DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend asked me to take her daughter to a school event with my children. I said yes and added, "But first you have to read her the Riot Act."

She asked what I meant. I explained that the last time she and I had eaten dinner at a restaurant together with our respective children, every time she left the table, Trixy misbehaved, throwing sesame seeds at me and my children, grabbing my daughter and initiating a wrestling match with her, and making distasteful comments about the food's looking like "spit."

She defended her daughter as "playful," saying, "I guess we just have different standards." When I said I simply wished to be sure that she would behave when I am responsible for her at the school event, she curtly said she would find someone else to take her. She is now angry with me and refuses to speak to me. Was I wrong?

GENTLE READER: Or just lucky?

If Miss Manners had a friend whose standard of behavior included hurling food, blows and insults, she would be only too grateful for the silent treatment and the knowledge that someone else will assume the job of being the child's target.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How much fun should hosts of a party have at their own event? I am not asking facetiously. Five years ago, my husband and I started the tradition of a Superbowl party. We prepare lots of food and drinks and offer prizes at the end of the evening. Our friends have told us they look forward to it all year.

However, the days leading up to the event are immensely stressful. My husband and I always end up fighting, the weekend is completely lost to cleaning and cooking, and I'm a zombie for two days afterward. I can't even remember the last time I watched the game, since I now spend the broadcast refilling dip bowls.

So the question is, do we keep doing it? My husband says the answer's easy -- if it's not fun, we can just stop. I don't think it's that simple. Our friends are generous people who frequently invite us over for Christmas and Halloween parties.

I feel we should reciprocate at least once a year -- even if we're not terribly enjoying ourselves.

GENTLE READER: Each of you has half of the answer; you just need to put the two halves together.

Miss Manners agrees with your husband that you should not be giving parties you do not enjoy. Grumpy hosts put a pall on a party, even if their guests are too focused on the screen to notice them much. Even more vehemently, she agrees with you that you need to reciprocate the hospitality you have enjoyed.

So -- what is it that you do enjoy? Having people in smaller groups for dinner or perhaps brunch? Summer picnics? Skating parties? Your choice, as long as you find ways to entertain the people who entertain you.

It is not easy to end an annual party. Of course people should not come to expect invitations -- but they do. Some may have declined other invitations in anticipation of yours.

Miss Manners suggests warning people that you will not be giving yours, but want, instead, to enjoy your friends on occasions where you will be more easily able to talk -- and to follow that up with such invitations.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Has anyone else noticed the intrusive questions being asked by clerks or salespeople under the guise of friendliness? In stores or banks now I am asked: "How is your day going so far?" When I have had a difficult day, I wonder, does the questioner really want to know, especially if I'm dealing with some difficult issues? Should I tell them the details just so they will learn that it is an inappropriate question?

Last night at the bank I was asked, "What are your plans for the evening?"

Anything I could say to indicate my displeasure with the nosy question (e.g., "None of your business") would be rude, and I am sure that these individuals are being told to do this by their managers, so I do not want to take it out on them. (A friend suggested I say, "I'm going to bury my husband.")

I now yearn for the days when I got away with the simple phrase "Have a nice day!" (which, mercifully, required little or no response on my part). How would you advise discouraging this intrusiveness?

GENTLE READER: Whoever came up with the idea of substituting pseudo-friendliness for cheerful professionalism in commerce has a lot to answer for. The phrases Miss Manners likes to hear are not inquiries into her habits and psyche, but a simple greeting and "May I help you?"

Fortunately, unanswerable questions need not be answered. Acknowledged, out of common decency, but not answered. Any pleasantry will do -- "Good afternoon" for example -- before you get down to business by asking "Do you carry canary cages?" or whatever it was that you took you there. It probably wasn't the hope of making friends.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I teach math to struggling students at an elementary school. Yesterday, our school principal decided to hold his own tutoring session for the fifth graders. Unfortunately, he taught them an incorrect method for comparing fractions. This came to my attention later that same day when the students told me what they learned. They got every math problem I gave them wrong because they were using the principal's method to compare fractions. I know his method was incorrect because I checked the answers in the answer book and arrived at the same answers on my own.

I'm wondering, how can I tell the students that what the principal taught them was incorrect, and how should I approach the principal to inform him of this problem?

GENTLE READER: As a mathematician, you are understandably accustomed to thinking in terms of Right and Wrong. Allow Miss Manners to introduce you to the world of diplomacy, where there is -- theoretically -- no such choice (because when there is, diplomacy is abandoned for war).

There are, instead, misunderstandings. Being misunderstood is not insulting; indeed, people love to claim that they are being misunderstood.

Thus you can tell your principal that the children must have misunderstood his instructions, because they are doing X and getting thus getting the wrong answers, whereas, as you and he both know, the correct method is Y. You can then suggest that he return to the classroom to clarify what he meant, but add that you would be glad to do this for him.

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(EDITORS In the last Q&A, Miss Manners is intentionally responding to a sentence fragment. )

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently became a widower following my late wife's lengthy illness. After her diagnosis, we both had time to plan both her final arrangements and for my one day becoming the surviving spouse. This was never a pleasant consideration, but I do feel that it prepared us well for the inevitable.

We discovered during her illness that there are two fairly distinct groups of well-wishers: The first is those who genuinely but matter-of-factly say: "How are you doing? We're so sorry to hear of your condition and hope your recovery is going smoothly. Please let us know if we can do anything to help," and then promptly get back to the business of conversing with the living.

The second is the group who approach with hang-dog faces, tilted heads sad puppy dog eyes, and almost moan out essentially the same sentiment but never seem to want to get off the subject. (This seems a bit incendiary for Miss Manners, but we came to refer to the latter group as "grief groupies.")

A few weeks after her passing, I attended my first subdued social event as a widower. I enjoyed the company and dinner but left somewhat early, being the only single among a small crowd of couples.

After my departure, my closest friend was approached by someone who said,

"How's Ed really doing?" My friend assured him that I was handling things as well as could be expected and seemed to be doing a good job of getting on with my life.

The "well-wisher" assured my friend, based on some past personal experience, that was probably not the case at all and proceeded to ramble on about how griefstricken I must be.

I'm sorely tempted to reply to such people with something akin to, "I'm doing well except for those people who seemingly won't be happy until I'm miserable," but I know better than that. My parents (and my wife) raised me to handle situations like this with as much grace as one is able to muster, but it just infuriates me to be told how I'm supposed to grieve.

It's difficult enough as it is without being chastised for my technique!

I learned from my wife (who had to repeatedly handle this during her illness) to be as pleasant as possible as briefly as possible but to eventually cut off excessive grieving with, "Well, surely there must be something more interesting to talk about than this. How have you and Mrs. Buttinski been doing?"

Would Miss Manners be so kind as to offer some other techniques for handling the "overly grieving"?

GENTLE READER: It is a particular plague of modern society that everyone considers himself a freelance therapist, serving humanity by telling others how they feel.

You were fortunate that your wife gave you such a good example. Miss Manners can only adapt for your situation. You can hardly say that your loss is uninteresting. But you can say, in a tone speaking more of sensitivity than

indignation, "It's not something I care to discuss" if you immediately follow that, as your wife did, by asking a politely neutral question about the speaker.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How to behave at family reunion?

GENTLE READER: So as not to disgrace the family. Miss Manners imagines that you know better than she what would do it.

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