DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in one side of a duplex, the other half of which is occupied by what seems to be a nice, normal younger couple (low- to mid-30s.)

We have exchanged a few short, pleasant conversations about lawn care and the weather and such, but not much past that.

The other day I was sitting on my couch and I spied the man of the couple peering in my bathroom window for a good 30 seconds or so. I didn't move or say anything, just watched him, unsure what to do.

I do have curtains up, but I wish I could feel comfortable letting some light in without worrying about Peeping Toms.

Is there a polite way to address this with him? I keep trying to think of an innocent reason why he'd be looking in my windows and am bothered by not being able to find an answer. Should I talk to him about it? If so, how?

GENTLE READER: It certainly isn't easy to find an innocent excuse. Miss Manners has been trying -- not because she hopes to find a plausible one, but as an opener for letting the neighbor know that he is observed while observing.

"I saw you looking into our bathroom window the other day," you might say in an ordinary tone of voice. "Did you suspect something wrong?"

It will then be the neighbor's turn to think of a respectable excuse, but in any case, he will have been warned. If he does it again, or if you see him peeking into other houses, it will be time to report this as not being an accident, but a crime.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We bought Christmas presents for many of our young acquaintances, from a well-known maker of quality toys. We mailed them around the country, and the children seemed to enjoy them very much.

We learned this week that the toy has been recalled due to short circuits. We immediately forwarded the e-mail and the refund link to all the parents involved, with our sincere apologies. Is this a sufficient response?

The thought that we put any of these children in danger horrifies us, as we acted in good faith. In addition to the refund, should we send another toy, or a cash gift, along with a note? This seems to be a problem that is becoming more common, and I am hoping you could suggest some guidelines.

GENTLE READER: The thought that you would have to start Christmas shopping all over again exhausts Miss Manners, so she can imagine how it strikes you. Yet she understands your frustration that, through no fault of yours, the toys with which you pleased those children were confiscated from them.

Sending checks seems superfluous, as the refunds will provide the parents with money for replacement toys. Notes of apology to the children (with simple explanations about safety, if they are old enough to understand) with token presents would be charming, but not necessary.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend asked me to take her daughter to a school event with my children. I said yes and added, "But first you have to read her the Riot Act."

She asked what I meant. I explained that the last time she and I had eaten dinner at a restaurant together with our respective children, every time she left the table, Trixy misbehaved, throwing sesame seeds at me and my children, grabbing my daughter and initiating a wrestling match with her, and making distasteful comments about the food's looking like "spit."

She defended her daughter as "playful," saying, "I guess we just have different standards." When I said I simply wished to be sure that she would behave when I am responsible for her at the school event, she curtly said she would find someone else to take her. She is now angry with me and refuses to speak to me. Was I wrong?

GENTLE READER: Or just lucky?

If Miss Manners had a friend whose standard of behavior included hurling food, blows and insults, she would be only too grateful for the silent treatment and the knowledge that someone else will assume the job of being the child's target.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How much fun should hosts of a party have at their own event? I am not asking facetiously. Five years ago, my husband and I started the tradition of a Superbowl party. We prepare lots of food and drinks and offer prizes at the end of the evening. Our friends have told us they look forward to it all year.

However, the days leading up to the event are immensely stressful. My husband and I always end up fighting, the weekend is completely lost to cleaning and cooking, and I'm a zombie for two days afterward. I can't even remember the last time I watched the game, since I now spend the broadcast refilling dip bowls.

So the question is, do we keep doing it? My husband says the answer's easy -- if it's not fun, we can just stop. I don't think it's that simple. Our friends are generous people who frequently invite us over for Christmas and Halloween parties.

I feel we should reciprocate at least once a year -- even if we're not terribly enjoying ourselves.

GENTLE READER: Each of you has half of the answer; you just need to put the two halves together.

Miss Manners agrees with your husband that you should not be giving parties you do not enjoy. Grumpy hosts put a pall on a party, even if their guests are too focused on the screen to notice them much. Even more vehemently, she agrees with you that you need to reciprocate the hospitality you have enjoyed.

So -- what is it that you do enjoy? Having people in smaller groups for dinner or perhaps brunch? Summer picnics? Skating parties? Your choice, as long as you find ways to entertain the people who entertain you.

It is not easy to end an annual party. Of course people should not come to expect invitations -- but they do. Some may have declined other invitations in anticipation of yours.

Miss Manners suggests warning people that you will not be giving yours, but want, instead, to enjoy your friends on occasions where you will be more easily able to talk -- and to follow that up with such invitations.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Has anyone else noticed the intrusive questions being asked by clerks or salespeople under the guise of friendliness? In stores or banks now I am asked: "How is your day going so far?" When I have had a difficult day, I wonder, does the questioner really want to know, especially if I'm dealing with some difficult issues? Should I tell them the details just so they will learn that it is an inappropriate question?

Last night at the bank I was asked, "What are your plans for the evening?"

Anything I could say to indicate my displeasure with the nosy question (e.g., "None of your business") would be rude, and I am sure that these individuals are being told to do this by their managers, so I do not want to take it out on them. (A friend suggested I say, "I'm going to bury my husband.")

I now yearn for the days when I got away with the simple phrase "Have a nice day!" (which, mercifully, required little or no response on my part). How would you advise discouraging this intrusiveness?

GENTLE READER: Whoever came up with the idea of substituting pseudo-friendliness for cheerful professionalism in commerce has a lot to answer for. The phrases Miss Manners likes to hear are not inquiries into her habits and psyche, but a simple greeting and "May I help you?"

Fortunately, unanswerable questions need not be answered. Acknowledged, out of common decency, but not answered. Any pleasantry will do -- "Good afternoon" for example -- before you get down to business by asking "Do you carry canary cages?" or whatever it was that you took you there. It probably wasn't the hope of making friends.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I teach math to struggling students at an elementary school. Yesterday, our school principal decided to hold his own tutoring session for the fifth graders. Unfortunately, he taught them an incorrect method for comparing fractions. This came to my attention later that same day when the students told me what they learned. They got every math problem I gave them wrong because they were using the principal's method to compare fractions. I know his method was incorrect because I checked the answers in the answer book and arrived at the same answers on my own.

I'm wondering, how can I tell the students that what the principal taught them was incorrect, and how should I approach the principal to inform him of this problem?

GENTLE READER: As a mathematician, you are understandably accustomed to thinking in terms of Right and Wrong. Allow Miss Manners to introduce you to the world of diplomacy, where there is -- theoretically -- no such choice (because when there is, diplomacy is abandoned for war).

There are, instead, misunderstandings. Being misunderstood is not insulting; indeed, people love to claim that they are being misunderstood.

Thus you can tell your principal that the children must have misunderstood his instructions, because they are doing X and getting thus getting the wrong answers, whereas, as you and he both know, the correct method is Y. You can then suggest that he return to the classroom to clarify what he meant, but add that you would be glad to do this for him.

: