DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm a 16-year-old girl, and while I love my mother, she complains about things WAY too much. And things I can't help her with: how busy she is, how much her back hurts, how bad other drivers on the road are -- jeez!

At least half of the conversations I have with her are like that. It's so annoying to have to listen to someone complain all the time, and even worse, when I don't do a good enough job faking interest, she gets annoyed with me for "not caring."

I wish I could just tell my mom, "You complain too much. I don't enjoy listening to it" but of course, she would get very offended and make a fuss about it (she's really touchy too, which also gets annoying).

I feel like living with her is like walking on eggshells, and she is a bit of a baby about things. How can I get her to stop acting in a way that bothers me -- without her taking it personally?

GENTLE READER: By showing you care, just as your mother said -- but not just as she hopes. Feeding her moroseness by commiserating is not only tiresome, as you well know, but counterproductive.

"Mother," Miss Manners suggest you say the next time you hear a complaint, no matter how trivial, "I'm worried about you. Every little thing seems to bother you. There must be something deeper that is wrong. I'm too young to know how to deal with it, but please find someone who can."

Now there may or may not be something deeper wrong. Some people are just in the habit of grousing, and mighty tedious they are, too, Miss Manners agrees.

In either case, your mother is likely to deny that she is doing anything more than reacting to stupidity of others and the injustice of fate. However, if you repeat the Deeper Concern statement each time she voices a meaningless complaint, she may think about it. It could lead her to deal with her emotions, but at the very least it will make her aware of how easily and often she complains. And it will remove her ability to complain that you do not care.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are having a Christmas Party on Saturday night. We have lived in this neighborhood for almost a year.

The party will be large (125 people), and we will be outdoors in the backyard (we live in a warm area). We do not want to disturb our neighbors.

But we also want to play music and be festive and have fun. We do not know our neighbors well on either side So, do we invite them? Send them a courtesy note of our plans? Or just party away?

GENTLE READER: Party away until they call the police to complain about the noise? Why would you want to do that?

This strikes Miss Manners as the ideal way to become acquainted with the neighbors. The party is large, so it can absorb them even if they're not destined to become your friends. Furthermore, if they decline, they either have other engagements that night, in which case you won't disturb them, or they will feel bad enough about rejecting your overture to put up with the noise.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper for a lady to button or unbutton her jacket in a business interview?

GENTLE READER: Madam, please! Make your clothing adjustments before you arrive. You would not want to draw attention, in a job interview, to your chest.

But then again, Miss Manners is presuming that you are applying for a respectable job.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: See, I can use someone's preferred title, even when I do not prefer it for myself.

Seriously, though, I am becoming increasingly annoyed of late with my social circle, many of whom insist on addressing me, a thirtysomething unmarried woman, as "Miss" -- a title I associate with small children and genteel ladies of another generation, such as yourself, who prefer it.

It's bad enough when I'm given a choice of how their small children should use "Miss" -- either with my first or last name -- rather than allowed to state my own preference (and always in the children's presence, when an argument would be in bad form); but I loathe it when women, always other women, who know perfectly well what I prefer insist on addressing envelopes to me with "Miss."

If pressed into a choice on conversational address, I will accept the common Southern form of "Miss" with a first name because that is given to women of all ages in the South, regardless of marital status.

But is there anything I can do to make known my dislike for "Miss" on envelopes? I've thought about misaddressing those who know full well what they are doing as "Ms." on social invitations to them. (They, of course, prefer "Mrs." with their first name and last, rather than the correct form of "Mrs." with their husband's full name.)

I might feel better at the moment, and if it is mentioned, I could feign ignorance and say, "Really? Let me write down your preference. Good, got it. Here's how I prefer my invitations addressed."

But would Miss Manners allow it or think this form of social revenge to be rude? I'd appreciate your help in remaining gracious under pressure.

GENTLE READER: You cannot imagine -- evidently -- how weary Miss Manners is of hearing idiosyncratic interpretations of female terms of respect: "It makes me feel old," "It's disrespectful to my husband," "My husband doesn't own me," and so on.

These are courtesy titles, ladies (and no, please don't tell Miss Manners how bad "ladies" makes you feel). They are not intended to characterize you, other than as a female who is due respect.

The trouble is that there are too many of them. Uncharacteristically, etiquette has offered a choice.

Bad idea. It has only led to squabbling when no insults were intended and declarations of feelings when no such outbursts were required.

Funny -- gentlemen just have "Mr.," and yet most of them manage to open their mail without carrying on about how the envelope makes them feel.

You are right that people should address you as you wish to be addressed, and that it is ridiculously complicated to find out, in each case, how that is. So a lot of tolerance is required when people guess wrong.

Chances are that if the message isn't insulting, the address is not meant to be, either.

That's why we prefer standardized etiquette rules, folks.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a long-time Gentle Reader, I am usually loathe to complain about the vagaries and insults of modern life (knowing full well that it does no good, generally), but I herewith tender an observation about the new "seasons."

Those that used to be called spring, summer, fall and winter now seem to have devolved into two "procurement seasons": that of spring and summer graduation and wedding "procurements," and that of Christmas or holiday "procurements."

By this I mean requests for money after having had the gifts already chosen by the recipients or their family members. I was just asked to send a check to cover "my" Christmas gift for a child, the parents having chosen what the child wanted and then dunning the "giver" for the cost.

Of course, I was reassured that a card bearing my name would be placed in the appropriate spot on the package. Comforting, indeed.

Call me old-fashioned, but I do recall a time when it was a pleasure to seek out the perfect gift, and watch the recipient open said gift with what one hoped would be surprise and joy. It would appear this charming ceremony has gone the way of crinoline petticoats and white gloves.

And whilst I am about it, very often the "request" amounts are usually more than the "giver" would have chosen to spend, propelling said unhappy "giver" into penury, or, at the very least, straightened circumstances.

GENTLE READER: You know what? You do not have to comply with this form of extortion. These requests are not binding debts. You may use your own judgment and budget in selecting presents, and if the recipients object, you may consider that they neither understand nor welcome true giving.

What most troubles Miss Manners is that the practice of soliciting funds and prechosen goods is so commonplace that many -- perhaps most -- people now think it is respectable to demand handouts. A once-proud people have become beggars, not from necessity but from greed.

It will only change if people like you (if there are any left, other than you and Miss Manners) refuse to comply with these outrageous demands.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am upset regarding the way someone went about the purchase of a Christmas gift for a supervisor.

My husband's co-worker took it upon herself, without anyone else's knowledge, to purchase a gift for the boss that cost over $500, and then notified the rest of the group that they were expected to contribute $50 each.

I was outraged to find out that she had committed us to that amount with no consultation whatsoever. My concern is for not only myself, but for the other families who were involved that may not have had that amount to give without a second thought.

Although Christmas is a time for giving, I think that everyone's financial situations and preferences should be considered before committing an entire group to that high of a dollar amount. After all, who wants the embarrassment of telling a co-worker that you cannot afford an amount that they have deemed as so "reasonable"?

GENTLE READER: What is unreasonable is for employees to give Christmas presents to their boss. If anyone, it should be the boss giving to the employees, preferably in the form of a year-end bonus.

Miss Manners understands that your husband is reluctant to plead poverty and advises him to enlist colleagues -- they can't all be eager to toddy to the supervisor with an expensive present -- to protest the expense, if not the concept. He can suggest that the instigator either return the present or be entirely responsible for the debt that no one else authorized.

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