(EDITORS In the last Q&A, Miss Manners is intentionally responding to a sentence fragment. )

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently became a widower following my late wife's lengthy illness. After her diagnosis, we both had time to plan both her final arrangements and for my one day becoming the surviving spouse. This was never a pleasant consideration, but I do feel that it prepared us well for the inevitable.

We discovered during her illness that there are two fairly distinct groups of well-wishers: The first is those who genuinely but matter-of-factly say: "How are you doing? We're so sorry to hear of your condition and hope your recovery is going smoothly. Please let us know if we can do anything to help," and then promptly get back to the business of conversing with the living.

The second is the group who approach with hang-dog faces, tilted heads sad puppy dog eyes, and almost moan out essentially the same sentiment but never seem to want to get off the subject. (This seems a bit incendiary for Miss Manners, but we came to refer to the latter group as "grief groupies.")

A few weeks after her passing, I attended my first subdued social event as a widower. I enjoyed the company and dinner but left somewhat early, being the only single among a small crowd of couples.

After my departure, my closest friend was approached by someone who said,

"How's Ed really doing?" My friend assured him that I was handling things as well as could be expected and seemed to be doing a good job of getting on with my life.

The "well-wisher" assured my friend, based on some past personal experience, that was probably not the case at all and proceeded to ramble on about how griefstricken I must be.

I'm sorely tempted to reply to such people with something akin to, "I'm doing well except for those people who seemingly won't be happy until I'm miserable," but I know better than that. My parents (and my wife) raised me to handle situations like this with as much grace as one is able to muster, but it just infuriates me to be told how I'm supposed to grieve.

It's difficult enough as it is without being chastised for my technique!

I learned from my wife (who had to repeatedly handle this during her illness) to be as pleasant as possible as briefly as possible but to eventually cut off excessive grieving with, "Well, surely there must be something more interesting to talk about than this. How have you and Mrs. Buttinski been doing?"

Would Miss Manners be so kind as to offer some other techniques for handling the "overly grieving"?

GENTLE READER: It is a particular plague of modern society that everyone considers himself a freelance therapist, serving humanity by telling others how they feel.

You were fortunate that your wife gave you such a good example. Miss Manners can only adapt for your situation. You can hardly say that your loss is uninteresting. But you can say, in a tone speaking more of sensitivity than

indignation, "It's not something I care to discuss" if you immediately follow that, as your wife did, by asking a politely neutral question about the speaker.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How to behave at family reunion?

GENTLE READER: So as not to disgrace the family. Miss Manners imagines that you know better than she what would do it.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: At the DMV for an extended wait to renew my license, I was reading my book and eating the sunflower seeds I brought to occupy my time.

Suddenly, a person from the row behind me (a person I had neither seen nor spoken to prior) taps me on the shoulder and says, "Can I have some of those?"

I shook my head, "No." Frankly I felt that person had "overstepped".

I seem to be the only one not horrified by my response ...Was I wrong? Is there no boundary to sharing?

Had I been in a conversation with or sitting next to the person, I might have offered the food on my own. I may have felt more compelled to "share" if asked to do so, but it seemed rude to me for a total stranger to approach me from behind and request some of my food!

GENTLE READER: How extended was the wait at the Department of Motor Vehicles?

Miss Manners wonders if this person hadn't had a meal in days, for fear of losing his place in line.

As for stepping out of line in the other sense, of course that person did. He didn't even say "please." But then you didn't even say "sorry," and it was probably your curt response that horrified people rather than your decision not to hand around your snack.

One rudeness does not excuse another. You should have shaken your head as if in regret and said, "Sorry, I only brought these to sustain myself. There might be a vending machine around here somewhere, and I'll be glad to hold your place."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been trying to find out when reading is rude. My husband and I share a home with my sister. She reads a lot, which is fine; however, I think it is rude to come into a room or to a table when we are there having a conversation and sit and start reading. She doesn't get it!

Today I asked her if she would like some wine and cheese and crackers and she said yes, then came and started reading her book. I THINK IT IS RUDE. Is there a book or article you know of on the subject? To me reading a newspaper or a magazine is different then being engrossed in a novel. Do I have a valid point?

GENTLE READER: If you do, Miss Manners cannot figure out what it is.

Your sister is not a guest; she lives with you. Is she not entitled to use the common rooms of the house for the harmless pastime of reading? Do you suspect she is there to listen to private conversation, in which case, why don't you hold it in your private room? What on earth is the difference what she is reading?

Perhaps you simply want more of her company. In that case, Miss Manners suggests inviting her to agree to regular family meals, at which reading would indeed be rude.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I spent the Christmas afternoons of my childhood at the playroom table, drafting and writing thank-you notes, and am currently putting my own children through this ritual. Until this year, they have been reasonably good sports about it, but thanks to a very good friend that has all changed. This year they are actually positive about the experience.

What changed? They received a thank you letter.

Every year, they make or choose (with helpful parental guidance) presents for a number of relations and close friends, for which they are thanked, either in person or by phone. But this year, a friend took the trouble to write each of them a brief but very nice letter of thanks.

It made me wonder why nobody in our family had thought of it sooner. Of course it is easier to understand why you write thank you notes when you have been the recipient of one yourself.

A few of us have agreed to see that each others' children get at least a couple of thank you notes, by way of encouragement. This year, I managed to get my own mother -- who would have seven kinds of fits if the children didn't write her a thank you note, but who had never written one to them -- to do so. The children were thrilled by how much Grammy had clearly liked the presents that they had chosen for her, and pleased with the idea that they could give somebody else the great feeling that a thank you letter can bring.

I can't say that the moment lasted very long, but it lasted long enough to get their letters written, and it's something to build on.

GENTLE READER: Of the various solutions proposed to the widespread no-thanks from-children problem, Miss Manners likes this the best -- and not only because it reminds the etiquette-conscious not to except politeness without practicing it.

Others in desperation have tried sending boxes of writing paper, or even self-addressed, fill-in-the-blanks forms. This does not inspire many children to shout, "Wow! Let's go write some letters!" Parental shame followed by parental cooperation will do it, but parental shame is in short supply among those who haven't already taught such lessons.

Rather, they have been known to repeat the blatantly self-serving canard that true generosity expects no thanks -- as if any religious or ethical system countenances grabbing blessings and running without acknowledging their source.

Miss Manners has always believed that people who ignore their benefactors are (in addition to being rude) unhappy with the benefits, and therefore the kindest reaction is to stop conferring them. But she is not insensible to the argument that this deprives children who have never been taught to thank, rather than the parents who failed to teach gratitude.

So she is especially glad to hear of others' stepping in to support the efforts of parents who are doing the difficult job of teaching gratitude, which requires not only setting out the rules, but imparting a sense of empathy with which we are not born.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have heard of a rule saying that newlyweds should not have overnight guests for one year -- not even parents. I have used three different search engines to try to find this rule but have not been successful.

Do you know of this rule? If so, what is the purpose of it?

GENTLE READER: You will have to ask the people who told you about it, because it does not appear in the annals of etiquette. Miss Manners hopes that the people who falsely declared it a rule are not your recently married children.

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