DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have four children, ages 1, 2,9 and 5, and my mom and older sister are very mad at me cause I don't invite the whole family anymore to my children's birthday parties.

My sister lives about 3 to 3-1/2 hours away. She always invites my kids to her kids' birthday parties. Her parties are about two hours long, and you drive for seven hours back and fourth. Her house is very small, and I am not spending the money for a hotel for the weekend.

My mom says I am wrong. I also don't invite my sister's kids to my children's parties cause I have kid parties. They invite their friends. Again my mom yells at me and tells me I am very wrong!

Am I wrong for letting my kids have their parties? I am sorry but I can't afford to have a family party and a kids' party for all four of my kids. It's not because I want to hurt my family. I just think when the kids get to be school age, they should be able to have their friends instead of a family party. Please help!

GENTLE READER: Anything to stop the yelling, which is no way to ensure family closeness.

Of course your children should have birthday parties with their friends. But equally of course, they should grow up with their cousins, enjoying family occasions together.

Miss Manners' help consists of suggesting that you and your sister alternate having catch-all family birthday celebrations, aside from the individual parties for friends on each child's birthday. This needn't be for every birthday; you could have these seasonally, honoring everyone who had a birthday in that season, or even just twice a year, for the January through June birthdays and the July through December ones. Without being pinned to a specific date or distracted by each child's friends, such gatherings will be much more conducive to the bonding your mother misses.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have often felt put down when I read e-mails that open abruptly with no other greeting than my name. About 95 percent of the business e-mails I receive start this way. I have always been careful to reply with a "Dear," as doing otherwise feels unnatural and rude to me, but am I being archaic? What is the proper etiquette?

GENTLE READER: That e-mails need not resemble letters is upsetting two sets of people: those who are used to paper letters and consider e-mails to be their exact replacement, and those who have never been exposed to paper business letters and think that e-mail letters should be formal correspondence, in contrast to texting.

Miss Manners gathers that you belong to the first group, so you may consider yourself archaic if you wish. There may be instances in which a formal letter is sent by email for its speed, in which case the traditional salutations and closings should be used. But email, with its built-in headings and subject line, is more akin to a memorandum than a letter, and it is not rude use it as such.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I own an artwork purchased from a major New York gallery and I wrote twice, to both the former director and present director of a city-owned art museum to which I financially contribute, that my will says that I leave the piece to the museum.

I never received an acknowledgment.

Recently, a literary magazine had a long essay on the artist on the occasion of a show of his art in a major American museum. I sent the essay to my contacts at the museum mentioning that I had never received an acknowledgment.

At a museum event the other day, the museum director told me he recalled my letter but did not think it warranted a reply! Should I change my will?

GENTLE READER: Yes, if only to spare your survivors from dealing with someone so rude.

Miss Manners gathers that the museum is not that interested in this particular work of art, which is more likely to be appreciated by the major museum that showed the artist's work. She would also surmise that this director is not interested in any donations, if he believes he can afford to snub one of his donors who also collects art.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my partner and I are chewing gum, he starts to pop bubbles. I told him that it's annoying, rude and obnoxious. He argues that there are no etiquette rules to chewing gum.

GENTLE READER: Sure there are, lots of them. Did you think Miss Manners missed grade school?

How about the rule against sticking it in the hair of the person who has the ill luck to sit in front of you?

There are countless other specific rules, but in your case, they are not necessary. The relevant rule for him is: Do not annoy others unnecessarily.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were recently married. He is a Ph.D. student, and I am finishing my master's degree and looking for work. Due to our families' financial situations, we decided to elope to spare them the costs of a formal wedding.

We are on an extremely tight budget and only have two dining chairs, and no money for more. I have always loved entertaining, but now I am hesitant to do so because of our lack of dining chairs.

Can you please tell me if it is acceptable to invite another couple over for dinner if they will be seated in our dining chairs, while my husband and I sit on ottomans? I don't want to offend, but I would also love to entertain company.

GENTLE READER: Whew. Miss Manners thought she knew where you were heading and is thrilled to find out that she was mistaken.

Every other letter she has received in which newlyweds (or oldyweds) beg off from entertaining because they are lacking some equipment asks for a free pass not to reciprocate hospitality or suggests a scheme for getting donations from prospective guests.

Yes, of course you should go ahead and entertain. No guest worth having would be the least put off by your furniture arrangements.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I, like many, feel uneasy about asking for help in general areas of life. For example: rides to the airport, watching the children for an hour or painting a room. For myself, it is because I am afraid others will see me as needy and therefore will avoid me. So I avoid asking for even one thing.

I wish there was a common rule as to how often one could ask for large or small favors! A guideline similar to "overnight guests do not stay longer than three days" would be a wonderful relief. Do you have any recommendations as to how often one should ask for a favor?

GENTLE READER: Approximately as often as one does more or less comparable favors for the same people.

Miss Manners put those qualifiers in there to avoid quashing generosity toward those in need, even relatively trivial need. Friends, colleagues and neighbors ought to be prepared to do favors for one another without keeping an exact and immediate count of who does what for whom.

But for this to work, it must be basically reciprocal. Perhaps you do not drive, but you could shovel a neighbor's snow. The friend whose computer emergencies you keep solving should be glad to help paint your room. Whatever you can do for others will make you part of a network of mutually helpful people.

This is not to say that good people always expect to be paid in kind. Many will cheerfully comply with requests -- until they suddenly realize that the beneficiary just keeps asking but is never available when they need a favor.

At that point, even the most charitable souls begin to reflect that what they are giving is not favors but charity. And they may prefer to redirect their charity to those who cannot possibly pay for taxis, babysitters and painters.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've just been informed that only one space is needed after a period, but having learned to type on a typewriter, this confused me. Apparently (note, I'm still putting in two spaces), computer fonts no longer require two spaces after a period, but if you (whoever that may be) are typing on a typewriter, you should continue to do so?

GENTLE READER: Ordinarily, Miss Manners handles only those problems that are truly about etiquette. This is less of a limitation than one may think, considering that she defines etiquette as all human social behavior.

She does have a hard time fitting the relationship between sentences into that definition. However, as someone who vaguely remembers the typewriter as an attempt to replace the quill, she is too much interested in your question to pass it on to Miss Print, if such a creature exists.

Her answer is that while it is true that a computer does not require double spaces between sentences, you should continue to use two spaces on the typewriter. Partly this has to do with tradition. But mostly it has to do with the fact that anyone still using a typewriter has been at it too long to be retrained.

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