DEAR MISS MANNERS: I, like many, feel uneasy about asking for help in general areas of life. For example: rides to the airport, watching the children for an hour or painting a room. For myself, it is because I am afraid others will see me as needy and therefore will avoid me. So I avoid asking for even one thing.

I wish there was a common rule as to how often one could ask for large or small favors! A guideline similar to "overnight guests do not stay longer than three days" would be a wonderful relief. Do you have any recommendations as to how often one should ask for a favor?

GENTLE READER: Approximately as often as one does more or less comparable favors for the same people.

Miss Manners put those qualifiers in there to avoid quashing generosity toward those in need, even relatively trivial need. Friends, colleagues and neighbors ought to be prepared to do favors for one another without keeping an exact and immediate count of who does what for whom.

But for this to work, it must be basically reciprocal. Perhaps you do not drive, but you could shovel a neighbor's snow. The friend whose computer emergencies you keep solving should be glad to help paint your room. Whatever you can do for others will make you part of a network of mutually helpful people.

This is not to say that good people always expect to be paid in kind. Many will cheerfully comply with requests -- until they suddenly realize that the beneficiary just keeps asking but is never available when they need a favor.

At that point, even the most charitable souls begin to reflect that what they are giving is not favors but charity. And they may prefer to redirect their charity to those who cannot possibly pay for taxis, babysitters and painters.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've just been informed that only one space is needed after a period, but having learned to type on a typewriter, this confused me. Apparently (note, I'm still putting in two spaces), computer fonts no longer require two spaces after a period, but if you (whoever that may be) are typing on a typewriter, you should continue to do so?

GENTLE READER: Ordinarily, Miss Manners handles only those problems that are truly about etiquette. This is less of a limitation than one may think, considering that she defines etiquette as all human social behavior.

She does have a hard time fitting the relationship between sentences into that definition. However, as someone who vaguely remembers the typewriter as an attempt to replace the quill, she is too much interested in your question to pass it on to Miss Print, if such a creature exists.

Her answer is that while it is true that a computer does not require double spaces between sentences, you should continue to use two spaces on the typewriter. Partly this has to do with tradition. But mostly it has to do with the fact that anyone still using a typewriter has been at it too long to be retrained.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When at a restaurant, is it bad manners to "stack" (only dinner, saucer, bread) plates for the waitstaff to remove from the table?

GENTLE READER: Yes, and worse manners to ask to participate in the pooling of tips for having done some of the waiter's work.

Now, now. Miss Manners knows that you were only trying to help. But you would not be pleased if someone passing through your workplace started doing your job -- and probably doing it badly. A waiter who takes pride in his professionalism would never stack plates at the table, and could be in trouble if you made him appear to have done so.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few weeks ago, my husband and I invited a couple who are neighbors to a small cocktail party, just the four of us. They were supposed to arrive at our house at 6 p.m.

At 5 p.m. that same evening they called to ask us to postpone this party until the following night. I replied no and I mentioned that I had already prepared the food. Some of it I could not freeze again.

The wife mentioned that the husband had an emergency and could not make it. I was stunned then, and I'm still stunned today. When I looked outside, his car was parked in his spot at 6:15 p.m. I don't know how to react to this. To me, she should have maybe showed up for a short time to show us that this reason was legitimate and he could have joined us later.

I spoke to her later and she appears like nothing happened and does not care that we lost hundreds of dollars worth of food and the time it took us to prepare the party. This has never happened to me in 50 years. I had people cancel the day before, the morning of but never one hour before. How would Miss Manners react?

GENTLE READER: With amazement that cocktail food for four people could cost hundreds of dollars. What were you serving -- buckets of caviar? In that case you should have invited Miss Manners, who would have done it justice, and who would never dream of canceling an invitation she had accepted.

Come to think of it, caviar would not have taken hours of preparation -- a little shredded onion, hard-boiled egg and a few toast points would have been all you needed. What -- never mind. Miss Manners apologizes for getting distracted by the food.

The answer is that while your neighbors were wrong to treat the occasion so lightly, you are treating it rather heavily. Stopping by for drinks with the neighbors does sound like a casual event that could easily be postponed, in contrast to an elaborate cocktail party, which is presumed to involve major preparation and a goodly number of guests. Had you invited them for dinner -- and surely they could not have been expected to need dinner after the food you made -- perhaps they might have taken the invitation more seriously.

But it is open to you to make your point by inquiring sympathetically about the emergency -- is he all right? Is there anything you can do to help?

Just please do not admit to spying on his car. This proves nothing, as he could have been taken away in an ambulance, but is the sign of a creepy neighbor.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I understand that when declining a social invitation, social convention generally dictates that a polite yet plausible excuse be offered even if it isn't the real reason you are declining (e.g. I have to stay home and wash my hair), and that the person receiving such an excuse should accept it graciously and not question it or propose alternative solutions.

Is the same etiquette appropriate for requests made by a spouse, or may a spouse be more direct?

For example, suppose my husband invites me out to dinner, and I decline by saying my high heel has broken so I have no appropriate shoes to wear. Should he accept this as a final declination, or is it all right for him to propose a solution to my problem? For example if he says in reply, "You can wear your tennis shoes. This is not a particularly formal restaurant," is he being helpful by suggesting a solution to my problem, or is he being pushy when he should simply accept that I don't wish to go out?

GENTLE READER: He is being bewildered: "Honey, are we having guessing games for dinner again?"

You have your manners reversed. Your husband has a legitimate interest in knowing what pleases you and what doesn't; your hosts are just trying to get a body count.

Miss Manners assures you that no excuse is necessary when declining a social invitation -- only thanks and apologies: "I'm so very sorry we can't be there -- you are kind to invite us." One of the joys of marriage is the ability to say, "Oh, I don't know, I just don't feel like going out tonight. OK?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Unable to avoid an invitation to a potluck dinner, and, having been asked to bring a side dish, I made up a big batch of clam dip and brought chips to go with it. It was very well-received, though someone who had tried it and liked it asked what it was, and, on being informed it was clam dip, shouted across the room at me "Hey, thanks for warning me!"

As I had only the most casual acquaintance with him, I had no idea he was allergic to shellfish.

I understand that some people have food allergies, and that some of these are very serious, but on the other hand, whose responsibility is it to "warn" them? Should we now put labels on homemade dishes, indicating that they contain gluten, white sugar, shellfish, nuts, strawberries, chocolate, eggs or any of the other amazing panoply of allergy-provoking food elements that are out there? Or should the allergic person provide this information up front, or ask before tasting things? I'm rather at a loss.

GENTLE READER: No wonder. What a social life you have: Going to a party that Miss Manners gathers you would rather have avoided, being instructed to help cater the meal and then being bawled out for your trouble.

Miss Manners acknowledges that it is a basic rule of hospitality to avoid poisoning guests, whether or not they are unpleasant. This one certainly was, in blaming you for precautionary measures that his allergy requires him to make. However, he wasn't even your guest, so you had no way of querying him prior to deciding on your contribution. She pronounces you as innocent as he is rude.

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