DEAR MISS MANNERS: I understand that when declining a social invitation, social convention generally dictates that a polite yet plausible excuse be offered even if it isn't the real reason you are declining (e.g. I have to stay home and wash my hair), and that the person receiving such an excuse should accept it graciously and not question it or propose alternative solutions.

Is the same etiquette appropriate for requests made by a spouse, or may a spouse be more direct?

For example, suppose my husband invites me out to dinner, and I decline by saying my high heel has broken so I have no appropriate shoes to wear. Should he accept this as a final declination, or is it all right for him to propose a solution to my problem? For example if he says in reply, "You can wear your tennis shoes. This is not a particularly formal restaurant," is he being helpful by suggesting a solution to my problem, or is he being pushy when he should simply accept that I don't wish to go out?

GENTLE READER: He is being bewildered: "Honey, are we having guessing games for dinner again?"

You have your manners reversed. Your husband has a legitimate interest in knowing what pleases you and what doesn't; your hosts are just trying to get a body count.

Miss Manners assures you that no excuse is necessary when declining a social invitation -- only thanks and apologies: "I'm so very sorry we can't be there -- you are kind to invite us." One of the joys of marriage is the ability to say, "Oh, I don't know, I just don't feel like going out tonight. OK?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Unable to avoid an invitation to a potluck dinner, and, having been asked to bring a side dish, I made up a big batch of clam dip and brought chips to go with it. It was very well-received, though someone who had tried it and liked it asked what it was, and, on being informed it was clam dip, shouted across the room at me "Hey, thanks for warning me!"

As I had only the most casual acquaintance with him, I had no idea he was allergic to shellfish.

I understand that some people have food allergies, and that some of these are very serious, but on the other hand, whose responsibility is it to "warn" them? Should we now put labels on homemade dishes, indicating that they contain gluten, white sugar, shellfish, nuts, strawberries, chocolate, eggs or any of the other amazing panoply of allergy-provoking food elements that are out there? Or should the allergic person provide this information up front, or ask before tasting things? I'm rather at a loss.

GENTLE READER: No wonder. What a social life you have: Going to a party that Miss Manners gathers you would rather have avoided, being instructed to help cater the meal and then being bawled out for your trouble.

Miss Manners acknowledges that it is a basic rule of hospitality to avoid poisoning guests, whether or not they are unpleasant. This one certainly was, in blaming you for precautionary measures that his allergy requires him to make. However, he wasn't even your guest, so you had no way of querying him prior to deciding on your contribution. She pronounces you as innocent as he is rude.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please don't think I am being vulgar, but I need the solution to an unfortunate problem.

In a large gathering that includes children, someone inevitably passes gas. All the adults in the group immediately drop everything and lunge around, checking each child's pants and demanding to know who needs a clean diaper. It usually happens more than once, and obviously interrupts the flow of conversation and leads to embarrassment.

The worst example is a childless and keen-nosed lady of my acquaintance who persists in interrogating each of my children in turn, trying to track down the source of any odor. Meanwhile, the (adult) perpetrator squirms in embarrassment and waits for normal conversation to resume.

What's the solution, Miss Manners? Must someone finally make a shameful confession? Announce "Excuse me"? Should we pin the blame on one of the children and say, "Little Roy has had terrible gas all day"?

My sister just says, "Oh, that dog smells awful," but we don't have a dog. And in any case, I would prefer not to have to discuss body functions at all. Don't polite people overlook this issue altogether? What do you recommend?

GENTLE READER: That you all stop making a conspicuous game out of this, tempting a nonplayer to go for the championship.

It is true that the freelance interrogator is impolite, so as not to say a bit revolting; the passing of gas should go unmentioned. But you should be teaching manners to your children, not your contemporaries.

These children, who are old enough to be interrogated although young enough to be in diapers, are instead being taught that the contents of their diapers are of public interest. This is not a social habit that will endear them to others.

Miss Manners suggests that you begin practicing, as well as teaching, discretion. Instead of all the parents sniffing around like a bunch of hounds on the trail of a fox, each should quietly ask any of their own children who are under suspicions if they and you "need to be excused." This is the phrase the child should learn to use as you encourage him or her to volunteer the predicament to you without calling more attention to it than nature already has.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am engaged to a wonderful man, finally after three bad ones. One, the father of my 2 children, was from a different culture and we did not see eye to eye at all, one was a closet homosexual, and one a wife batterer. YEASH!

I know my fiance is my Mr. Right, as we have been living together now for three years. (If I had lived with the others before marriage it would have been over as soon as they showed their true colors.)

Anyway, my dilemma is this: Brides usually wear white or some shade of off white, cream or champagne. What color is acceptable for this situation? We will not have a large traditional wedding but a casual, island style, beachfront ceremony. I was thinking along the lines of a soft off-white feminine tea length dress in a natural fabric like cotton or muslin.

GENTLE READER: The notion that the color of the bride's dress advertises the, ah, state of her body, has fortunately gone its vulgar way. Miss Manners' opinion of that way of thinking was always -- YEASH! So enjoy your soft, off-white, etc., dress and best wishes to you.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have an acquaintance who is planning a "shop at the mall" birthday party for her preteen daughter. Both of our families have been blessed in that our incomes have not been affected by the recession, nonetheless I am aghast at her insensitivity.

It seems so rude to me, not only to assume that people have the discretionary income to fork out for a shopping spree, but to also put their daughters in the possible situation of seeing other girls get to spend more money than they. (Granted, this is a life lesson children have to learn at some point, but is an all-girl birthday party really the place for that?)

The mother has also categorically stated that she will not be funding the purchasing habits of the girls, which means parents will be buying gifts for the birthday girl AND their own children! I feel this birthday party is going to become more of an obligation than a celebration.

The mother asked for opinions on this party, but we are not close enough friends to where I felt able to state my feelings exactly. What was a polite way I could have pointed out the potential hurt feelings that might result?

And am I wrong in thinking this way? My daughter is much younger and not in the "birthday party circuit" yet. Is this how parties are now?

GENTLE READER: Only among those who believe that pubescent girls need to be encouraged to believe that it is their duty to keep stimulating the economy by buying things for the pure sake of buying. And, as you point out, also to shame their peers who cannot comply.

As your daughter is not directly affected, you needn't be involved, and as you do not know the mother well, you could shrug this off. People who ask around for opinions usually want only validation.

But Miss Manners understands that you are thinking ahead to when you could be the only parent to tell her daughter that no, you are not financing a shopping spree for her every time someone she knows has a birthday. It would be easier to say it now.

You should speak gently and thoughtfully, as if the inventor of this scheme might come to agree: "Well, it's just not the kind of thing we would participate in.

I'd worry that Amantha's friends might not have the money to spend, or that their parents might feel that they don't want to encourage extravagance."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My stepfather recently passed away, is it proper for me to send a sympathy card to my mother? They were married when I was 21 and were married for 28 years.

GENTLE READER: A card? Your mother lost her husband, and all you are suggesting in the way of comforting her is to send a card?

Miss Manners is aware that an industry exists that assures people that its canned messages are caring and even -- in commercial doublespeak -- personal.

No -- personal is still done personally. If you cannot visit your mother, you can at least telephone and write. If you have pleasant memories of your stepfather, this is the time to share them; but even if you don't, you can listen respectfully to hers and assure her that you feel for her and are ready to help in adjustments she might have to make in her living arrangements.

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