DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 20-year-old college student with an Internet-savvy mother who loves joining forums and message boards. The other morning, I e-mailed her a picture of my boyfriend's new haircut, which I got off Facebook. She asked for before and after pictures, so I sent her a second, personal photo from my own computer a couple minutes later. That evening, she told me she had posted my boyfriend's pictures on a forum. I was very surprised and asked her not to do that again, but we got in a spat over the etiquette. My mother feels that because the picture had already been posted online, my boyfriend should be aware that the picture is open to the general public no matter what. Besides, she felt because he is part of our family, it shouldn't matter.

I tried to explain that on Facebook, my boyfriend may have been sharing with 10 or 15 real, not virtual, friends via computer. The website is only optionally open to the general public and is very different than sharing with strangers, which is what she was doing.

Am I correct in trying to explain that even though one posts a picture on the Internet and it is "fair game," there is still a matter of etiquette, or am I off base?

GENTLE READER: Yes, you are right, but you should still listen to your mother.

She is right that everything you post online should be considered public. Restrictions are meaningless if anyone in your chosen circle decides to forward anything. Chiefly, you should listen to her warning that nothing you show or tell her should be considered private.

Miss Manners is particularly appalled at your mother's notion that privacy need not be respected in connection with family -- and her even redefining family to include someone who is not actually related.

But you have been warned. Perhaps one day your mother will learn that losing the confidences of her daughter is too high a price to pay for gossip material.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband recently left me and is off pursuing his own happiness (though, I should say, he is very close with our two daughters and sees them regularly). It is the holiday season, and I usually send out a family card to family, close friends and more casual friends.

Should I mention our separation, or forthcoming divorce, in our holiday cards? It seems rather harsh for a casual greeting, but if I sign it with just myself with my daughters, many friends and family will be notified that something significant has changed, but without explanation, which seems more confusing.

I don't want to spoil the happy holiday spirit with my unhappy news, but I am not sure how exactly I "announce" the situation without spreading some gloom.

GENTLE READER: Many would have trouble handling a mixed message such as "Merry Christmas, I'm getting divorced," Miss Manner agrees. It also may not be a good time for you to handle the pity and curiosity that a widespread announcement might evoke -- or, for that matter, the apparent indifference of people who do not respond because they are busy or away.

So what is wrong with a bit of confusion?

If you sign only your name and your daughters', you will alert people in a low-key way that does not seem to demand an immediate response. You could also note that "Jared is now living at..." and give his address.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Besides using common sense, how often should adult children (in this case a son) call their mother? The son is 43 and lives in another state and the mother is 67 and lives alone.

GENTLE READER: It depends -- are you the mother or the son?

Not that Miss Manners would ever have considered telling the mother that the rule was every day and the son that it was once a month. Such a trick never crossed her mind, even if that raises the question of how it got onto this page.

However, she would like to make the point that etiquette cannot declare a formula because individual circumstances differ so widely. Is the mother in any way helpless, so that she needs to be checked up on? Is one of them in the habit of nagging and the other hoping to avoid repetitive and futile advice? How convenient is it for either to talk at the time that is convenient for the other?

You know the circumstances; Miss Manners does not. She is afraid you must do your own negotiating.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a single male of 24 and a graduate student. Do my family members/friends expect me (a fairly busy guy) to send out Christmas cards during the holiday season, or do I get off the hook for being busy in grad school?

I would like to keep in better contact with family members who live across the country, but I just can't ?nd the time to make a Christmas card for everyone. No doubt I would forget about someone, and it would become an issue. What is your opinion on this?

GENTLE READER: That because you are undoubtedly leading a fuller life than anyone else, they can hardly expect to hear from you.

It is not that Miss Manners believes you must send Christmas cards. There are other ways of keeping in touch. If, during the year, you dashed off an occasional note to this one or that one, it would do just as well. With no mass mailing on deadline, you could then write people when you happen to remember them.

Just please, don't make any cards or notes into declarations of how busy you are. The implication that others are just sitting around with nothing much to do does not go over well with anyone.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the difference between the expressions "Excuse you" and "Excuse me"?

I was taught to use "excuse me" not "excuse you." And I ?nd it offensive when some one says "excuse you" to me, especially when I have done nothing to them. How should I respond in a nice way when someone says that to me?

GENTLE READER: "Excuse you" is inexcusable. Only the parents of very young children are permitted to prod the expression of manners by saying, "Now, what do we say, dear?" or "Didn't you want to excuse yourself?"

Therefore Miss Manners considers it polite to overlook the rudeness of "Excuse you," as, indeed, should have been done when "Excuse me" was not forthcoming. You can best do this by saying cheerfully, "Oh, that's quite all right," as if you thought the person was excusing himself.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: At this time of year, I try to be respectful of the diversity of the people I may meet by wishing them "happy holidays." I like to think this neither assumes what they may celebrate nor imposes upon them what I may celebrate, but still manages to convey my good wishes toward them.

However, I have recently begun to think this may not be entirely appropriate. After all, some people may not celebrate anything at all this time of year, and I would not want to inadvertently offend them. I also think it might be even more respectful to show some interest in offering more than just a generic farewell.

Do you think it would be appropriate to ?rst ask, "Do you celebrate a particular holiday this time of year?" I could then tailor my farewell to their response, from "Merry Christmas," to "Happy Hannukah," to simply, "Have a lovely day." I want to ?nd a balance between being festive and friendly without appearing unduly personal or rude.

GENTLE READER: Please do not go around interrogating random people about their religious af?liations and practices. It is disrespectful of their privacy. Besides, the number you might offend would be considerably larger than the number offended by being wished a generalized or wrong holiday greeting.

Miss Manners is well aware that there are some who do take offense at any such wishes, speci?c or not, including "Have a lovely day." If you really want to protect yourself, you would be better off asking, "Are you the sort of person who makes an issue out of a simple expression of good will?"

But as that, too, would be an invasion of privacy, Miss Manners is afraid you will have to take your chances or wish everyone a happy winter.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My ?ance and I are planning a "surprise" ceremony during our Christmas party. We're trying to word the invitations for minimal offense to guests who choose not to attend.

What is the best way to make clear, especially after they ?nd out about the ceremony that while we would have LOVED for them to attend our party, it was not mandatory?

My main concern is the few relatives on both sides of the family who will ?nd some way to construe the surprise (only our of?ciant and the two of us know this is going to occur!) as a slap in the face and intentional on our parts to "embarrass" or offend them somehow.

GENTLE READER: Or just to mislead them into thinking it was not an auspicious family occasion so they might miss it?

Perhaps you will be kind enough to explain to Miss Manners what the point is of a surprise wedding. Is the gasp of those present worth the annoyance of those who might have liked to be?

She supposes you could put "to celebrate Christmas and other rites" on the invitation so that your would-be guests would have warning to ask you what on earth you mean before deciding whether the occasion is crucial enough to trump other possible plans.

It would spoil the surprise, of course. But unless you have been married so many times that your relatives are getting bored attending, that would be a good idea.

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