DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend and I were sitting at our kitchen table having a beer the other night. He accidentally knocked his beer over, spilling some out onto the table before it could be turned upright.

I was absolutely shocked when he proceeded to loudly suck up the spilled beer from the table.

My face apparently showed my shock. A long argument then ensued over the questionable appropriateness of his action and my reaction.

Can you please help me to better articulate why sucking up a spilled drink from a table is just flat wrong?

GENTLE READER: Try explaining that any behavior that would be considered offensive in a dog is also offensive in a human being (although you needn't alarm your pet because the reverse is not necessarily true).

Miss Manners suggests that you head off further trouble by informing your beau that just as he is barred from licking the table when he is thirsty, he is also barred from chewing your slippers when he is hungry.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can you please tell me if there was once a napkin-fold rule to let your host know whether or not you enjoyed the meal by leaving your napkin folded toward or away from the rim of the plate?

GENTLE READER: Thus enabling the hosts to run around the table afterwards to check whether their guests praised or panned the meal?

Where, Miss Manners wonders, would you get such an idea?

The proper way to inform your hosts that you enjoyed the meal is to thank them, both at the time and the next day in a letter. There is no way to register dissatisfaction.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother is in the Army and just got sent overseas. I plan on having him in my wedding. I got an e-mail from him stating. "I am wearing my Class As in your wedding."

I am very proud of my brother but feel that it's "our day" (my fiance and me) and not all about him showing off his outfit. We have other friends in the wedding who are in the Navy, and we don't want them in their Class A's either.

I told my bother that my fiance and I decided that we would like him to be consistent with everyone else in the wedding party and dress the same as the other guys, in tuxes. He then told me I was being disrespectful by telling him he can't wear his Class As, that they are to be worn to show that he has fought for our country and he proudly displays that.

Am I being a bridezilla by telling him to dress in a tux?

GENTLE READER: You sure are.

The classic sign of a bridezilla is to regard her wedding as an occasion for showing off, for which potential rivals must be squelched. A proper bride regards her wedding as a solemn yet festive occasion that involves two families and their friends, such as they are.

Miss Manners does acknowledge that you may specify formal dress for the wedding and hope for the best. But first you must educate yourself on the subject: The Class A military uniform IS formal dress.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in one side of a duplex, the other half of which is occupied by what seems to be a nice, normal younger couple (low- to mid-30s.)

We have exchanged a few short, pleasant conversations about lawn care and the weather and such, but not much past that.

The other day I was sitting on my couch and I spied the man of the couple peering in my bathroom window for a good 30 seconds or so. I didn't move or say anything, just watched him, unsure what to do.

I do have curtains up, but I wish I could feel comfortable letting some light in without worrying about Peeping Toms.

Is there a polite way to address this with him? I keep trying to think of an innocent reason why he'd be looking in my windows and am bothered by not being able to find an answer. Should I talk to him about it? If so, how?

GENTLE READER: It certainly isn't easy to find an innocent excuse. Miss Manners has been trying -- not because she hopes to find a plausible one, but as an opener for letting the neighbor know that he is observed while observing.

"I saw you looking into our bathroom window the other day," you might say in an ordinary tone of voice. "Did you suspect something wrong?"

It will then be the neighbor's turn to think of a respectable excuse, but in any case, he will have been warned. If he does it again, or if you see him peeking into other houses, it will be time to report this as not being an accident, but a crime.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We bought Christmas presents for many of our young acquaintances, from a well-known maker of quality toys. We mailed them around the country, and the children seemed to enjoy them very much.

We learned this week that the toy has been recalled due to short circuits. We immediately forwarded the e-mail and the refund link to all the parents involved, with our sincere apologies. Is this a sufficient response?

The thought that we put any of these children in danger horrifies us, as we acted in good faith. In addition to the refund, should we send another toy, or a cash gift, along with a note? This seems to be a problem that is becoming more common, and I am hoping you could suggest some guidelines.

GENTLE READER: The thought that you would have to start Christmas shopping all over again exhausts Miss Manners, so she can imagine how it strikes you. Yet she understands your frustration that, through no fault of yours, the toys with which you pleased those children were confiscated from them.

Sending checks seems superfluous, as the refunds will provide the parents with money for replacement toys. Notes of apology to the children (with simple explanations about safety, if they are old enough to understand) with token presents would be charming, but not necessary.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend asked me to take her daughter to a school event with my children. I said yes and added, "But first you have to read her the Riot Act."

She asked what I meant. I explained that the last time she and I had eaten dinner at a restaurant together with our respective children, every time she left the table, Trixy misbehaved, throwing sesame seeds at me and my children, grabbing my daughter and initiating a wrestling match with her, and making distasteful comments about the food's looking like "spit."

She defended her daughter as "playful," saying, "I guess we just have different standards." When I said I simply wished to be sure that she would behave when I am responsible for her at the school event, she curtly said she would find someone else to take her. She is now angry with me and refuses to speak to me. Was I wrong?

GENTLE READER: Or just lucky?

If Miss Manners had a friend whose standard of behavior included hurling food, blows and insults, she would be only too grateful for the silent treatment and the knowledge that someone else will assume the job of being the child's target.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How much fun should hosts of a party have at their own event? I am not asking facetiously. Five years ago, my husband and I started the tradition of a Superbowl party. We prepare lots of food and drinks and offer prizes at the end of the evening. Our friends have told us they look forward to it all year.

However, the days leading up to the event are immensely stressful. My husband and I always end up fighting, the weekend is completely lost to cleaning and cooking, and I'm a zombie for two days afterward. I can't even remember the last time I watched the game, since I now spend the broadcast refilling dip bowls.

So the question is, do we keep doing it? My husband says the answer's easy -- if it's not fun, we can just stop. I don't think it's that simple. Our friends are generous people who frequently invite us over for Christmas and Halloween parties.

I feel we should reciprocate at least once a year -- even if we're not terribly enjoying ourselves.

GENTLE READER: Each of you has half of the answer; you just need to put the two halves together.

Miss Manners agrees with your husband that you should not be giving parties you do not enjoy. Grumpy hosts put a pall on a party, even if their guests are too focused on the screen to notice them much. Even more vehemently, she agrees with you that you need to reciprocate the hospitality you have enjoyed.

So -- what is it that you do enjoy? Having people in smaller groups for dinner or perhaps brunch? Summer picnics? Skating parties? Your choice, as long as you find ways to entertain the people who entertain you.

It is not easy to end an annual party. Of course people should not come to expect invitations -- but they do. Some may have declined other invitations in anticipation of yours.

Miss Manners suggests warning people that you will not be giving yours, but want, instead, to enjoy your friends on occasions where you will be more easily able to talk -- and to follow that up with such invitations.

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