If the frequent traveler is paying for the tickets, should she sit in the front and leave her partner in the back? Split the upgrade each way of the trip? Flip a coin? Or forego the upgrade and both sit in coach together?

I think we should share the upgrade or not use it at all. What are your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: It's certainly risky to ask one's true love to choose between one's own dear company and flying in what passes for relative comfort. Love is love, but coach is also coach. Miss Manners strongly recommends avoiding the question by agreeing that the points be applied to companion upgrades. Or just take the train.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Mothers who object to having to give a Valentine's card to every child in the class are way out of line!

Sixty-four years ago, when I was in Miss Pon's kindergarten class, if we had only brought cards for those we favored most, two girls would have gotten all the cards from both the boys and the girls. And I still remember their names.

Being a shy, quiet girl without the pretty curls or the blonde hair, I would have ended up empty handed. Life does not get much better in the higher grades. Third graders, especially, can be pretty selective when it comes to who is popular and who is not.

Parents can use Valentine's Day as an opportunity to teach their children empathy for all their classmates. Let each child have the joy of a bagful of cards to bring home and sort through and arrange in rows on the rug. They may even learn to read the names of their friends and the silly rhymes on the cards.

Postpone the hurt feelings for later, when the child is not selected for the dodgeball team, or when he is not invited to a party. Who knows, maybe the Valentine's lesson in empathy may even prevent some of those future hurts.

GENTLE READER: Including one that is not generally anticipated.

And that is that children often grow up to be quite different from what can be anticipated at young ages -- most certainly from what can be anticipated by their peers. Miss Manners has noticed that their peers are less likely to judge by what adults would consider good looks than by self-confidence. It isn't the curls that children find fetching -- it is cockiness, with or without the attributes adults pronounce darling.

The one sure thing, as your experience testifies, is that people do not forget childish slights. So here is a practical reason to prevent your child from snubbing that timid or awkward child: He or she may grow up to be dazzlingly desirable, with a long memory.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A client came in for tax season! We only see each other once a year. Anyway, in she came for her appointment; I came from around the corner in the office, saw her sitting/waiting, and greeted her with, "Oh! When are you due?" She looks about five to six months pregnant, but ISN'T!!!

We proceeded to discuss drinking enough water, medications, doctor visits, blood tests, etc. But the fact of the matter is she isn't pregnant.

How do I apologize for assuming? Should I apologize?

GENTLE READER: Abjectly, but it is not going to help much.

Presuming to recognize the contents of a lady's womb is about as nosy and presumptive as one can get. Even if she were pregnant -- even if she appeared to have passed her due date -- it was her news to volunteer, not yours to guess.

Miss Manners recommends that you augment that apology by attempting to remove the notion that your comment was inspired by her figure. "I don't know what I was thinking -- why I even had babies in mind," you should say. Because what did you have in mind? Delighting her with testimony that the first thing that leapt out at you when you saw her after a year was the size of her stomach?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The last couple of years, we have been to two or three weddings where there was no receiving line. When I approached each bridal couple, I was made to feel I was intruding. I had the feeling that they were to be looked at, admired, but not to be touched, hugged or congratulated. They did not go around to the tables. They were so cold and so into themselves!

We give generously to these occasions, not only the gift, but our time, our clothes, etc., making sure to attend the wedding ceremony as well as the reception. Please advise future brides, if you agree, that although their day is important to them, we have made a very special attempt to honor them and would like at least a hello in exchange. I don't know how they know who was even at their wedding (except for the gift).

GENTLE READER: Or whether they care. Except, as you point out, for the expected gifts.

Apparently your friends are among those who think of wedding guests as comprising a paid audience, who are not even entitled to backstage passes so that they can express their admiration personally to the stars.

Miss Manners has heard other explanations, but these are not much better. It takes too much time? Well, since it is necessary to greet every single guest, a receiving line is the most efficient way to do it. They promise to make the rounds and greet them at dinner? But they will be detained by some to the neglect of others.

What's that? They say that a receiving line is "too formal"? In that case, how do they characterize that dress with the 5-foot train, and the eight bridesmaids in attendance and the five-course dinner?

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I seem to be at the very beginning of what might be a romance, having gone on two fun and innocent dates. I know that you encourage a period of "friendship" before plunging in. Would it ruin the illusion of just being friends to give a handmade valentine card?

I do like to make valentine cards with lots of lace and red hearts, but maybe that would seem silly. Should I give it in person, or mail it? Mailing it would require finding out the mailing address somehow. And, what should it say?

The general message I would like to convey is, at the very least, "I would very much like to keep dating you!"

GENTLE READER: Leaving aside the notion of "plunging in," which Miss Manners would prefer not to think about, she may well have suggested the friendship approach to romance. Not that she really expected anyone to listen.

So instead of courtship strategy, she will discuss your question in terms of the strategy of etiquette. As this has to do with the effect on the recipient, it may amount to the same approach.

The object should be to delight him, rather than to embarrass him. You know him better than Miss Manners does, although not much better, since you don't know where he lives. If you believe that a valentine from you will set his heart racing, go ahead. However, she believes that even if a romance is budding between you, it is all too likely to inspire the unromantic thought, "Uh-oh. Was I supposed to send you one?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a 16-year-old daughter who is very attractive, smart and doing well at school. What would be a proper way to answer, when my acquaintances or coworkers (not close friends of mine) ask me if my daughter has a boyfriend or dates someone? Regardless if she does or does not, I don't want to discuss that or give them details.

GENTLE READER: The answer is a firm, "She has lots of friends." If there is one follow-up, Miss Manners suggests, "Yes, some of them are boys," but for further persistence, "No doubt she'll be flattered at your interest."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend and I recently bought a house. We are the first of our circle of friends to do so; in fact, most of our friends still live with their parents.

But now that there is an available house for everyone to congregate without parental supervision, our house has been elected the "party" house for everyone and every event. We have people over at the house constantly.

Usually we don't mind, but there are a select few who seem to always outstay their welcome, sometimes staying past midnight or until my boyfriend or myself fall asleep on them. How do you politely kick someone out of your house? Is there a polite way?

GENTLE READER: As a responsible hostess, you are no doubt aware of the unfortunate necessity of taking away car keys from a guest who is not in a state to leave. Let us hope you do not have such guests.

But you can use a similar technique in reverse on guests who overstay. You may not have their car keys, but you have their coats to bring them, along with your profuse thanks for their visit.

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